I'm LOL: Bill Simmons does draft day coverage

[WilliamPitt]

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/040428

Tracing a Family Treason

By Bill Simmons
Page 2

With Eli Manning poised to dis the Chargers, someone needed to chronicle Draft Day for posterity, right?

Noon: The draft kicks off as ESPN interns plug Mel Kiper Jr. into the nearest electrical outlet.

12:04 p.m.: As Manning is jeered by New York fans, Chris Mortensen reports that Eli turned against San Diego after seeing the Real World episode where Frankie was cutting herself. Seriously, what's wrong with San Diego? The Clippers left almost 20 years ago!


12:06: Kiper raves about Eli's "fire and passion." Are we sure he's related to Peyton?

12:08: Suzy Kolber interviews Eli and Archie (doing the "I just want what's best for my son" routine better than Cush's dad in Jerry Maguire). With the fans still booing, the two couldn't look more uncomfortable. My buddy Jack-O calls with an idea: Archie should pull a Namath to win over the crowd, just lean over to Suzy and say, "We hope they trade the pick, but I just ... I want to kiss you." Who wouldn't love the Mannings after that?

12:19: With the Chargers still on the clock, poor Eli looks more worried than Jayson Williams after the Globetrotters started to take the stand. Remember Stevie Francis trying on that Grizzlies hat in disbelief? We're headed for a sequel.

12:25: San Diego takes Manning. Wow. This is awkward. Eli holds up the jersey like it's soaked in Vlade Divac's sweat. There won't be a better sports face in 2004 than the Eli Manning How-Long-Do-I-Have-to-Hold-Up-This-Crappy-Jersey Face.

(snip)

1:49: Berman praises Eli for being "classy" enough to hold up a Chargers jersey after they chose him. What else could he have done ... whip it to the floor, pull an Iron Sheik and scream "San Diego Chargers, hock-ptew!"?

...more...

[mouse7]

1. Great lines...

"And is there a funnier phrase in the English language than, "Tommy Maddox is threatening to hold out?"

"Meanwhile, only the Chargers could pick first in a draft that has six "can't miss" prospects and end up with none of them."

[VelmaD]

2. I always suspected...

that Mel Kiper wasn't a real live boy. I wonder if he was created by the same people who brought us the Cheney-bot.