SFChronicle: "Unitarian Jihad" by Jon Carroll

[kevsand]

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2005/04/08/DDG27BCFLG1.DTL

Jon Carroll
Friday, April 8, 2005

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

(snip)

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

(snip)

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

(This is, of course, a lovely piece of satire... --kevsand)

[More Than A Feeling]

1. That's just the kind of relaxed revolution I could get behind.

Sounds like something out of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy or Monty Python. I love it!

[kevsand]

13. It does seem almost British

in its deadpan dryness. For a more American angle on the silliness, check out this extension of the satire in the form of counterpoint from the Whiskey Bar:

http://billmon.org/archives/001816.html

(Thanks to "silence" at kos for the link!)

[Eloriel]

47. Oh,how cute, from Billmon

It won't be easy: Unitarian Jihad is cunning, and can count on the support of Bush Country's other mortal enemies: the Democrats (except Joe Lieberman, of course), the French, the liberal arts majors. But with time, and a relentless religious witch hunt, I'm sure this war can be won.

And you've GOT to see the photo of Pat Robertson he's got.

[kliljedahl]

2. Grubs again, grumble grumble

http://www.kliljedahl.net

[Nothing Without Hope]

3. Hilarioius, thanks for the laugh!

[silverweb]

4. What a great piece!

One of Carroll's best ever, I think.

:D

[davsand]

5. The revolutionary names are just killing me.

"Brother Gatling Gun of Patience" makes me giggle every time I see it.


Laura

[sharonking21]

6. I love the

Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation!

[Athame]

7. Ha! This Unitarian is sending this one out far and wide

Only a UU could know how close to the bone this strikes, but it is hilarious. Thanks.

:applause:

[kevsand]

8. I knew the UU folks would laugh the hardest! n/t

[deutsey]

46. I'm a UU and I loved this communique

I've sent it out to my UU list.

:thumbsup:

[kevsand]

9. Get your own Unitarian Jihad revolutionary name!

Thanks to Renee over at dailykos for this one:

http://homepage.mac.com/whump/ujname.html

I'm apparently "Brother Neutron Bomb of Desirable Mindfulness"

[davsand]

10. Sister Pepper Spray of Moderation at your service. n/t

[sharonking21]

11. I would like to be known as

the Swift Scimitar of the Enlightenment

[davsand]

12. That is "noted with love by the secretary."

:)

[LdyGuique]

19. Alas, I am "Sister Dagger of Loving Kindness"

this is going to require grave work on my part -- Great Grandmother Carrier and I have never excelled at warm and fuzzy.

[smirkymonkey]

29. I am "Sister Dagger of Non-Dualism"

[da_chimperor]

14. I'm Brother Howitzer of Enlightened Compassion

Cool shit, eh?

[davsand]

15. Welcome to the Jihad, Brother!

[kliljedahl]

16. I'm "Brother Rail Gun of Patience"

Too bad we can't change our DU names, I want that one.


http://www.kliljedahl.net

[loudestchick]

20. I love my name for the coming jihad: The Boot Knife of Quiet Reflection

[intheflow]

22. Brother/Sister Burning Taser of Loving Prudence.

The like the gender neutrality of it best! Love the UUs! :grouphug:

[alphafemale]

28. Sister Hand Grenade of Enlightenment

:rofl:

UU and love this thread!

[PaganPreacher]

32. "Brother Sabre of Enlightenment" here!

Cool name. I think I'll keep it.

The Pagan Preacher/Brother Sabre of Enlightenment
I don't turn the other cheek.

[Missy Vixen]

39. I have been blessed with several names, but

join the Jihad as "Sister Flaming Awl of Mindful Tranquility".

I'm making coffee, if anyone wants some. :party:

Julie

[deutsey]

45. Being a true Unitarian Universalist, I named myself

Subcomandante of Scholarly Inquiry and Reasoned Debate.

:evilgrin:

[Pathwalker]

63. I am The Nail Gun of Forgiveness!

Hello, Brother Neutron!

[More Than A Feeling]

17. Brother Broadsword of Forgiveness!

Kickass! I love it!

[XemaSab]

18. Sister Numchuku of Looking at All Sides of the Question

thinks that perhaps we should not say anything that could potentially be considered disparaging towards our Unitarian brethren.

Implying that the Unitarians are annoyed by the expressions of faith of others may be considered less-than-gracious.

I just wanted to put that forth.

[sharonking21]

23. The principle that fundamentalists are people too

has been added to the charter of the Jihad committee and will forevermore be held close to our hearts.

[intheflow]

21. I've sent this to every UU in my three address books!

This is MOST awesome! :rofl:


Nominated, and thanks for the laugh!!

[cyberpj]

51. I sent it to 3 local UU that I visit - knowing they will LOVE it

If we get any responses, let's post them here too.

[The Magistrate]

24. 'Knew It Was Time To Leave Town....

...when them damn Unitarians came round and burnt a question mark on my front lawn....'

[okasha]

25. Sister Main Gauche of the Short Path here.

[sharonking21]

36. Love it! (NT)

[The Magistrate]

40. If Recollection Serves, Ma'am

It is from a story by one U. Utah Phillips, explaining why he left Seattle....

[cyberpj]

52. Oh so very excellent. eom.

[Squeech]

26. Wonderful

Where do I sign up?

Can I be the Lasso of Non-Attachment?

[cyberpj]

27. Sister Flaming Fist of Peace.......reporting for duty!

See you all in the Gandhi room!

Attn: Davsand - I hope you don't mind sharing one of your icons but once I found my Jihad name I liked it so much I wanted a proper badge.

[davsand]

31. We are sisters in The Jihad--I will share happily with you!

What I have is yours...including the solidarity fist of peace!


Laura

[cyberpj]

50. You epitomize the soul of the revolution - thanks be to you. eom.

[demgurl]

30. Sister Shuriken of Desirable Mindfulness

That is my new name. I am going out tomorrow to have my license changed!

[Catbird]

33. Sister Plastic Knife of Patience checking in

We will bring the government to its knees through discussion groups!!

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[sharonking21]

35. Could we ask please that the UU Jihad have

a mission and vision statement? And perhaps set goals and objectives?

Also, I could offer to read my poetry to Bush et. al. and the Neocons until they cried "Uncle."

--The Prophet Poet of the Imponderable

[davsand]

37. We'll have to lovingly send your suggestion over to the committee.

I am quite prepared to join you with an interpretive dance for the neocons' enlightenment.


Sister Pepper Spray of Moderation
(Laura)

[sharonking21]

38. Oh, I have an excellent one for you

I'm an ex-epidemiologist and my branch was always threatening to perform our modern interpretive dance on statistical adjusting for reporting delay to entertain at division meetings (rather than fine-tuning our mission and vision statements again).

It is a beautifully abstract concept that simply cries out for your artistic expression.

[Lisa]

61. and banners!

We shall be terrible with brightly-colored hand-quilted banners.

[kevsand]

67. Most assuredly!

I would suggest that the Sunday Flowers and Banners Committee may wish to consider forming a sub-committee for this very purpose. Of course we'll have to check with the Facilities and Scheduling Committee to see if there is a convenient time for such a sub-committee to meet...

[EFerrari]

64. I appreciate your plactic knife

unhappily to the point of covetousness.

Perhaps I can query the duct tape?

Sister Duct Tape of the Open Door

[CitySky]

34. Sister Roundhouse Kick of Acceptance

reporting for duty, or rather I will be just as soon as I'm done transplanting these basil seedlings...

[theHandpuppet]

41. Sister Smart Bombs of Love

Dropping soon into a neighborhood near you!

[Binka]

42. Sister Katana Of Loving Kindness

This is fun! Jon Carroll is a very good man. One of the few decent writers still at the chron.

[LeftHander]

43. Brother Taser of Compassion

[blindpig]

44. what fun! n/t

[Boomer]

48. I'm SO sorry I'm late!

Please forgive my late arrival to the Jihad, but there was a yeast crisis at the food co-op.

-- Sister Flame-thrower of Felicity

[cyberpj]

49. There is no "late" --- only "newly arrived" . . . . . . .

Welcome!

Sister Flaming Fist of Peace

[sharonking21]

73. The more reality-based among us

might prefer, perhaps, -- tardy?

[wildeyed]

53. Sister Howitzer of Love and Mercy checking in.

This thread is too funny. We should get the flaming fist, flaming question mark, etc added to the avatar page. :rofl:

[Boomer]

58. Feel free....

... to use my flaming question mark avatar. Available without charge to all Unitarian Jihadists.

[wildeyed]

68. Thank you, Sister Flame-thrower of Felicity.

Yours in Moderation,
Sister Howitzer of Love and Mercy

[cyberpj]

62. Greetings Sister Howitzer of Love and Mercy -

Feel free to use my flaming fist --- I already borrowed the fist itself from Sister Pepper Spray of Moderation so I could add the flames. We all know that humans can ultimately own nothing!

Signed,
Sister Flaming Fist of Peace

[wildeyed]

69. Thank you, Sister Flaming Fist of Peace.

I will go to ATA and suggest that they add the symbols of the revolution to the avies list.

[Catbird]

54. Unitarian Jihad needs more committees!!

As we all know, an effective jihad can not be run without a sufficient number of committees working on it. Individual acts of rationality and calm may not suffice.

We have at least a God Subcommittee, a Fundamentalism Subcommittee, a Sunday Flowers and Banners Committee, and a Name Assignment Committee. We don't yet have a committee for the God and Fundamentalism Subcommittees to be subcommittees of; however, only an organizational fundamentalist would insist on one. I am not sure how many committees would be sufficient. Perhaps an organizational committee is needed to address this issue.

One critical need is a budget committee. There is no reason to let the complete lack of funds prevent us from establishing one.

Sister Plastic Knife of Patience

[sharonking21]

59. Indeed

see my earlier post--I do not see how they can proceed without a mission and vision statement and without setting goals and objectives.

Have they established milestones so they can measure progress? An entire committee should devote every Tuesday evening to this endeavor until it is done.

Will they be giving progress reports to the entire congregation?

All weighty, weighty questions which could be solved by the Planning to Plan subcommittee, as yet to be established.

Nominations?

[Catbird]

71. Another essential committee

I probably should have posted the comment about committees as a reply to your earlier post about mission and milestones, among other things. I had read it but did not think of it when I wrote mine.

Clearly we need a Filing and Archives Committee to help keep track of the posts and other records.

[sharonking21]

72. Concerning the budget committee . . .

God (or Whomever) forbid that this reference to funding be taken as a call to donate money! :blush:

Your time, understanding, patience, and knowledge of revolutionary methods are, however, highly valued, as is the possession of at least one mauve or robin's-egg-blue fuel-efficient hybrid M1-Abrams tank which will be used to deliver food to shut-ins and enlightenment to Neocons.

__Sister Scimitar of the Everlasting Enlightenment

[Coexist]

55. This is now on my fridge

How wonderful!

[Hugin]

56. Brother Foon of Blessed Silence here.

Any messages for me?

:)

(P.S. or was that Spork? I can never really tell.)

[Catbird]

70. Spork web links

Google claims approximately 438,000 hits for spork and 120.000 for foon. Wikipedia gives preference to spork. Many of the first listed web pages explain how to convert a spork into a foon and vice versa, so there are apparently multiple (well at least two) levels of duality here.

A nice comment on sporks from The Slightly Less Than Official Spork Homepage
http://www.spork.org

A spork is a perfect metaphor for human existance. It tries to function as both spoon and fork, and because of this dual nature, it fails miserably at both. You cannot have soup with a spork, it is far too shallow; you cannot eat meat with a spork, the prongs are too small.

[Hugin]

74. There is no spork!

Catbird... Thanks so much for the very informative
corollary post to my original. I found it extremely
enlightening and entertaining.

:)

[EFerrari]

57. Sister Putty Knife of the Inevitable Compromise checking in.

Jon Carroll is the very best thing in our SFChron. TG for him and "Bad Reporter".

B.

[libnnc]

60. Sister Neutron Bomb of Quiet Reflection

Dat's me, kids! O8)

[Chovexani]

65. Coolest band name ever

I call it. :P

[Junkdrawer]

66. Mrs. Junkdrawer, while working on the UU funding grant, wrote this:

Dear Mr. Carroll,

Thank you for your wonderful article in the SFC of 8 April. Had I but read it before I went to Sunday services, the numbers of the jihad would have swelled. I am sending a link to your inspired article to all the members of AUUC.

Peace & blessings,

Sister Incendiary Bomb of Tolerance
(AKA: xxxx xxxx xxxx, PhD)