Funny mock concession speech (sorry if it's old)

[bacchant]

NPR's 'Wait Wait - Don't Tell Me!"
Concession Speech


My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and
spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession.


I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people.
Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue,
you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really
special.
And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those
kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves
while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful
stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate
the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on
the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just
genius.
Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented
number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their
biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who ! consider
same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or
the economy...
Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove
did.
Gotta give it up to him for that. Now, now. Credit where it's
due.

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of
10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates
dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being
mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow
managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while
aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the
exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck.
Seriously, y'do. Thank you. Thank you very much.

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the
time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a
little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some
friends here in Los Angeles.
As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about
secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We
in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this
country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the
majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em.
We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by
foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a
war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that
you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show
open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the
actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state
civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!?
Bring it on!"

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein
had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am.
Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true,
the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know
it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk
believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession
speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who
subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms
about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and
excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And
you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral
values. You knew better:
America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't
need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell
No! Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic,
unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and
play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have.
Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to
respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is
that for 20 years, we've done just that.

It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the
same.

Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008. Thank you.

And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will
be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking
contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the
cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite,"
and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the
simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote
their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They
don't.

So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking
to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred
drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped
grade-school grads.
Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can
help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Thank you, and may
God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

the rest of the stage, the row of cameras, hundreds of unoccupied
chairs, and the empty field beyond.]

[katinmn]

1. That's more like it!

Thanks. I hadn't heard it.

[pleiku52cab]

2. Better than Kerry's speech

[JI7]

3. kick