An important service needs your help! /sarcasm

[interupt]

www.capalert.com

I was put onto this site by a fellow DUer and I love nothing better than to read the tortured screed of a guy reconciling his personal problems by screaming "Won't someone think of the children" and "Hollywood is evil!" In the same sentence...er paragraph....er 4000 word essay.

Our hero reviewer regularly walks into the den of hell otherwise known as a cinema to report to fellow Christians about the evils of movies. We don't know why he doesn't get screener tapes or free passes like other movie reviewers...must be that "bribe" thing in the Bible somewhere. He even freely admits to reviewing R Rated movies because "all kids see them anyway." (Hes the guy up the back in the plastic rain jacket pretending to writing with a torch and a notebook but is really masturbating during the sinful bits)

But now he needs your help.

SPECIAL NOTE TO PLANNERS: It doesn't look like we will be able to bring you analysis of Bad News Bears (PG-13), The Beautiful Country (R), Crash (R), The Devil's Rejects (R), Happy Endings (R), The Honeymooners (PG-13), Hustle & Flow (R), The Island (PG-13), Last Days (R), George A. Romero's Land of the Dead (R), Must Love Dogs (PG-13), The Perfect Man (PG), Rize (PG-13), Sky High (PG), Stealth (PG-13), or Undead (R) unless donations increase massively and regularly very quickly.

So the quick and short of it is that they (I hope there is more than one or he takes God to see the movies) need cash for a good cause of the W-I-S-D-O-M system so that all 7-10 year old kiddies will be protected from movies that after seeing will immediately make them take off all thier clothes, drink each others blood and have homosexual relations.

The W-I-S-D-O-M system is so fullproof it shows the true message of Christian films;

THE PASSION OF CHRIST
Score 69/100 = bad bad bad movie!
Though this movie is a faithful depiction of the unimaginable terrors our Lord suffered for our sakes, it is a movie. It is entertainment. Violent entertainment. Thus the reason for the zero score in the Wanton Violence/Crime investigation area. It was not Jesus in the film. It was Jim Caviezel in the full-body moulage,. That it is truthful to the actual events does not excuse exposing your kids to it unless you, mom/dad, say so. There is where the brutal objectivity of the CAP analysis model (the Findings/Scoring section) becomes most valuable. If a scene is violent, the CAP model notes it as such whether "justified" by actual events or not.

BABY MIRACLE VOLUME 2: Noha's Ark
Score 98/100 = good movie...no wait. Why only 98? Surely this would be the pinnacle of Christian entertainment.

The only instance of concern for parents in this video might be the Bible tale of the Great Flood wiping out all life except for Noah and his family . Though the Great Flood actually happened, the story of many people being drowned because of their disobedience to God may be a disturbing story for toddlers . That we are all disobedient to God may frighten toddlers who are able to discern that because of disobedience God drowned all the people on the planet. While the video carefully but accurately addresses the subject, inquisitive kids might ask tough questions about the Great Flood you will have to address. The video also reminds us of the rainbow God placed after the Great Flood to show us of His Promise to never flood the Earth again .

Ahhh can't have inquisitive toddlers they might start asking questions about their "naughty bits" or why they look so much like their cousins


Ok how bout an easy one. The evil evil public education video shipped to sinful public schools.

WE ARE FAMILY
Score: 87/100....evil evil mov--...no hang a score of 87? Even our poor reviewer has to spin like a top for this one.

Of 600 total points across the six CAP investigation areas (see CAP Methodology above), only one point was lost in only one investigation area -- in Sexual Immorality. The content that required the loss of that single point was exposure of an excessive portion of a human female breast. As the result of that scene the We Are Family video earned a final score of 87, placing it at the bottom of the scoring range earned by G-rated movies (100 to 87 out of 100) in the comparative baseline database. The We Are Family video is equivalent to "hardcore" G-rated entertainment programming.

Apparently though there is evil in the Teachers Guide...
The Teacher's Guide that accompanies the DVD is, however, perfectly suited to inject matters of homosexuality into the total presentation. Presenters who practice homosexuality or are sympathetic with the homosexual movement will find in the Teacher's Guide ample opportunity to extend the video and pave the way for secondary discussions about homosexual practitioners in the family. Adoptions and foster care by "gay" practitioners might be another place "gay" and "gay" sympathetic teachers could go with the Teacher's Guide.

So come on DU'ers. Give (nothing) generously to the CAP ministry!

Won't someone think of the children.

[cynatnite]

1. I can't get past the 'taking god to the movies' part

I mean it seems a little redundant. :rofl:

My kid is watching that violent Popeye cartoon. I'd hate to see what kind of score it'd get on their rating system.

[Career Prole]

2. snort!

:rofl:

[interupt]

3. Self Kick.

Come on guys this is important work they are doing.

[mr blur]

4. "Inquisitive kids might ask tough questions about the Great Flood,

you will have to address."

They may start to think for themselves. Bad thing.

[blondeatlast]

5. Priceless! So why would he need money?

Why is it that those seving the "Lord" (I swear it can't possibly be the same one I pray to) always have the cheesiest sites?

Rumor has it he's planning an upgrade soon--to coincide with 1995 web styke.

Working in the Collection Development office of a public library, I'm familiar with movie rating databases.

There is a great reviewing service for kids and parents called "Kids in Mind." It simply tells parents what may be of concern to their children's sensibilities in detail and allows the parents to judge on that criteria for themselves. Much more informative than the rating system.

In case anyone is interested, find it here:
http://www.kids-in-mind.com/

We find this site invaluable. Now KIM does deserve some support

[muriel_volestrangler]

6. That's TAX DEDUCTIBLE donations, of course

(their capitals, not mine, though I can't give it the colour highlighting in the title). God forbid that the government gets their hands on your money, rather than some guy who wants it so he can watch lots of videos.

Wow, Chariots of Fire (Oscar winning, U rated in the UK (ie suitable for everyone)) only gets 77 out of 100. That's despite one of the 2 central characters being a devout Christian who refuses to race on the sabbath, and succeeds anyway, and then goes to be a missionary. The other main character is a Jew who overcomes some discrimination to win too (and becomes a stalwart of the British athletics association). Uplifting, you'd think? So what are the bad points?

The only sexual matters to this film were display of excessive cleavage (but not as severe as contemporary films), two instances of gaping face kissing between an unmarried heterosexual couple which were clearly lustful, and brief full rear male nudity. There are six uses of the three/four letter word vocabulary plus two uses of "fool" which God warns against sternly and two uses of God's name in vain but without the four letter expletive. Smoking and drinking is rampant.

I've never seen anyone so uptight. Objecting to "fool"? "Excessive cleavage" and "gaping face kissing"? I think Ayotollah Khomeini would be more lenient.

Thanks for the link - good to get a few laughs whenever you need them.

[interupt]

10. Ahh speaking of which...

Check this paragraph out in the War of the Worlds review...

But due to numerous higher priority action items (taking our foster daughter whom we will be adopting to her cardiologist and a plethora of foster/adoptive parenting and licensing matters) I was not able to prepare this Summary/Commentary nor the web page until today, July 3, a five-day delay. Since War of the Worlds is four days old already it may be useless to continue. But I am going to anyway.

The bottom line is that until this ministry can provide enough operating expenses and salary that my wife can quit her job to be the one to stay home with the nine kids (seven adopted kids, one foster daughter soon to be adopted and another foster daughter), this ministry takes a back seat.

Until full funding is available for operation of the CAP ministry, delays such as this are inevitable (and many analyses missed altogether).

I mean WTF?! is this legal let alone safe in the US?

[kliljedahl]

11. 7 adopted, 2 foster?

Hasn't he learned there's a "natural" way to get kids? Methinks the man's a virgin.


Keith’s Barbeque Central

[muriel_volestrangler]

12. It certainly sounds irresponsible

I doubt in Britain they would allow that many adoptions, even if both parents could spend all their time with the children (and they had enough money to be able to afford that). I'm sure they wouldn't if one had a proper job, and the other had a flakey job depending on anonymous charity that could come and go at any time. That he thinks his vaporuous witterings about films is more important than his kids is worrying. If his wife has a steady income, she should be working, and he should be looking after them (9 kids? That's a full time job for sure, whatever their age). And he shouldn't be trying emotional blackmail on gullible Christians.

[jmowreader]

13. I think it's legal

Look, this guy's essentially a bum. He refuses to get a job and mooches off his wife.

However, if people will send him enough money that he can afford to have his wife quit HER job so he can run around watching movies all day long and writing these nit-picky "Christian" reviews of them, he will go back to reviewing movies.

I figure that if no one will e-mail this bum and tell him that Jayzus will understand if he goes to a job during the day and saves America's Jayzus-Fearing Chilluns from the Evils of Hollywood in the evenings, they deserve to support this leech.

Now! For true entertainment rent "Detroit Rock City," watch it, then read the CAPAlert review of it. Watch the South Park movie then read the CAPAlert review of it.

This guy is so proud of his WISDOM model that he fails to note its defects. Some of them are severe. For instance, WISDOM rates all smoking the same. Some movies I've seen have the good guys all be nonsmokers and the scumbags all be smokers--translation: if you smoke, you're a scumbag. WISDOM rates a cigarette in the hand of the villain the same as a cigarette in the hand of the hero.

[interupt]

14. I agree with you...thats whats so scary...

Look, this guy's essentially a bum. He refuses to get a job and mooches off his wife.

So how the hell does the ministry/family/cult get away with successfully adoopting up to nine children?

Listen I dont care if you follow, God, Yahwey, Buddah, Allah or the Goddess, if you are trying to get donations from people so your wife can quit work to look after them, you are the lowest scum of the Earth.


I hope these kids turn out OK, but you have to admit that it looks like the next Phelps clan is coming eh?

Actually, Jimowreader, you have turned my thinking onto something....how can he call himself a non profit ministry if he publishes that the money goes directly to his salary?

[annabanana]

7. Madagascar review is priceless

They object to a lion biting a zebra's posterior (animated!)

[Coventina]

8. I was just reading their "reviews" of the Harry Potter movies

It seems to me that they really don't understand the plot.

There are inaccuracies in facts about the stories, as well as a failure to grasp that evil characters behave in evil ways. They seem to want to condemn the movies because bad people do bad things.
Sheesh.

[Coventina]

9. The "Lord of the Rings" reviews are pure gold!

Get this line:

"multiple exceptionally graphic attacks by unholy beings, including by thousands of creeping beings with much impalement"

?????

His or her writing is so bad it's often hard to understand what he/she means.

[interupt]

15. The CAP ministry gets off on movies

Hey, this guy went and saw Sin City....just to give it a 0/100. Just look at the nastiness in the Immorality section alone.


# graphically descriptive talk of rape and murder of an 11 year old girl
# making out
# intercourse with nudity
# nudity, upper female, repeatedly
# nudity, female rear, repeatedly, some close-up
# sex talk
# thong nudity, repeatedly
# homosexual reference
# ghosting of female anatomy through thin clothing, repeatedly
# translucent nudity
# women as toys
# sensuous dance, repeatedly
# dressing to maximize the female form and/or skin exposure, repeatedly
# nude woman with appendages hiding gender-specifics
# anatomical references, repeatedly
# man and woman in bed together The Horror!!!!
# cohabitation
# sexual threats
# camera angle to force viewer on private parts, repeatedly
# prostitutes, many and prostitute dress, repeatedly
# soliciting prostitution, repeatedly
# talk of showing privates to each other
# offer of sex, repeatedly
# inappropriate touch
# pedophile
# threat of sexual torture
# full male nudity with privates hidden by shadows, repeatedly, many angles
# sexual innuendo

Gee I hope I dont end up at a cocktail party with these guys...

[Minnesota_Lib]

16. Instead of donating, how about helping him/her out by...

sending in our own reviews of the movies that need to be screened?

I'll take Must Love Dogs. I'm sure I can find a biblical angle to this one.



'Do not have sex with any kind of animal. You would become unclean by doing so.' --Lv 18:23

Score: 96/100...bow wow...and I do mean WOW!! No points lost to the investigative area...in fact, every possible canine orifice is investigated thoroughly...could cause children to ask mommy what daddy was doing last night in the shower with Fido and that blow-up Lassie doll...

[interupt]

17. LOL another classic site

All the fundie people I send the link to get upset...have no idea why...

[Minnesota_Lib]

18. LOL..I just found it....

After reading your post and seeing the title Must Love Dogs, I googled "bible beastiality" to find a funny pix and The Brick Testament came up on top. LOL I am checking it out now...pretty funny stuff.

[stpalm]

19. Is that site run by actual Christians?

Or amazing smart-asses? Either way, it is hilarious.