Borowitz report( this is humor, not real)

[caligirl]

RUMSFELD WARNS IRAQ NOT TO DO ANYTHING STUPID WITHOUT CALLING HIM FIRST
Scolds Iraqis in Televised Tongue-lashing

In a televised interview today, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that Iraq's nascent democracy was entering "a crucial stage" and warned the Iraqi people, "Don't do anything stupid without calling me first."

Mr. Rumsfeld, appearing on the Fox News Channel, looked directly into the camera to address the Iraqi people in a surprisingly stern tone of voice: "Listen up, you Iraqis, because I am only going to say this once."

The Defense Secretary then warned the Iraqi people against any "horsing around" or "monkey business" when it comes to choosing members of their first democratic government.

"I have personally busted my hump to bring democracy to that infernal country of yours and I don't want to see you putting any Tom, Dick or Harry in charge," he said.

Leaving little doubt that he intended to back up his words with action, Mr. Rumsfeld added, "I gave democracy to you and I can take it away - and don't think I wouldn't dare."

He then recited his home phone number for Iraqis to call "before you do anything stupid," adding, "If I'm not there, leave a message with Mrs. Rumsfeld."

Turning to other matters, Rumsfeld had harsh words for the nation of Turkey, who in March of 2003 refused to let the U.S. invade Iraq from the north: "They don't call your country 'Jive-ass Turkey' for nothing."

Elsewhere, the National Rifle Association criticized the practice of allowing terrorists to buy guns at gun shows, arguing that terrorists should "go get their own gun shows."