Cancer question

[noshenanigans]

(please move this if it's not in the right space, mods, I just didn't think the lounge would be right- thanks!)

I've been called back to North Carolina for a while from my home in Los Angeles because my mother is dying. She's had colo-rectal cancer diagnosed for about 2 years now, and was told a couple of weeks ago that it's spread so far there's nothing that can be done. My father asked me to come back because he's still having to work full time so they have insurance for her meds (well, and to pay the mortgage and all that fun stuff), so suddenly I'm sitting with her all day.

She's changed so much since the last time I saw her at the end of September. Then she was happy and had some energy, and now- nothing. She sleeps all day long and is in pain and miserable all day. She refuses to eat, refuses to drinks, just refuses everything. When I called my grandma to ask for some advice as to what was expected of me, as I am now her "watchperson" or something (because I'm unemployed and have the time, I guess), she said "Pray. God will take care of her."

That doesn't really help me, although I appreciate the thoughts (raised Southern Baptist, I wandered out of the flock a number of years ago, but I'm smart enough to hedge my bets and never refuse a prayer.) I just don't know what I'm suppossed to do.. today I literally sat in a chair and watcher her die. It's slow, and she probably won't go for a couple of months.. but I just don't know what I'm suppossed to do. I feel so guilty I wasn't here sooner, and even more guilty that I wish I was at home in Los Angeles.

I really just don't know what I'm suppossed to do. Has anyone gone through the final stages of a friend or relatives terminal illness and have some advice?

I appreciate you just letting me get it out there. I'm across the country from my boyfriend and all my friends and I just don't know what to do with myself.

PS- Please, Please, Please get a colonoscopy if you're over 50 or 30 and have a family history of cancer (especially colon).

[Batgirl]

1. Our family has gotten wonderful support from Hospice

If you haven't already contacted Hospice I'd recommend doing so, we have found them to be unbelievably great in helping our family, especially the main caregiver (my mom), through the ongoing process of my father leaving this world.

[noshenanigans]

5. We've been in touch with hospice..

and my mom totally refuses. I don't understand it, it's like she wants to be in more pain (or maybe she just wants it to be over- but I can't think about that.)

Thank you for the advice, though.. I'll keep it in mind as we go along.

[Batgirl]

12. Something to consider

is that Hospice will come to the patient's home. Your mom wouldn't necessarily have to be in a facility. My dad has been bed-ridden at home for a while now (with dementia and other problems). They make home visits to monitor both his condition as well as making sure my mom has sitters so she can go to the grocery store, etc.

All of us adult children live hours away and can only be there on weekends, but during the week we have peace of mind knowing my mom's not having to handle this in isolation. Just wanted you to know help is out there so people in your position need not feel so alone.

[noshenanigans]

22. thanks

Before I came back from California my dad told me that someone had mentioned hospice and my mom flat-out refused to have anything to do with it. After reading all the replies here, though, I'm really gonna have to work to convince him we need to get some help regardless.

Fortunately I'm able to stay here for the next month or so, but my life's in California, and my sister is 4 hours away with a toddler on her hands. We need help.

[Batgirl]

27. my best wishes for you and your family

Caring for your dying parent is a deeply honorable and loving thing to do. You'll always know you did the right thing.

[libnnc]

29. You may have to get the hospice care

just don't tell her that's what it is. That's what we did with my sis in law. There's a real but subtle difference between home health and hospice home health. Get the pain under control for sure.

[emdee]

39. If she is like my dad....

pride is a factor. He refuses to use a walker or cane and when he falls, my mom has the biggest guilt trip - even though he outweighs her by about 130 lbs!

Hospice would be a huge help to you, though. Maybe just scheduling a visit would do the trick? Would she be furious if you did?

emdee

[politicat]

21. Home care hospice is very important

And so is proper pain medication. She's obviously not getting that. Either her doctor thinks she'll get addicted (yeah, right, like it matters) or she's refused proper pain meds. Either way, she needs a hospice care doctor because end of life pain is unnecessary. This is a place to remind her that there's no reason to suffer - pain just makes it unpleasant, it doesn't make the cancer kill her faster.

Call Hospice. Let them know that it's an inhome care situation, and have them send someone out to do an assessment.

It's really in her best interest.

(I've been through this twice, now - once with my step-father, who died of prostate cancer and once with my great-grandfather. Hospice in the home is a wonderful thing.)

Best wishes for an easy and as painless a transition as possible.

[drthais]

50. my dad did not want Hospice either

and the minute they arrived he died
I think on purpose
to him, it meant there wasn't any hope left

but, in the final days, as we sat and watched
just as you are doing now
we talked to him
we told him funny stories from the past
we played music we knew he loved

it's enough that you are there
she knows you'e there
and it is important
just stay
talk to her - sing her a song

tell her it's ok to go
you'll meet up with her later

[NNadir]

2. Just being there will be all you ever need to do.

And you will never forget it and it will never go away.

But in time, that it never goes away will somehow make you stronger and somehow it will make you love as you have never loved.

Trust me on this. It's been thirty years, and still I know. I am crying just to think of it.

Good luck to you. May you know peace.

[Spinzonner]

3. Contact a local hospice

Even she doesn't want to be institutionalized in a hospice facility, they can help with advice, pain management, and giving the family some help and piece of mind.

Most medical plans, and Medicare, will pay for it.

[Horse with no Name]

4. First of all

I am sorry for what you are going through. It is difficult. I've been there myself.
I would absolutely suggest that you get hospice involved if you haven't already. They are wonderful.
If she is having alot of breakthrough pain, please THROW A FIT to her docs or nurses or whoever will listen. There are medications available to keep her comfortable. Her last bit of time on earth should not be spent suffering and it doesn't have to be.
You are her advocate.
When people are dying, they aren't hungry. They aren't thirsty.
It is the normal process of dying. Don't stress about it, offer her ice chips.
Get some sponges and keep her mouth moist.
That will keep her comfortable.
Just being there is enough.
Keep her pain free. Keep her mouth moist. Wash her face as needed with a warm cloth. Brush her hair (if it is long, it is easiest to keep it in a braid). Keep her comfortable.
Tell her you love her.
Good luck and I am sorry again for your pain.

[noshenanigans]

10. That's true?

The thing about not wanting food and water, I mean. My father gave me this little pamphlet thing that was a "timeline to death" or something, and everything she's doing is in the "one month" category. She refused to eat tonight and I got so mad at her, I mean just frustrated so much I wanted to yell. I just can't deal with the fact she's not going to get better.

She was diagnosed while she was taking care of me after an accident that left me in a wheelchair. Now I feel so, so guilty that I was throwing a pity party for myself while she was going through all this, and I don't know how to make the guilt go away.

God, thank you guys so much for listening to me. I feel silly posting this all on a website, but I've been reading DU for so long I really value your advice.

[lildreamer316]

23. Oh dear.

My mother died of cancer two years ago (lung,bone). I did not have to sit there exactly,but similar.Story for later.
Read to her, if you can. Talk, even if she dosen't reply. Tell her everything you want to--now is a great time.
For goodness sake don't feel guilty. As mothers, we are supposed to take care of our children. Your plight is probably all she was thinking of during that time---don't stress about it. Think of it this way...if you feel like you must do something more than you are doing, you will probably get your chance. Pay it foreward. Really.
But you are doing plenty now. Guilt has no large place here; it is mostly a waste of time. Pay attention to her.She will need the strength of your love to move foreward into her next "life"; whatever you & her percieve that to be.
Love....

[Ilsa]

32. Yes, it is true.

And the dehydration may actually help with the pain. Dehydration might spark endorphins to go into overdrive in her brain, thereby relieving her of some pain.

Help her let go, and let her know when she is ready that you understand if she needs to leave. Some people feel so religiously tied to hanging on to every moment God gave them, that they fight it.

There's lots of great info in this thread.

I feel so badly that you are having to go through this. Cherish each moment with her. I wasn't able to be with my mom very often as she was dying because my kids were so small. Peace to you both.

[Horse with no Name]

45. Yes it is true.

The body is shutting down and no longer is requiring the fuel it did to sustain it.
Keep in mind that the guideline is just that...your mom may vary on it.
Nature will take it's course at it's own will.
I would venture to guess that your frustration is probably from the fact that you are losing your mom, and not the anger that she isn't eating.
Just let it out. Remember to take care of yourself.
Get what you need so that you don't get overwhelmed.
I can tell you this from a mother's standpoint...the fact that your mom was diagnosed while she was taking care of you in no way diminished how she felt about being there for you. You were in your role as child and she was in her role as caretaker. A role many mother's cherish.
There is no reason to be guilty. My guess is that the opportunity to be "mom" to her grown child again was one that she considered a gift from above.
There is no need to feel guilt.:hug:
Whether you realize it or not, you gave her one last gift to treasure.

[libnnc]

16. that post brings so many memories for me

That's what we did for my sis in law. She wasn't hungry or thirsty. We had those little stick sponges to keep her mouth moist. Our main worry was making sure she wasn't in pain. The nurses told us that even though she was unresponsive, she could still hear us and it was important for us to talk to her--to tell her that it was okay to let go, that we'd be alright and we understood she had places to go and things to do...:cry: She died this past August.

[mandyky]

18. Read to her

Talk to her, even when she's asleep. Say all the the things you want to say now. As Horse with no Name says, just try to see she's as comfortable as possible.

When you get down time, write _YOUR_ version of her obituary, and then use those notes as things to talk to her about.

Sounds like you are not all that much into the God/praying routine. While she's asleep assure her she isn't alone and her Mom/Dad/siblings/aunts/uncles/friends who have passed will be there to meet and help her.

If you have siblings, make sure you and your Mom call and talk to them frequently.

If she likes music, make sure she has that too.

I too am sorry for your impending loss, but you can make good use of this time - for you and her!

[cybildisobedience]

6. had a close relative die of the same disease

When he was originally diagnosed, I really wanted people to tell me that it would all be fine, etc. Instead, a close friend who went through a similar ordeal with her father told me that this was a gift, a chance to have no regrets.
It didn't mean much at the time. In fact, it was the last thing I wanted to hear.
But as time went on, I came to appreciate that sentiment.
So many people beat themselves up for the rest of their lives for not making peace, expressing their heartfelt sentiments, or merely spending time with someone who died.
You have a chance now to do all those things. It will be a great comfort to her now, and to you for the rest of your life.

[seabeyond]

25. my mom died totally unexpected. the gift, all my life my mom

and i were close. we always talked. we always loved. there was not anything left unsaid. that was the BIGGEST comfort for me in the mourning time. knowing that we loved each other and respected one another. and that it wasnt left unsaid.

[kanrok]

7. Sorry to hear about your mom

I can't offer any advice, but I can second your important recommendation. A colonoscopy is absolutely essential in the categories you note. For those who are afraid, let me be the first to say, there's nothing to it. General anesthesia is used. You don't feel a thing, and you're out in a very short period of time. The only drawback is the prep the night before. You really get "cleaned out" and the stuff they give you to drink is not that great. I understand that the prep is different from when I did it a couple of years ago. No question, early detection saves lives. It is probably the most curable cancer out there.

[benddem]

8. agree with the hospice suggestions

even if she won't go into a hospice, most offer home visits and can deal with the pain. Don't listen to ANYONE who says too much pain medicine will addict her. Better to be addicted than in pain.
But also just be there.

[Liberal Gramma]

9. No good options here

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It is hell to watch someone you care about suffer, and all you can do is hope you have enough courage to face one more day. Take it like AA--one day at a time. Pray for strength. And, when she is finally released, look after yourself. When my mom died, in similar circumstances, I was in a depression for about six months but I didn't know what it was. If you are feeling blue, disinterested in things that you normally like, angry, and confused, get some professional help to deal with it. Time will heal, but therapy is faster and more reliable. My heart goes out to you.

[rwheeler31]

11. Just respect her.

You will be a better person for what you are doing. We all have to die alone but it helps if some others care. No one wants to die, try to think about her life.

[libnnc]

13. You should have some kind of Hospice help

Seriously. I helped take care of my partner's sister as she died of pancreatic cancer earlier this year. It was horrible. Even though she had home health care nurses every day, she couldn't bring herself to call hospice in. She ended up having hospice care--just with the same home health care staff. You can't do it by yourself that's for sure. We ended up working in shifts making sure she had her morphine boosts so she wasn't in pain.

No should have to go through that by themselves. I'm really sorry that your losing your mother. It's important that you be able to depend on others so you can focus on having closure with her.

Call hospice. Get some help.

[we can do it]

14. Oh My Dear -

I quit work to spend with my mom last summer after we found out she was dying from cancer - after having made it through a kidney transplant and subsequent failure of that kidney - a year later we find out it is cancer that will be the end of her. I know it can be awful seeing your mother like she is now, but rest assured it is invaluable to her to have someone who cares nearby. I was very close to my mom and I hope that you are close to your mom, too. I know how emotionally draining this all can be - it has to be so scary as well as painfull for your mom - I will say a little prayer for the both of you if thats ok. Some days my mom wouldn't eat or drink much either (this is really common in cancer pts....food just doesn't taste right as well as nausea, etc ) - she also felt poorly because of dialysis 3 times a week, but we still found things to talk about - sometimes she liked to just go over the news or a book - or a favorite show.....sometimes I would just sit in the room with her while she napped and read so I would be there if when she woke up. I think what she needs now is mainly your support, which you are providing, and you will always be thankful that you did. I hope you both find peace and comfort. On edit - hospice can be very helpful - providing baths or whatever other support your family may need.


:hug:

[noshenanigans]

31. Getting her talking

That's a good idea.. I talked to her yesterday (I just got back the night before) and told her all about my plans to become a teacher and my comedy shows (I perform at the Upright Citizen's Brigade, if you've heard of it) and it was so nice to talk to her. I've been afraid to read to her or anything because then it would really feel as if I were watching over someone in their hospital bed... although she literally gets out of her bed, goes to the recliner, gets up 2 or 3 times to go to the bathroom, then goes back to bed. I try to stick by her. After my last show (Blue Collar TV, ugh) got cancelled, I took up knitting, so I'll literally sit by her all day and knit my nephew hats and stuff while she sleeps. I'll make an effort to talk to her more tomorrow (she's in bed, already.) My dad went hunting this weekend (he's had to be with her for a while, so I volunteered to give him the break since I came home- he needs it), so I'm really gonna try to make her happy. I just wasn't sure how, but everyone's replies have made me more confident that I wasn't going to mess up.

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I feel so guilty for feeling sorry for myself with all this (I'm a big old wad of guilt.)

[we can do it]

54. Your Sense of Humor Could Be Valuable, too.

My mom wanted to read (or me read to her) GW Bushisms....and other books making fun of shrub. We both got a big kick out of that. Another idea - I helped my mom do a few little and I mean little exercises - that seemed to make her feel a little better sometimes.

[patrice]

15. I tried to talk to my husband. I'd always heard that hearing

was the last sense to leave. I played "new age" music too. Don't expect some kind of big resolution of any emotional issues. Chanting quietly to myself to pass the time helped too.

[lildreamer316]

26. Patrice..

I am so sorry for your loss........

[patrice]

55. Thank You. He really was the best Man I ever met.

The best mate and father and friend I could have asked for. And a great Lover!

Hare Krsna! Hare Rama!

[Olney Blue]

17. Your mere presence there is your greatest gift to her.

The posters above are right- please contact hospice care and help alleviate
her physical pain. Then, find support for yourself. It's a lonely vigil
and you need the support of your friends. Best wishes to you.


:hug:

[leftchick]

19. My husband's Father died from the same cancer

I hope she is not refusing the pain medications because she will need them. It is indeed a horrible and seemingly helpless situation you are in.

It was very hard for my hubby and his mom and they both were with him when he died. His last few weeks of life were at home with the help of Hospice. What a wonderful and invaluable support they are.

If you can convince her of using them and being back in her own home I am sure she would handle what is coming better and so hopefully will you.

I will pray for you both because I do believe it helps.

peace,
lc

[seabeyond]

20. hey, there is no better gift than what you give to your mom now

and that may be no more than sitting with her and holding her hand. the sleeping all the time, no eating and no drinking is generally how a body shuts down, to go on. hold her hand. be there. smooth and comforting, in love and thankful. that you have this time with her.

my friend was with her mom to the end with cancer. this description was very much her own experience with her mom. nothing will be left unsaid. you will be able to say goodbye to your mom

bless you all. take care, all of you

[kikiek]

24. Sorry about your mom. I think one of the best things is that you're there.

Touch is a great comforter. Just stroking her hand might hep her. If she doesn't like pain meds maybe she would let you massage her back or feet or something. Let her stay in control of what interventions are done. She's lost control over what is going on in her body, but let her control whatever she can. At the end stage of life as someone else said it is normal to not want food or drink. The body doesn't need it anymore. People can actually become sick if you try to force them. She will not be able to get up eventually and become incontinent. The care can be very stressful and demanding but try to remember that it is not long term and it's a way to show your love for her. I am a home hospice nurse and have had my father on our program for colon cancer so I have lived it too. My job is to adjust the meds to make sure people are comfortable and with hospice the meds related to the disease are paid for. There are other benefits too but her wishes are what counts. Hospice is just too difficult for many people even though they know they're terminal.My prayers to you and your family. Here is a poem from our booklet "Gone From My Sight". It still makes me cry..http://www.geocities.com/griefweb/cancer_supp/verses_pass/gone_from_sight.html

[lildreamer316]

28. Yes,

My mother fought hospice the whole way. I don't think she wanted to admit defeat....stubborn woman. Loved her to death.

[kikiek]

35. Yeah..sometimes we are there anyways and the ones that don't

want ya let ya know! But I don't take it personally and respect their willingness to let you know what they think. If there is enough time they usually come around and enjoy the visits. I have come to believe with all my heart there isn't anything to fear in death.

[lildreamer316]

40. Not at all.

I so firmly believe in reincarnation that it does not scare me one bit---except for the pain that either I may go through phisically, or that my loved ones will experience. I will hate causing THEM pain.
Energy is neither created or destroyed, eh?

[kikiek]

44. That's right! We just don't look hard enough to see the proof. I think

the greatest gift we get from caring for people who are dying is that very experience. They allow us to see part of the most exciting trip we will ever take as humans.

[noshenanigans]

47. That's the book my dad gave me!

Well, that was a poem in it. After he gave it to me I realized everything he's been dealing with.

Thank you for working in hospice. This whole experience has made me appreciate the good work you (and everyone who is kind and wonderful enough) do.

[kikiek]

51. Thank you. I love it and probably get much more out than I give. I

am so happy you came to help your dad because the support you're providing is so important to him. Take good care of each other. Keep us informed and certainly if I can help feel free to pm me.

[jannyk]

30. This time last year we went through

exactly the same thing. My husband's mother died Dec 9th after 4 years fighting cancer (ovarian). I can only add to what everyone else has said, you need hospice. It's not only for your mom but for you and your dad. These people are the most caring and respectful I have ever encountered.

Even if your mother refuses hospice care, you should seek their help anyway - they will have much advice and resources for you.

I will light a candle for you and wish you and your family peace.

[porphyrian]

33. As others have said, definitely contact hospice.

Here's a list of North Carolina hospices:
http://www.healthcarehiring.com/hospice_north_carolina.html

You're doing what you're supposed to do. I'm really sorry you and your family have to go through this. It's shitty, and it's hard. Keep in touch with your friends when you can for your own sanity.

What's kind of fucked up is, after enough time passes and you're completely exhausted, you may start wishing she would just hurry up and die to get it over with. Then, of course, you feel guilty as shit about that. Don't beat yourself up about it if it happens, it's not uncommon.

Try to remember the good things about your mother's life and time with you and try not to focus on her current state. Get a good book maybe. Be there for your dad. Just don't forget about you. You'll be OK.

And call your boyfriend.

[noshenanigans]

48. Thanks!

I just did call my boyfriend, and for some reason tried to convince him not to come out here for Thanksgiving. I really don't know why, I just didn't want to burden him or something, but luckily he sees through that.

I've taken up knitting, and my mother seems to get a kick out of the little hats I'm making for my nephew (it's got Yoda ears!), so that gives me that much more encouragement.

[ms liberty]

34. Oh my dear, I am so sorry...

What a horrible time for you, and with all due respect to your grandmother, you - and your mother - need more than prayer.

I'm a breast cancer survivor (8 yrs). My dearest, oldest friend died last year of leukemia. I spent a week with her in May, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. She wasn't in real good shape, but I'm so grateful I could be with her, even though it hurt more than I can express.

Have you spoken to the hospice in your area? They can give you a great deal of GOOD advice and help. They were so helpful to us when my uncle died, and there are people there who are trained and educated in terminal illness, dying, and death. You need someone who's a professional to help you understand this, get through this, to help you help your mother and father through this. Please, contact them tomorrow.

Where are you in NC? I'm in NC also, and there are quite a few DU'ers in NC. Maybe we have someone nearby to you who can give you some moral support in person, or by phone at least. And we might be able to help in a more concrete way, like providing some names of people who can help. If you'd rather not identify where you are, I understand...it is completely up to you. But KNOW you are not alone here, we are just a PM or a post away, and many of us may be even closer if you need us.

Please DO call hospice. They came to mind first thing when I read your post; they deal with this every day.

I wish I could be more help to you, could offer you exactly the advice you need; but I don't want to tell you something that would be wrong for you and your parents, and the situation you're dealing with.

I'm sending you all the positive energy, love, healing, and "prayers" I have.

[noshenanigans]

46. I'm in Avery County...

it's in the mountains, near Boone. Every post I read I become more determined to call hospice and get some help so she doesn't go in pain.

It probably sounds silly, but I take after my mom in almost everything, so part of me is afraid this exact thing will happen to me.

[sandnsea]

36. Very sorry

As a mom, I can guarantee you that she's just happy you're there. Everything that went before is over. Now is now and all that matters is the love.

My mom was a transplant patient so we had all faced death because of her illness. All she ever said was "take care of each other".

I'm so sorry for the pain you're suffering. But at least you can be there and that is worth everything in the world. :hug:

[MamaBear]

37. Another recommendation that you contact Hospice.

My Dad died in February 2001; his primary diagnosis was melanoma. The Hospice nurses came to Mom and Dad's apartment and stayed with us round-the-clock for the last 48 hours. Just having an authority figure in the home was so comforting, and helped Mom and I to know we were doing all that could be done.

Being present when my Dad passed was perhaps the most profound experience of my life. I will always be grateful that I could be with him at the end. He was a bit difficult to approach all my life; caring for him in his helplessness at the end somehow balanced that out.

Hospice workers are very special people in that they accept death as a natural part of life, to be eased and facilitated. No guilt. No regrets. Life proceeds to death, and they lend the whole process dignity with their quiet, supportive presence.

My thoughts will be with you and your family as you navigate this experience. Don't worry if you don't feel prepared. We never do.

Please keep in touch as you have time.

Edited for typo.

[emdee]

38. What should you do?

You are doing it. Just being there is all you can do. My dad has lung cancer and we've been going through the treatments for the last couple of months. I'm very sorry that your mom is suffering. Does she have the proper medication to keep her out of pain (as much as possible)?
emdee (thinking of you and your mom)

[Lone_Star_Dem]

41. What can I say...

I've watched a family member die from Alzheimer's. I was the only close relative to take her in and take care of her. I understand it's not the same, at the end she didn't know me she thought I was my mom, her daughter. But before that she and I did have time to talk and to say goodbye to one another. She wanted to leave before it was over, she told me and I understood.

Live each moment with her, I know she's not well and not herself, but give your love and caring. It's normal to wish you weren't there now, and having to deal with the loss, I did the same thing. Don't be hard on yourself, ok? Guilt over those natural feelings won't do anyone a bit of good. Who wants to deal with the loss of someone you love? It's painful, and that's the bottom line.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, you're a good person for being there and you will be stronger in the end.

If you need someone to vent to feel free to PM me.

[marions ghost]

42. don't expect resolutions

or formal goodbyes. Stay in the present unless she wants to talk about the past. Try not to feel guilty about anything. You are there to help her into the next dimension. You have a job. Sometimes people need others to release them--to let them go. Keep it positive. The hardest thing is not to lose it and cry and ask her to feel your pain. You will have to deal with the conflicts and pain afterwards. Observe your mother. She will guide you in how she wants to die. No matter what has been your relationship in the past, let her final moments be her way. If she wants to pray let her do that. But it has been my experience that no matter how religious a person was in her life, she may be beyond those things now. Watch your own feelings as they come up. If you can't resolve your feelings, get counselling or join a grief support group. Grief is very strange--it comes in waves. A death of a parent may have a very large impact, not to be underestimated. Nothing will ever be quite the same again. But you will go on. You will get through it, with a much deeper understanding of the fragile nature of existence. Part of the gift the dying loved one gives is that they teach us how to die, but also how to live after them more gracefully. Take care of yourself during this time.

[applegrove]

43. Good advice. You are in the right place. Courage.

[donco6]

49. My dad died last summer.

Same type of situation, except I was working, too.

What did I do? I just sat with him. I got things for him if he asked. I washed his hair and face. Helped him go to the bathroom and didn't make a fuss about it. Combed his hair. Gave him water with one of those sponge things on a stick.

What else can you do?

[erinlough]

52. My oldest sister died last year in December from breast cancer

and I feel so fortunate to have spent her last days and hours with her. It is an honor and a gift. Every death is somewhat different but a suggestion is to listen to her. Nancy kept discussing if what she was feeling was what it felt like to die. She would describe what was going on inside her and we would talk about the questions she wanted answered. Sometimes she would ask the visiting nurse or we would go online to find answers.

When the end came she told us that she was too tired to keep going and she went into a deep coma and died 5 hours later. My sisters and I sat around her bedside and talked like we have always done. She had so much Chemo that she felt very little sensation or pain so in that way she was lucky.

I felt like my sister in her sharing had given me a lesson on facing death which I can use when my time comes. We will all be there after all. It was the most spiritual experience of my life.

[fed-up]

53. Lots of good suggestions above and here are a few more

My mom passed away peacefully at home from lung cancer in 1999 three years after suffering a massive stroke. I was her full-time caregiver.

Luckily she said yes to Hospice and that gave her someone else to semi-communicate with (she could only speak a few phrases, but could understand most of what was said to her). We did change hospice workers as the first one just didn't "click" personality wise. It was an easy change to make, with no hard feelings.

I wish most that she had more speech as there were soooo many things that I wanted to ask her about. I wish I had thought of digging out the old photos of her childhood, but didn't get around to that until the remembrance service. I wish that I could have taped some stories of her life.

She refused all pain meds until the last day (from diagnosis to her passing was only 10 days). She was in pain, but did NOT want to be "under the influence". Also the vicodin can make one constipated and she did not want to deal with that. She only had one dose of the liquid morphine. It was HER choice. Some people want to meet their maker with a clear head.

She also kept pulling out the oxygen tubes in her nose as they were VERY uncomfortable. Again, she was the boss.

*NOTE- Do monitor the morphine and other pain meds as it seems the the home care worker that came the last few days managed to steal of few of the vicodins.

Wet washclothes, ice chips and soft music (John Denver) were helpful.

I kept a baby monitor by her bed and was able to take breaks outside once in awhile, this way I could hear if she needed anything and I could do my crying away from her.

The last night was really tough to listen to as her lungs were filling with fluid and I had to cover my head with a pillow so as not to hear the "death rattle". Yes, I did feel guilty for doing this, but am okay with it now.

Somehow I knew when she was going to move onto the next world and woke up my son, and my sister at about 4:30am. We all sat around her bed, holding her hands and when she did pass five minutes later there was a surge of energy that passed through her hand to mine. It was a very special moment.

Hospice was wonderful and their pamphlets were full of helpful information. They also answered any questions I had no matter what time it was. They were not there when she passed as they were overbooked on patients.

I do suggest that you look up funeral arrangements ahead of time. When I made phone calls almost every place told me that they could not give me a quote for services as "that person was out of the office". I finally found a place that was upfront about cost and exactly what service they could provide. Mom had already let us know that she wanted to be cremated and we found a no frills place that picked up her body and did the cremation for about $500.

Try to arrange for friends or family to be around on the last days as you will need a familiar shoulder to cry on. Also try not to have to make any major decisions for a few weeks as your grief may affect decision making.

Try to make casseroles and things that are easy to freeze and reheat.

I wish you the best. You sound like a wonderful daughter.