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Edited on Mon Jan-31-05 03:10 PM by txaslftist
Conservative History:
In the beginning were the people. They hunted and gathered. A progressive/liberal sat one day thinking, and said, "We can have food here if we plant it." The conservative said, "Gaah" -being conservative, he had not yet accepted this newfangled thing called speech- by which he meant, we can go on hunting and gathering, farming is silly.
The rest of the people accepted farming, and the people prospered.
Shuddering in the cold, a progressive/liberal said, "You know, if we rub sticks together we can have a warm fire." The conservative replied, "AAiigh!" By which he meant fire is hot and could burn us. Nevertheless the progressive mastered fire and the people prospered.
Tilling his field by hand one day, a progressive/liberal said, "Maybe I can catch a zebra and make him pull this plow." The conservative said "We don't need no stinking zebra here. I am strong. I pull plow." (bowing to the inevitable, he had learned to speak, if crudely.)
The rest of the people accepted domestication, and the people prospered.
Because the conservative was primarily driven by a desire to smash things and screw things, the rest of the people were commonly bothered by the conservative screwing his sisters, his mother, his brothers and anyone else he could find. Anyone who did not share his grossly inflated sexual appetites he classified as a girliman. The progressive/liberals therefore had to invent laws, as the only way to keep the conservative from screwing his and their sisters/children/mothers*/newly domesticated animals was to tell him it was 'against the law'.
The conservative was rather a selfish brute, and would not simply accept 'the law', of course, unless it was backed by some power greater than himself. The conservatives were too dumb to come in out of the rain, and were frequently struck by lightning. Accordingly, the liberal/progressives seized upon this happy fact to invent 'religion'. A Great Power drove the lightning (they posited) and if the conservative did not obey the laws of this Great Power, he would be struck by lightning. The happy by-product of this marriage of religion and law was the development of 'civilization'.
On economics:
The modern conservative actually believes that because his boss says he is a conservative and because he himself is a conservative, they are somehow on the same plane. The boss uses this simple misconception by the idiot conservative to cheat him quite convincingly of his fair share of the wages, to deny him decent health care and to prevent him from ever rising from his subservient position. All the while the boss -who is actually a monarchist- decries the development of such 'liberal' notions as a union, a regular work week or a minimum wage, enticing the conservative to view these things with equal suspicion.
On war:
The conservative, perhaps as a genetic result of being often stricken by lightning, views anything that sounds like thunder with awe. Thus the sound of jackboots thumping in cadence, artillery or bombs dropping, the rhythmic rattling of machine guns and martial music all equally stir his heart with a fervor that cannot be denied. In actual combat he generally sits in a foxhole and watches the onslaught with a combination of dread and superstition, all the while praying to the "maker of lightning" to spare him so that he can rend, destroy and (with any luck at all) screw his enemies or their spouses and children.
On morality:
The conservative does not, himself, possess moral limitations. He does, however, recognize that opportunities to steal, rape, pillage, plunder, kill and destroy things are limited. Therefore he is always willing to impose his morality on others, so that the limited resources will generally fall his way, hopefully during a 'war'. War is that state where a group of conservatives gather a bunch of the people and have them kill a bunch of other people. It is also a great opportunity for a conservative to have his way with the world.
*(if it seems I am calling conservative mother-f**kers, I would never deliberately use that kind of language...but facts are facts).
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