DNC cancels primaries! Nominees chosen! (satire)

[mrgorth]

Today, in a suprise move the DNC announced that it was cancelling all of it's primaries in order to divert resources to it's newly announced nominees. In an obvious move to compete with the GOP for the tough foreign policy vote DNC chair Terry McAuliffe announced that the party, after lengthy secret negotiations, is drafting Darth Vader and Sauron of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings fame, respectively. Although it was a difficult decision, McAullife stated that the Democrats decided to run Lord Vader on the top of the ticket due to the fact that although Sauron is, technically, a demi-god, he can only speak in eery, breathy whispers. At first, Sauron's people attempted to play up the fact that Vader is a known mouth breather, something that may not play well with the electorate. This was quickly rebutted by Vader's assertion that Sauron can no longer appear in fair form again.

Asked about this decision with the Iowa caucus weeks away and the nine previous candidates all having spent so much time and money McAuliffe lamented "it was clear that Howard Dean was going to win the nomination so we came to a decision that his honest and intelligent campaign was not going to beat George Bush. We decided we need to run against Bush's strength, aggresive foreign policy." Continuing on McAuliffe stated that both dark lords on the ticket have consistent records of crushing anyone in their path and experience at empire building. Vader stated "you want oil? Within 2 months I'll have every american driving one of those Hummer limo things." When questioned about how exactly he might accomplish this Vader only responded with "I find your lack of faith disturbing".

Apparently both Vader and Sauron feel that they will be able to accomplish their foreign policy goals without reinstituting the draft with an aggressive breeding program. Though the 2 have not come to agreement on whether the program will breed Sauron's monsterous orcs (which have a taste for human flesh) or Vader's humanoid clones (which have notoriously bad aim) they are sure they will be able to work something out. Asked for comment Sauron would only respond with "I see you", again, with the aforementioned eery whisper. Apparently, both have access to secret weapons programs as well. Vader spoke with pride about his "Death Star" program which has the capacity to destroy entire planets with one shot, something Vader is hoping to tone down in the future. "We're working on a mini-death star, also called 'the really painful star' even as we speak". Asked about his own program, Sauron responded by saying "if I could just find that little shit with my ring it'd be all over".