DU Mothers/Parents... a Stay-at-Home vs Paid job-Outside-the-Home

[SoCalDem]

Assume a few things off the top here..

Married or a "couple" (gay or straight)

More than enough income earned by breadwinner

Age of child(ren) inconsequential (they actually need MORE supervision as they get older)

Be honest now... Pick the one that BEST fits your thoughts

[pelagius]

1. How about "I need to work because we can't make it on one income."?

It's not always about a woman's preference. Count yourself lucky if you have the choice.

On edit: I see that you list "more than adequete income" as a given. A huge assumption, but, of course, you can structure the poll as you choose. I'll butt out! :-)

[leftofthedial]

16. stay-at-home momhood is no longer possible

in our house

[proud patriot]

2. I'm proud to feel fulfilled as a Housewife

actually Neighborhood mom :hi:

I enjoy watching other peoples kids
for extra $$ too .

I have this choice because my grandparents are very
supportive .

[SoCalDem]

5. I LOVE my June Cleaver life...

I have worked at times, but never HAD to.. I feel very sad for alll the Moms who cannot choose..

I was privileged to get to know my boys..and it's paid off.. They are grown now, but they remember way more than I do..

We get a kick out of their Childhood tales.. Just recently one of them remembered the time I was crawling around in the dirt with them trying to help them catch lizards..and we heard Dad's car (he came home for lunch).. The boys and I were all covered with that red New Mexico dirt, and they were eager to show him the blue lizards we had caught..before we let them go... and to tell him about how I slipped and fell head first into a ditch..:)

Stuff like that you can never get a second chance at..

My kids were little in that "bubble" when most Moms in our neighborhood were still stay-homes, so we had a great community of kids & Moms..cookouts, potlucks, block parties..

There were few days that I did not have someone else's kid in our house..and vice versa..

It's sad that most Moms will never have that..

[aprillcm]

3. Hubby and I have always sacrificed

Things so that I could stay home, things are not as important as our Daughters knowing someone is there when they need them!

However economic times force me to seek work at least part time outside the home.

[pelagius]

14. The same story with my wife and I

We did OK on my one income for ten years, then the industry in which I've successfully worked imploded. I've managed to keep working, but our household income is 40% less than it was in 2002. We have no non-mortgage debt and live simply (no cable TV, rarely eat dinner out, no movies or other entertainments, never darken the door of the mall, we go camping for vacation, etc.). We've depleted most of our savings in the downturn.

With two kids and a house, my wife has had to take a part-time job to make ends meet. We're not getting ahead, we're not financing some fabulous lifestyle, we're just keeping the lights on and food in the fridge.

We made commitments to a non-material lifestyle years ago and have kept them, so we don't feel particularly deprived. But, good God, I dream of living as well as my parents -- who have very modest lives indeed -- on two incomes, much less the one they had when I was growing up.

[SoCalDem]

17. That's the dirty little secret that our government never talks about

ONE income used to be more than enough, and NOW TWO is not enough..

Actual "earning power" has declined in the last 30 years..

People who are in their 70's and up will probably go down in history as the last ones who "had it all"..

pensions...cheap educations for their kids....cheap housing (when they started out)..union jobs...inexpensive healthcare when they were raising families..child-friendly communities...social security...and a nice retirement lifestyle..
(I KNOW there are exceptions...but in general, that generation
has cashed in on the American Dream) I am fearing that the Boomers will be getting more nightmare, than dream :cry:..I am a boomer

[SarahB]

4. I need some balance.

I've been a mom for 12 years, most of which I worked part-time or was in school part-time. I'm going back to work in a few weeks after 4 years of not working (been in school again part-time the past year and a half though) and I am so ready. I love my children so much and I'm willing to sacrifice and make compromises for them. It's part of being a parent, but being at home full-time, in all honesty, drives me crazy.

How about addressing this to DU dads or at least DU parents. Mothers are not the only ones who raise children.

edit: spelling error :hi:

[SoCalDem]

7. I will change it.. Thanks

:hi:

[Cleita]

12. I agree.

Although I've never raised kids other than a teenage stepchild, whom I mostly didn't raise, but stepped aside to let her parents deal with her her upbringing, I did have a mother who sometimes worked to buy the things my father couldn't or wouldn't buy for her.

I always found her to be much happier when she worked. There was something about her getting up and getting dressed and made up to go to work that made her more pleasant to be around when she came home.

Spending all day at home seemed to act as a depressant and caused her to often be surly, nagging and in general hard to get along with.

Until now I have always worked, and when my husband passes away and doesn't need me anymore, I will probably try to find some gainful employment. The way things are going, it may turn out to be a necessity.

Incidentally, my husband is at the stage where he is a six foot, two hundred pound three-year-old,:-) who needs help, dressing, bathing and even walking at times. I'm not complaining. I really feel fulfilled helping him through this last stage of his life.

[yellowdogintexas]

33. Only just now do I have the luxury of not having to work

as my husband has a really good income now. But there have been many times when he was between jobs or woefully underemployed, and I had to work, and at some jobs that really sucked.

But I was able to be home most of the time until our daughter was about 15 months old. So I was able to breast feed w/o stress, enjoy her little baby phase, sleep when she slept, etc. I would not take back that time for anything, even though it was a hardship financially.


Of course now she is 20 years old so I am just around, sort of.

I am looking for work because I need a reason to get out of the house every day besides shopping...I am not that much of a homebody ..not a Martha Stewart that is for sure.

So assuming that we got along OK on one income and I still had young kids I would stay at home or only work part time ..because of all the things I had to miss that my daughter participated in.

[sandnsea]

6. I'm not married to my house, so

That whole fulfilled homemaker thing doesn't do a thing for me. BUT, raising my children and all the activities and volunteering and cookie baking involved, I LOVED that. Well, except when I hated it! :)

[SoCalDem]

9. Don't you love it when they come into your bedroom at 5AM

wake you up , and say.."Mom, I need 4 dozen cupcakes for school"..
and you say,, "when?"..
and they say,,, "TODAY"..

Michael did that to me..

[sandnsea]

18. Or this

6:00 Friday night, telephone call. "Mom, help me sign up for next terms classes online." Okay, what's your pin *. Huh? We tried several combinations of user name and what he thought was his pin # and ended up locked out. When do you have to have this done by? Well Friday of course. 18, some things don't change all that much I guess!

[SoCalDem]

22. Try this one.. My youngest missed all the deadlines for financial aid

because he kept "forgetting" to get the papers filled out or even brought home..

and THAT was our super-smart (but lazy) kid..

He graduated magna cum laude, but had NO clue about college.. or even cared.. He went without financial aid :grr: for 2 years..then he went for a year to Italy (Florence)...has taken more classes, but still doesn't know what he "wants to be"...

Right now he's working because his fiancee is finishing up her degree, and then he'll finish his.. if he ever figures out what he wants to do ....kids...

[sandnsea]

23. Well I did that

I didn't know you had to hit the first deadline to qualify for work study, so we missed that but got the rest of it. Mine wants to be a teacher, the cost of the loans he'll have to pay back on a teacher's salary scares me to death. He's very pragmatic, thinks lofty dreams are silly because most people never achieve them anyway. Find a happy little job with a happy little salary and quit fooling yourself into thinking you're more special than everybody else. He's a happy guy, very happy. He's got a sharp mind and could be anything he wants, but says "who needs the stress". :shrug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

32. That's when you need to use the line:

"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Go bake your own damn cupcakes or have fun explaining to your teacher why you didn't bring any."
:-)

Maybe it's a good thing I never had kids.

[kayell]

8. I want and need to work for pay, because my skills are valuable

,and because I want my child to know that women have numerous valueable skills, and because I would go nuts without more intellectual stimulation than the home, *answers from when I was a working mom

AND because your assumptions are designed to achieve a certain response. Ie: This is a push poll.

[SoCalDem]

10. I don't think it;s a push poll.. just trying to gauge

the WHY...if it's not for money:)

When money enters the fray, ALL choices are over:(

It's about choices...and the reasons for them

[Krupskaya]

11. NOTA

I'm at home because I got laid off THREE YEARS AGO and haven't found a job yet. I'm making the most of it but would like to go back to work for personal fulfillment as well as a paycheck.

[tjdee]

13. I think parents should make every effort to stay home with their kids.

If money is not a factor.

I am lucky and was happy to do so until she started school--although I must admit at times my brain felt like a marshmallow. I do feel more streamlined, efficient, and "with it" when I'm working outside the home.

[Bridget Burke]

15. Non-parent here....

I can see why somebody would want to stay home full-time with a preschooler (or preschoolers), if they can.

But what do these ladies do all day after the kids are in school? And--are they planning on never working at all? Will they stay home afer the kids have gone off to college? Or do they think they'll be able to walk into a good job when they feel like it?

Just wondering.

[sandnsea]

19. Volunteer

We're the youth group leaders, school volunteers, emergency babysitters for working moms, etc. We do plenty as well as cooking and shopping differently to stretch the dollar and maybe even put in a garden, sew, and do our own refurbishing as well.

[pelagius]

20. Well, these ladies...

...are often active in community groups and other non-compensatory activities that make a town worth living in. They're working in schools to make sure all kids -- including those of working parents -- get the assistance they need with their education, so that they can grow up to be good taxpayers who will support _you_ later in life. Some are developing their own skills further by attending classes part-time. Some are out trying to make sure the Republicans don't take over everything while the rest of us are at work.

As a non-parent, you probably have no idea -- I certainly didn't when I was childless -- how much work goes into maintaining the infrastructure of a household. Mundane stuff -- like cleaning, cooking, laundry, organizing family life -- can quickly eat up the five-hour school day.

I really doubt that stay-at-home moms think they're going "waltz" in to the job of their choice at the moment of their choosing. They've chosen valuable, unappreciated work with a great impact on society, and have chosen to live with the downside as well as the rewards.

An excellent book that looks at this situation is Ann Critenden's The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued.

[Bridget Burke]

27. Yes, I know all about housework.

I was one of three children raised by a widow. She went to work once we were all in school--she had no choice. All of us helped around the house. All of us are good taxpayers (among other things)--guess even working women are capable of raising decent children.

I've got married co-workers who also know a lot about housework.

[pelagius]

29. See my earlier post about those fortunate...

...enough to frame "stay at home with children" as a choice.

Of course, working parents can and do raise decent children. Just as parents who pursue a non-compensatory career can be intelligent, capable, hardworking contributors to society.

[juslikagrzly]

21. How about a category "I love my career, and

would not consider staying home full time".

This seems a bit biased toward staying because you love it, or staying home because you NEED to.

Just my 2 cents.

[democratreformed]

26. Yeah, that's pretty much what I meant down below here.

I've done the stay at home thing for a couple of short periods of time(after birth of children - 5 months). Thought I would die of boredom. I felt my brain dying on a daily basis.

[demigoddess]

24. I intended to go back to work when my kids were teenagers, but

my oldest child was born severely retarded , so that went right out the window. She is now almost middle aged and i am still changing her diapers. And I probably will be til one of us croaks. Luckily my husband makes enough for all of us.

[democratreformed]

25. None of the above.

I need to work because it is fulfilling to me. I have often told my husband that, if he ever expects me NOT to work, he'd better be a millionaire so I will be able to dedicate my time to VOLUNTEER work.

[BamaGirl]

28. We do without a lot so that I can stay home.

We've reached the point where we pretty much refuse to spend money anyway unless it's for food or adds to our self-sufficiency. I won't support corporate America anymore, so living on one income got a whole lot easier lol. This also gives me the opportunity to be at the school every day. I won't go into a rant about our school system here, but that has really been essential this year, and wouldn't be possible if I worked.

[LizW]

35. Good point.

Lots of people assume that if you stay home, you still have everything you want. Not true. We gave up 40% of our family income when I quit work. Of course, that was offset by savings on child care, clothes, gas, meals, etc., but we still had to make big adjustments. It has gotten easier over time, but we still live very frugally compared to lots of our neighbors.

[Nikia]

30. Maybe, I'll feel different when I'm a parent

Buy I've become sad those couple short times after I graduated that I had no job. As a teen, I became depressed after a couple weeks of summer. I always need to be accomplishing things that are measurable or will be appreciated by others. Going to work also forces me to be around other people, although I think parents that take their children places or to activities do meet a lot of other people.
Despite this, I think that it is good to for children to have at least one parent at home before they attend school for their moral and emotional development.

[Djinn]

31. If I ever have a kid(s)

I wont be staying at home, if we can afford it the other half will be the stay home parent because I think I could only handle it for a couple of weeks. A few of my friends who've had kids seemed to loose their ability to talk about anything other than their kids, I understand that obviously it's a big part of ones life but it's boring as hell for everyone else.

My mother worked from when I was about 5 - she'd not gone back to work between my younger brother and I (18 months) and I have a better relationship with her than anyone I know does with their mum. I remember plenty about my childhood and being with my folks even after I'd started at school and they were both at work. I'm really glad my parents worked and I honestly don't feel I've missed anything - I used to be really grateful in high school that I could come and home and NOT have my parents right there in my face every day - friends of mine had mothers who would never leave you alone after school, I dunno if they just hadn't found anything to fill their time once their kids were capable of cleaning up their own rooms and feeding themselves, but they were always in the bedrooms "cleaning" or offering food their kids were perfectly able to get themselves and it was kind of cloying.

[DemExpat]

34. I was very fortunate, and felt most fulfilled being at home

when my kids were growing up.

Now that they are grown I wish I had a profession to focus all of my energy and passion on!

I guess one can't have it all. Or be a better life planner than I have been!

DemEx

[sugar magnolia]

36. How about "perpetually conflicted"

When I'm working I want to stay home with my kids and when I'm staying home with my kids I wish I were working! I've always enjoyed working and tend to be pretty driven. I also like staying home with my kids to a degree but I tend to get depressed after a while. I like being able to help out in their schools, but I don't like the sense of competition (the professionalization of motherhood) that a lot of the moms I know have.

I was raised by a single mom and while did the best she could, I always felt like I missed out on a lot because she was never home (this was in the early 70s when there weren't nearly so many single parents). That's probably the biggest reason I want to be home with my kids, at least part time. I think its valuable for kids to have a parent home with them, but I don't think it will ruin their lives if it doesn't work out that way.

I seem to have somewhat of a balance right now, although its a constant struggle. I'm currently in grad school and put in about 60 hours a week. However, a fair amount of this time is spent after the kids are in bed and on weekends when my husband is home. I often feel guilty though because we could get by on one income and yet I'm choosing to work.