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I, __________________________________ (fill in the blank),
being of sound mind and body, unequivocally declare that in the
event of a catastrophic injury, I do not wish to be kept alive
indefinitely by artificial means. I hereby instruct my loved ones
and relatives to remove any and all life-support systems, once it
has been determined that my brain is longer functioning in a
cognizant realm. However that judgment should be made only
after thorough consultation with medical experts; i.e., individuals
who actually have been trained, educated and certified as
doctors.
Under no circumstances -- and I can't state this too strongly --
should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians
who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on
it. Furthermore, it is my firm hope that, whenever 'the time' does
comes, any discussion about terminating my medical treatment
should remain private and confidential.
Living in Florida, however, I am acutely aware that the
legislative and executive branches of state government are fond
of meddling in family matters, and have little concern for the
privacy and dignity of individuals.
Therefore, I wish to make my views on this subject as clear and
unambiguous as possible.
Recognizing that some politicians seem cerebrally challenged
themselves (and with no medical excuse), I'll try to keep this
simple and to the point:
__________________
1. While remaining sensitive to the feelings of any loved ones
who might cling to hope for my recovery, let me state that if a
reasonable amount of time passes -- say, ________ (fill in the
blank) months -- and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it
should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my
spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel
in the tubes and call it a day.
2. Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support
machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads will mind their
own **** business, and pay attention instead to the health,
education and the future of the millions of Floridians who aren't
in a permanent coma.
3. Under no circumstances shall any governor of Florida butt
into this case and order my doctors to put a feeding tube down
my throat. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes he's
trying to scrounge for his run for the presidency in 2008, it is my
wish that he plays politics with someone else's life and leaves
me to die in peace.
4. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-
mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I
don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized
them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind
their own business, too.
5. It is my heartfelt wish to expire quietly and without a public
spectacle. This is obviously impossible once any elected
officials become involved. So, while recognizing the wrenching
emotions that attend the prolonged death of a loved one, I
hereby instruct my relatives to settle all disagreements about
my care in private or in the courts, as provided by law.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case
into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the
grave and make his or her existence a living hell. I just might come back as a rabid squirrel and run up a few pants legs.....
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