Poof! You're God. What do you do?

[Bossy Monkey]

You know the drill: omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent. Whatever's wrong in the world (or universe if you like) you can fix it. What do you do?

Yes, I know we're mostly agnostic/atheist here; I am too. But for the purposes of argument, pretend there might be a God. As a prize for playing, you get to be it.

(If you don't want to be this serious about it, a good alternate question would be, "If there's a God, what would his existence be like?" Endless tv monitors to keep an eye on everybody like the emergency backup Donald Sutherland guy in The Matrix movies (ok, The Architect, but my way is much less pretentious) or sitting around doing crossword puzzles waiting for us to blow ourselves up?)

Myself, I'd have to muck around in the hearts of humankind, trying to turn down the greed and self-interest impulses a little and turn up the consideration for others impulse. Or maybe just rejigger the self-interest impulse so that maybe folks will consider the future and future generations in every decision they make.

Oh, and Shania Twain would NEVER have met Robert John "Mutt" Lange. I think that fixes everything!:)

[slinkerwink]

1. First of all, I'll smite Bush for being a pure hypocrite

and smite Fred Phelps for committing hate in my name.

[LynneSin]

40. DAMN, I was going to post the same exact thing

but I would expand it to neo-conservative idiots everywhere.

And Phelps - he deserves it for taking my name in vain - saying that "God hates Fags" is just damn wrong!

[slinkerwink]

47. haha, true...

[kalian]

2. Turn back the clock....

wipe out the existance of human kind...and give felines a chance.
:D

[bahrbearian]

3. Venture off into the Cosmos and get away from the Neo-con Hell.

[Mattforclark]

4. Prove my existence

[Wickerman]

5. Call little George and Cheney and Rummy home

or, wherever.

[trotsky]

6. Fix everything.

Hey, I'll be omniscient and omnipotent, so I don't need to elaborate. All humankind will be in harmony.

Then, I'd go back over my own life and see how things would have ended up had I made just one choice differently. Kind of like the movies Run Lola Run or Sliding Doors. That's always fascinated me.

[TX-RAT]

7. Drop the ban on Cuban cigars.

[Gothic Sponge]

8. I'd buy a pack of bubble gum!

:9

[ComerPerro]

38. If you did that, I would definately worship you

[zbdent]

9. Point out that, for thousands of years, people were NOT SPEAKING

FOR ME!

Most of them got it wrong.

Give all of the warmongers (and I mean ALL OF THEM, I WOULD KNOW WHO THEY ARE!) memories of the pain and suffering of what war is really about. Chuckle to myself as they fester in their own urine-soaked pants as their minds crumble.

[Endangered Specie]

10. All those nuts who say theyll be gone coming Rapture...

Well, theyll be gone all right. :evilgrin:

[TX-RAT]

11. Ever find rapture in the bible?

[Bertha Venation]

35. Absolutely. In the Song of Solomon.

Erotic poetry in the Bible John Ashcroft swears by. Who knew?

So, the word "rapture" isn't in the bible. Neither is the word "homosexual," but that doesn't keep fundies from pounding out God's hatred for us. :shrug:

[brokensymmetry]

12. I don't believe I'd change anything.

Reasonable people might well object - why would I, as a newly minted Deity - not do something about hunger, greed, crime, and a lack of sufficient channels on cable.

The reason I wouldn't change things is twofold. First problem - if there is no lack, or limitation, there can be no virtue. If there isn't hunger, then no one can have the opportunity to work their way out of the situation. No one can act to relieve it. If there is no greed, there can be no generosity. If there is no death - well, then, you can forget about courage, accomplishment, and a host of other things.

The second problem is that I would want co-creators with free will. Free will is a big issue, after all. If I "changed the settings", then I'd be taking free will and making of man a mere puppet - or, if you put things in terms of the Matrix, a mere robot. That means that if people want to be greedy, or cruel, or generous, or kind - they should have that opportunity. And the results that go with that choice, individually and collectively.

So I suppose I'd sit back, watch the action, and have a large portion of Ben and Jerry's deep dark chocolate ice cream (no longer made, alas, but as long as I'm God...), and enjoy the show. I'd welcome the spirits of my creations back as they returned, they would show me what they were proud of and I'd let them see the big picture - then we'd all have a good laugh at the amazing universe we'd created together.

[Mattforclark]

14. So why not make it...

so that "there is no lack, or limitation" and there is virtue and they have free will as well?

[brokensymmetry]

16. How can you have no lack, and still have virtue?

Seriously. If you and everyone else is perfectly and permanently healthy, can't die or be killed, and have everything you need - and so does everyone else - what kind of virtue could one develop or exercise?

[Mattforclark]

21. You couldn't within the current parameters of the universe,

which is why you would be changing those parameters.

[brokensymmetry]

22. (Chuckle) Well, good luck doing that!

:)

[Mattforclark]

24. I thought I was omnipotent

;)

[Bossy Monkey]

25. GOD FIGHT! GOD FIGHT! n/t

[Mattforclark]

26. Proof of God

God = In an undisclosed location.
Dick Cheney = In an undisclosed location.

Therefore, by the law of commutation (IIRC), God = Dick Cheney.

[Salviati]

13. Issue a press release and set some things straight...

NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/god_clarifies_dont_kill.html

[Bossy Monkey]

32. Still one of the most explosive pieces of writing in the last 10 years

When people dismiss The Onion as just a humor rag/site, just remind them of this.

[RC]

15. Well, I think most of you have heard or figured out that

Conservatives brains work differently than normal people.
What I would do since they have a problem with thinking sex is healthy, is to link whatever went wrong with their brain with sterility. The more conservative they are the less fertile. Problem solved.
Of course going the other way from the middle toward liberalism, would not necessarily make you more fertile than normal. That would open up another can of worms.

[matcom]

17. Mr. Bush? There Is A MASSIVE Thunderstorm In Crawford Right Now

I would advise you NOT to venture outside

or near a window
or turn on your tv
or pick up your phone

i'm just sayin'.....

[maveric]

18. I'd get all those who lie to only speak the truth, all those that steal

to turn themselves in and make ammends/do time. And then I'd allow the Boston Red Sox to win a world series.

[Bossy Monkey]

36. Hey, you're only omnipotent; I'm not sure that's enough to get the Bosox

a ring. Might cause some kind of universal karmic explosion or something! :P

[Delano]

19. Wad the earth up into a ball, throw it in the trash and start all over.

eom

[guitar man]

20. Hmmm

First,I would have to take Dolly Parton's top off and have a peek. I've been wanting to see those puppies bared for a long,long time and she ain't givin' it up.

Seriuosly though,I think the world has gone long enough with people who are hungry,sick and starving because of the pure greed of a small segment of humankind. I would have to fix that. Enough is Enough!

[bloodyjack]

23. first i would empty the world like a gourd of ashes and then

i would remove any possible notions of a 'cigarette tax' from the confines of man's puny weakling brain*

*though not necessarily in that order :D

[Don_G]

27. Commandment #11

Thou shall not "thump" my book and knock my attitude to YOUR benefit...asshole....

[Feanorcurufinwe]

28. I would create an object too large for me to move.

[Ladyhawk]

30. LOL

[Ladyhawk]

29. Realize that it's impossible to be omniscient, omnipotent...

...and omnipresent and disappear in a poof of logic.

[NightTrain]

31. First and foremost: Get on every TV and radio station in the world...

...to denounce war, racism, imperialism, and greed. I also would:

- warn Israel and Palestine to reach a mutually agreeable peace settlement inside of a year, or I'll immerse their part of the world in 800 feet of water;

- tell the Americans, "I don't bless individual countries, so cool it with that 'God bless America' stuff."

- have an upclose and personal talk with George W. Bush and every member of his administration, making damned good and sure they understand that I never chose him to be president. I'd also have some other stuff to say to those people, but you can probably figure out the lion's share of it without my having to tell you;

- replenish the rainforests, clean up the air and water, resurrect all the endangered species that have died off, and get rid of every weapon of mass destruction on the planet. Then, I would make it quite clear that anyone who fucks up what I've done will be simultaneously stricken with shingles, herpes, and AIDS, and will live in unbearable agony for at least 20 years.

I'm sure there's more I could think of, but that's enough for the moment.

[bearfartinthewoods]

37. oh goodie..velociraptors and t-rex in th backyard munching

on wooly mammoths.

[Bossy Monkey]

39. I don't think he meant all extinct species, but this would be kind of cool

[bearfartinthewoods]

41. yeah, until they sat on your house <grin>

[Bossy Monkey]

44. I'm holding out for the six-foot long dragonflies! n/t

[Bertha Venation]

33. WIPE OUT HUNGER

And make it impossible for anyone ever to be hungry again. There will be plenty the world over. The oceans won't be over-fished. People will be smart about livestock ranching and crop growing. I would make it impossible for humans to mess up and make, by omission or comission, anyone go hungry. Finally, I'd eradicate fast food.

[Nailzberg]

34. Turn on the faucet and start over.

No warning to Noah this time.

[MissMillie]

42. Register to vote

as a democrat

[TXlib]

43. Hmmm, OK, I'll play:

Zipping around the universe, exploring, would be kind of cool. So would tunnelling down into the ultra small and seeing the universe at the smallest scale. And I'd like to explore black holes.

But if I were god, that might be unnecessary, if I already knew everything.

Oh, well... I suppose I could amuse myself by smiting. I hold special venom for bad drivers. :evilgrin:

[tom_paine]

45. I would appear as a Flaming Shrubbery in the well of Congress

and properly denounce Bunnypants* as AntiChrist.

Altough Fox would probably smear my character:

"That God, he's just another whiny liberal with an axe to grind."

"You can't trust God. Look at all the people he murdered (smote) in his younger days."

"If we hads listened to the scumbag likes of God, this nation would have gone Communist a long time ago."

And so forth...

[Throckmorton]

46. Give cats the power of speach

and take it away from republicans

[x-g.o.p.er]

48. Vikings win the next 10 Super Bowls!!!

Then I'd work on the world peace thing...

[BringEmOn]

49. Immediately disavow any conversations held with George W. Bush

and flatly deny that I had chosen him to lead the free world.

[LynzM]

50. Hrm.... empathy and sympathy enacted on all people...

So that everyone would have understanding for each other, and compassion... actually, not sure if that would be a good plan. Enforced guilt?

Definitely second the "show up and say again, hey, guys, NO KILLING IN MY NAME" http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/god_clarifies_dont_kill.html

[Rationality]

51. What this petty mortal would do when granted the powers of a diety

I would first abolish some of the basic properties of my most important creation... carbon, so that it would rapidly compress into diamond. I would also accelerate the deterioration of the dead so they deteriorate into oil. Then I'd concentrate the oil and the diamonds within the vicinity of my home. I'd then return as the new messiah, and with an army of followers, I'd drill that oil and those diamonds and buy my government... like many "dignified" Americans do today.

And since this IS a political fourm... well, I'm not quite as vengeful, so I'll grant Bush a nice pair of jackboots, an M16, and a mission: carry out his own war while the adults take charge.

Oh, and I'd pimp-slap Jerry Falwell.

[SarahB]

52. I tell LDS and other folks to stop going to people's houses

Earlier, I was in the basement working out and later I was told some LDS people came to the door trying to spread "the word". Apparently, my youngest son (he's almost 3) starting yelling at them when my husband was doing the polite brush-off, "Go away. Get out of my house." Too funny.

I like your idea though. Turn down the greed and selfishness. Maybe throw a little luck to those suffering most in the world.

[Insider]

53. women wear clothes in music videos

and on magazine covers. dammit.