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it has been 364 days since Christmasism was last visited on our nation. All of you, like me, vividly remember the horror of that attack. Folks, 12/25 changed everything. We are now in the midst of the War On Christmas. It is for this reason that I must tell you that Amurica cannot be safe in this perilous world until Santa Claus is removed from power. Yes, we will be seeking regime change at the North Pole. We will, within mere hours, unleash the Shock and Awe of our mighty weaponry upon the North Pole. We will not stop until the last Christmasist has been tracked down, captured, and brought to jushtice (sic).
We must not waver; we must stay the course in this War On Christmas. Do not ask me when this war will end. It may go on for years, or it may go on for decades. This is wartime. You are either with us or against us. Any of you who cannot support our actions to remove Santa Claus from power are against us. Santa Claus is a brutal dictator who invades the homes of his citizens every year. He kills his citizens by leaving them things to eat which make them fat and which raise their cholesterol. He abuses the children of his citizens by leaving them items which promote deadly materialism. We will not stop until this brutal, insidious, dictator has been hunted down and brought to justice, and his toys and candies of mass destruction have been seized and destroyed.
Santa Claus watches each and every move his subjects make. He has the ability to see you when you are sleeping, to know when you're awake, to know when you've been bad or good. It is our Plan to seize his brutal surveillance equipment and turn it to good, to use it to spread freedom and democracy in the North Pole, while also drilling for oil through the now-melting polar ice cap.
Support our troops, and support the War On Christmas. Amurica's fate is in the balance. God bless you, and God bless Amurica.
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