How to piss off a Revelationist Freeper

[queeg]

Quote nonexistent bible passages....

EXAMPLE: ---Don't you understand your bible? Robert 12:47 says that "all men without wives must fornicate regularly". I am sure you can understand that and your stupid "waiting for marriage" crap is just plainly against God's and Jesus's wishes.---

If they point out that there is no "book of Robert", ask what bible they have been reading and point out that theirs is out of date, and they need the newer edition. (perhaps offer to sell them one)

Or just say that only "Amateur" Christians use the bible that they are using, and that they need to use an "expert or Professional" version of the bible. (perhaps offer to sell them one)

Or point out that only unbelievers would question the veracity of a biblical passage (it says that in George 3:33-37)

Use of strange stilted shakespearian language helps --use of verily -- ye-- hast-- hath-- helps with the belief in the passage.

Point out that you have been a biblical scholar for years, berate any education they may have had as substandard. Point out that some classes they may have taken may have been sinful and they must atone for that. (right there in Travels II 44:5-7)

[LSdemocrat]

1. actually I'd point out the liberal leaning bible passages

or some of the outrageous ones that refer to slavery and such

[Maple]

2. Oh that's cold !

but it's hilarious! :D

[queeg]

7. It all involves the belief that you are sincere

It's a classic con,

I tried it out on a few people tonight at a local coffee shop, and I SWEAR if I had had a pickup load of the "2005 Revised Professional Bible", I could have sold 50 of them.

At least 2 people were going to go to a local christian bookstore tomorrow to purchase one. I just wish I was there as a fly on the wall to listen to that conversation.

It's a matter of the buddy con, where you are just one of the crowd. I can see it in Florida right now, everyone sitting around with their signs waiting for the TV lights to come back on...

"Hey hows it going--I was going to make a sign with a couple of passages from the book of Larry here and I need a big marker"

"book of Larry?"

"Well Lawrence..., but I really think the passage about giving 30 pieces of silver to unbelievers is really something that will show up good on CNN..."

"30 pieces of silver to unbelievers.."

"Yeah Lawrence 3:3-7....Oh, you haven't got the new '2005 Revised Bible'"

"No..."

"You really need to get a copy, with the new texts, it has a lot more to say about Jesus in the land of the Unbelievers, and that Jesus wants us all to give 30 pieces of silver to unbelievers so that they will be able to journey to the revelation with us, and find the true faith... I've got a few in the car that I bought for a song, would you like to buy one?... They really are cracking down on people not using the new text. You really need to get the Professional text rather than the Amateur one if you are going to be at a lot of these things or doing the clinic thing."

"Oh well maybe--"

"Sure hang on I 'll get a couple, I got them for $20 each and I'll sell them to you for cost, no problem."

"Gee ok...."

and just remember--- there's a SUCKER born every minute.

[ultraist]

8. LMAO!!!

:bounce:

I'm going to try it.

[KharmaTrain]

12. Oral Roberts Would Be Proud

Tonight, I was laughing at the parade of the same signs over and over again behind the non-stop Schindler press conferences. During Jesse Jackson's drone-on conference these people kept parading around and around (my son said it reminded him of the backdrops on the Flintstones...the same 4 buildings always going by). Soon we were fixated on these people and trying to figure out what scam they were pushing.

Having worked in media circuses in the past, I'm certain these folks glam when they see the kleig lights come up...otherwise they're copping a smoke in the parking lot. One person had a sign that said "Coward Jeb"...that got points for most valuable as it paraded across the screen at least two dozen times while Jesse rambled. There was another that had the Hebrew inscription "L'Chaim"...(it took two of us with bar mitzvahs about a dozen passes to finally read that one)...there was some lady who had sign that looked like something from a high school science fair...all sorts of articles and drawings; probably something real vile but too small for the TV to pick up. Last was my favorite...a lady dressed up as "Lady Liberty" and parading around with a spoon. At first she had the spoon positioned in a way it appeared as a marital aide...and as she kept parading around you could see witchy woman was getting tired of dragging that spoon around...eventually it and she dropped from the parade.

This is such theater of the absurd and it's amazing how gullible people are to give any of these whack-jobs any credibility...but it also yanks at why many are attracted to organized religions...that need to belong and acepted, and in some cases, dominated.

[More Than A Feeling]

3. Can I quote from a book named after myself?

Jacob 11:17 says "Thou shalt not stuff squirrels in thy pants for the purpose of gambling"

[queeg]

9. Unless the squirrel can roll snake eyes regularly.

And Yea snake eyes is the sign of the devil,

And the squirrel hath made his point

which was a Seven, but Satan dwelt upon the No-Pass line

from the Book Of Jacob 11:18-21

[Radical Activist]

4. If they're protestant

Tell them that the Bible they're using was corrupted by the Catholic Church, which is why they don't have those books, and they shouldn't be letting the Pope to tell them what Bible to use. They'll be confused when they're put in the position of having to defend the Catholic Church or admit that you might be right.

[retnavyliberal]

5. My favorite is when they start saying the Bible requires them to ....

spread the word and save me. I tell them that I work for a (unnamed) printer company. I believe with all that I am that our printers are the only way to printing bliss. My company doctrine states that it is part of my job to convert users of the other evil brands of printers. We are protesting at the competitors isles of the local Best Buy this coming Saturday. I am just trying to save him/her from being condemned to a life of poor pictures and text. Sometimes we go door to door asking people if they have heard the word of *our brand* and how it will change your life.

I can go on and on. Usually pisses 'em off pretty good.

[AussieDave]

6. You are extremely naughty and should be sent to your room

immediately !!!

Before you go, could you help me up off the floor (I'm laughing so hard)......

[Spider Jerusalem]

10. Easy enough...

I'm a lapsed Catholic, so I can cite a nonexistent passage and then call them heretics for not being aware of it. Heh.

[countryjake]

11. Oh my, I am dying here!

I confess, I've done it! The bible babblers that really piss me off are the ones who have never read it, especially if they are trying to use it to back up a particularly stupid argument. Driven to the brink of madness, myself, I once asked two wretched women screeching at me about abortion what they thought of the book of Titus Andronicus Chapter 9, Verse 18 in which the father butchers his wife's children & serves them up to her to eat! They only paused for a second & proceeded to defend such an action, suggesting that they were bastard kids or that it was custom to make such sacrifices back then, to test one's faith.

Only in fundie-land can such tricks be successful!

[queeg]

13. LOL--try this one

the holy book of Macbeth 4:1-21

First Witch :Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.

Second Witch :Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.

Third Witch : Harpier cries 'Tis time, 'tis time.

First Witch :
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.

ALL :
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch :
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

ALL :
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Third Witch :
Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witches' mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Jew,
Gall of goat, and slips of yew
Silver'd in the moon's eclipse,
Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips,
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.

ALL :
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch :
Cool it with a baboon's blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.


Shit, I just mumble this shit under my breath at the coffee shop, and people don't sit near me---

[countryjake]

14. All lines which are dear to my heart...

and yes, you do get odd looks intoning such things these days. I once played the second witch & still can quote alot of it...cool it with a baboon's blood never fails to come out of me whenever someone says "Cool"!

[Swamp Rat]

15. I frequent the coffee shops in my neighborhood causing trouble.

:D

:yourock: