The second prez debate, triple-distilled (but still complete)

[Artemis Bunyon]

2nd PREZ DEBATE TRANSCRIPT

QUESTION: Senator Kerry, after talking with several co-workers and family and friends, I asked the ones who said they were not voting for you, "Why?" They said that you were too wishy-washy. Do you have a reply for them?

KERRY: Cheryl, my positions are more consistent than the Preznit's. Just because you vote for a piece of legislation doesn't mean you have to support the way it's being implemented. I urge your friends to look into my positions, which are available on my website, in all their boring glory.

DUBYA: You're confused cuz he's confusin'! He said he voted for the $87 billion, and voted against! Then he voted for it again! First he hates Saddam, now he's Saddam's best buddy! He's a flip-flopper! He's gonna tax you!

QUESTION: Mr. President, yesterday in a statement you admitted that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction, but justified the invasion by stating, I quote, "He retained the knowledge, the materials, the means and the intent to produce weapons of mass destruction and could have passed this knowledge to our terrorist enemies." Do you sincerely believe this to be a reasonable justification for invasion when this statement applies to so many other countries, including North Korea?

DUBYA: Have you forgotten? Need I remind you about a little thing called 9/11? Need I remind you about Oil for Food? I saw a threat, and we acted, because I'm a leader, and leaders lead. Make no mistake, Saddam was a threat. He had hypothetical weapons of mass destruction in the future! And those are just as bad as the real kind.

KERRY: Robin, as you can plainly see, the Preznit is full of shit. That's why he's trying to attack me. Because he's backed himself into a corner in a room full of shit. And he's made the world a more dangerous place. The Preznit rushed to war in Iraq, ignoring far graver threats.

DUBYA: Remember last debate? He said global test! Saddam was a threat! He could have given imaginary weapons of mass destruction to terrorist enemies! The sanctions were bullshit. The United Nations sucks! That's what Duelfer told me!

KERRY: That is NOT what the Duelfer Report says, you ridiculous mongoloid.

QUESTION: Senator Kerry, the U.S. is preparing a new Iraq government and will proceed to withdraw U.S. troops. Would you proceed with the same plans as President Bush?

KERRY: No. The Preznit's plan is not working. There is chaos in Iraq. Even some Republicans understand this. I would do it differently. Go to my website for the details.

DUBYA: The Iraqi officials we installed are optimistic. They're going from tyranny to elections. Iraqis love to be free. My opponent makes them pessimistic. He said wrong war wrong time wrong place! I know how world leaders think, because I'm a world leader. Tony and Silvio like me best. Our plan is working. We're going to make elections, so that Muslims can be more free.

KERRY: This Preznit fucked up, and we're going to have to fix it. The Preznit, whose arrogant, bullying foreign policy has alienated our historic allies, is incapable of fixing it. I can fix it. He can't, because he's the problem.

DUBYA: He doesn't understand the war on terror! We had to make sure the terrorist didn't get any weapons of mass destruction, imaginary or otherwise. That's why it was vital to invade Iraq and secure those oil fields. Firm resolve!

QUESTION: Mr. President, my mother and sister traveled abroad this summer, and when they got back they talked to us about how shocked they were at the intensity of aggravation that other countries had with how we handled the Iraq situation. Diplomacy is obviously something that we really have to really work on. What is your plan to repair relations with other countries given the current situation?

DUBYA: We got a great country. I love our values. Not everybody's values are as great as ours. So they don't understand. Ronald Reagan stood on principle. He stood up to the Soviet Union. I did the same with Saddam. I did the same thing by not signing onto the International Criminal Court, which would have been a terrible mistake considering recent developments.

KERRY: The world doesn't have a problem with America. The world has a problem with this Preznit. That's because he's a liar, and he's incompetent. He lied us into a war he's in danger of losing because he's too stubborn to admit we didn't send in enough troops to keep the peace.

DUBYA: That's all the military's fault. I sent in as much troops as the Generals asked me to.

KERRY: You only listened to the Generals who told you what you wanted to hear. You fired the other ones because you didn't like what they told you. The people your administration mocked and belittled were right. You were wrong.

QUESTION: Iran sponsors terrorism and has missiles capable of hitting Israel and southern Europe. Iran will have nuclear weapons in two to three years time. In the event that U.N. sanctions don't stop this threat, what will you do as president?

KERRY: Randee, you're absolutely correct. This Preznit has been a total disaster. Iran, North Korea, loose nukes… everything has gotten worse on his watch. And now, he's ordering other nations to disarm while simultaneously planning to increase our own nuke stocks. But if we have to get tough with Iran, believe me, we will get tough.

DUBYA: He's naive and dangerous. I fully understand the threat. About North Korea, bilateral relations are bad. It says so right in the Bible. That's what President Clinton did. We're paying attention. Remember when I said "Axis of Evil"? That was Iraq, Iran and North Korea.

QUESTION: Mr. President, since we continue to police the world, how do you intend to maintain our military presence without reinstituting a draft?

DUBYA: I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're gonna have us a draft. We're not. The all-volunteer army works best for fighting these New World Wars. We don't need big armies anymore. That's what we got robots for. Unmanned vee-hicles that can kill people without a moment's hesitation. We need to be lighter and quicker and more facile. So forget all this talk about a draft. Have I ever lied to you?

KERRY: I don't support a draft. Many military officials support my candidacy. Do you know why? Because they know this President is a liar and an idiot. Guard and reserves are doing two and three rotations in Iraq. You've got a back-door draft right now. What happens if we have a national emergency? Our first responders are tied up in Iraq, getting shot at in an badly planned war that could have been avoided. I can and will do better.

DUBYA: (to moderator) Shut your face, Charlie, I'm answering this one! You tell Tony we're going alone! Tell Silvio! Tell Aleksander Kawasaki of Poland we're going alone! Do not degenerate our mighty coalition!

KERRY: Mr. President, countries are leaving the coalition, not joining. Eight countries have left it. If Missouri were a country, it would be the third largest country in the coalition. Ninety percent of the casualties are American. Ninety percent of the costs are coming out of American pockets. I can and will do better.

QUESTION: Senator Kerry, we have been fortunate that there have been no further terrorist attacks on American soil since 9/11. Why do you think this is? And if elected, what will you do to assure our safety?

KERRY: Every day, this Preznit spreads fear among Americans. I agree with him that we have to go after terrorists and get them wherever they are. But you've got to be smart about it. This Preznit isn't smart. I can and will do better.

BUSH: We tripled Homeland Security spending! We're protecting the homeland. We got to be right 100 percent of the time, and the terrorists got to be right once. And that's why if you don't vote for me, they're gonna getcha! And that's why the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. is so important. It's a vital tool that says law enforcement can talk to each other. My opponent wants to weaken it. He would make us more unsafe. This war is a long war that requires steadfast-itude.

KERRY: Spending doesn't mean anything. America is not more secure. This Preznit chose a tax cut over homeland security. Wrong choice. I will X-ray those cargo holds. I will never stop at anything to hunt down and kill the terrorists.

DUBYA: That tax cut went to the middle class! But I'm worried about our country. And there's people working overtime to keep us safe, even though I cut their overtime. That's dedication. Because I know how to lead.

QUESTION: Mr. President, why did you block the reimportation of safer and inexpensive drugs from Canada which would have cut 40 to 60 percent off of the cost?

DUBYA: That's third-world pharmaceuticals. I gotta make sure those Canada drugs don't kill your family. There are ways to make drugs cheaper. We need more generical medicines, which I myself prefer. Can't hardly tell the difference. And we need to drug the elderly. We got a special card they can sign up for, because I'm fixin' problems.

KERRY: This Preznit is full of shit. We're talking about American drugs sold to Canada then shipped back here. The Senate addressed the safety issues, and he blocked it. He even made it illegal for Medicare to bulk purchase drugs. He put billions into the pockets of the drug companies right out of your pockets. I can and will do better.

BUSH: My opponent has been in the Senate for 20 years and he didn't do squat for Medicare. I've only been here three and a half years and our seniors can already get a discount card. That's results.

KERRY: The Senate fixed Medicare in 1997, and I was involved. And guess what else we did? We balanced the budget. And we paid down the debt of our nation for two years in a row. We created 23 million new jobs. You're the first President with a net job loss since Herbert Hoover. In four years, you've given us the biggest deficits in American history, more than George Washington through Ronald Reagan, combined! Go figure.

QUESTION: Senator Kerry, you've stated your concern for the rising cost of health care, yet you chose a vice presidential candidate who has made millions of dollars successfully suing medical professionals. How do you reconcile this with the voters?

KERRY: We support tort reform. As lawyers, we know how to get that done. My website lays out in full detail our tort reform plan. But it's less than 1 percent of the total cost of health care. Five million people have lost their health insurance under this president. He's done nothing about it. I have a plan. I can and will do a better job.

DUBYA: The National Journal says Senator Kennedy is liberal! He's gonna tax y'all! He's got a lack of understanding. Doctors practice defensive medicine because of frivolous lawsuits. The communistic trial lawyers want to socialize with doctors. They want to hand out medicine to their politburo buddies… and that's just wrong.

KERRY: First of all, my name isn't Kennedy. It's Kerry. And secondly, I want you to know that I am rubber. And you, sir, are glue. Everything you say bounces off of me, and sticks to you.

DUBYA: He put a trial lawyer on the ticket!

QUESTION: Mr. President, you have enjoyed a Republican majority in the House and Senate for most of your presidency. In that time, you've not vetoed a single spending bill. Excluding $120 billion spent in Iran and - I'm sorry, Iraq and Afghanistan, there has been $700 billion spent and not paid for by taxes. Please explain how the spending you have approved and not paid for is better for the American people than the spending proposed by your opponent.

DUBYA: You forgot the trifecta! Clinton wrecked the 'conomy by taking the Internets bubble with him. 9/11 changed everything. That's why we're in Iraq. I'm gonna spend what it takes. We have an obligation to spend. Then we give tax relief, so people don't have to pay for it. Their grandkids can pay for it, so small businesses can grow.

KERRY: The Preznit was handed a $5.6 trillion surplus. We now have a $2.6 trillion deficit. He's the first president in 72 years to lose jobs. He gave his buddy a tax cut while lying us into an unnecessary war. The Preznit is failing. I can and will do better.

DUBYA: Didn't you hear what I said? Clinton wrecked the 'conomy! He gave us recession! And everybody who pays taxes got relief. That's why the 'conomy is working.

KERRY: After 9/11, the Preznit promised 5.6 million jobs would be created. He lost 1.6 million. And his tax cut went to his wealthy friends. These are facts. He claims he wanted a tax cut, but he gave a $25 billion giveaway to the biggest corporations in America. He gave a $254 million refund check to Enron. ENRON!!! I can and will do better.

QUESTION: Senator Kerry, would you be willing to look directly into the camera and, using simple and unequivocal language, give the American people your solemn pledge not to sign any legislation that will increase the tax burden on families earning less than $200,000 a year during your first term?

KERRY: This camera? Okay, here goes: I will not raise taxes on people earning less than $200,000 a year.

DUBYA: That's not credible! He's not credible! Don't believe him!

KERRY: Look who's talking.

DUBYA: You can run, but you can't hide! He voted 98 times to raise taxes! He's a liberal!

QUESTION: Mr. President, how would you rate yourself as an environmentalist? What specifically has your administration done to improve the condition of our nation's air and water supply?

DUBYA: We're gonna off-road the diesels by 90 percent. We're gonna increase the wetlands by 3 million. We're gonna re-brown the inner city. We're gonna harvest the tinderbox. We're gonna have hydrogen-generated automobiles. We're spending on technologies. I like clean coal. The air is cleaner now. I guess you'd say I'm a good steward of the land.

KERRY: Wow. What can I say? His Clear Skies bill is straight out of Orwell. They gutted the Clean Air Act and changed the name. They're redefining wetlands. They're going backwards on water quality. They don't believe in science. I do. They politicize science. I won't. I can and will do better.

DUBYA: He's just sayin' that cuz he wants to be poplar in the halls of Europe!

KERRY: This Preznit is an idiot. I'm not. I can and will do better.

QUESTION: Senator Kerry, how can the U.S. be competitive in manufacturing given the wages necessary for American workers to maintain the standard of living that they expect?

KERRY: Jane, I agree with you; this Preznit has failed miserably. He gives tax cuts to companies that outsource. I'll close that loophole, create a manufacturing jobs credit, bring in a new jobs credit, lower the cost of healthcare, and make our schools better so our students can compete more effectively with Asians. We also need to invest in emerging technologies and an energy independence plan.

DUBYA: He's a liberal who put a trial lawyer on the ticket! Medicines is expensive cuz of trial lawyers. Everybody knows that. We got a catastrophic plan! De-regulate! Tort reform! Lower taxes! If we don't do that, then my friends won't give you jobs!

KERRY: You can't stop all outsourcing. But you can create a fair playing field. Plus, the Preznit owns a timber company.

DUBYA: I own a timber company? That's news to me. Anybody need some wood?

QUESTION: President Bush, 45 days after 9/11, Congress passed the Patriot Act, which takes away checks on law enforcement and weakens American citizens' rights and freedoms, especially Fourth Amendment rights. With expansions to the Patriot Act and Patriot Act II, my question to you is, why are my rights being watered down and my citizens' around me? And what are the specific justifications for these reforms?

DUBYA: The Patriot Act is necessary because the FBI couldn't talk to each other. It's necessary. We're in a war. And in a war, we have to put limits on freedom to protect our precious freedoms.

KERRY: Even some Republicans understand that this Preznit has turned America into something out of Orwell, out of Kafka. He's enacted unconstitutional laws that curtail civil liberties. These laws have nothing to do with fighting terrorism, and everything to do with giving John Ashcroft a longer leash. He wants to read people's e-mail, check up on their reading habits, and police morality. We need to coordinate the FBI and the CIA. We need to be stronger on terrorism. But we can't let terrorists make us change our Constitution.

QUESTION: Senator Kerry, thousands of people have already been cured or treated by the use of adult stem cells or umbilical cord stem cells. However, no one has been cured by using embryonic stem cells. Wouldn't it be wide to use stem cells obtained without the destruction of an embryo?

KERRY: Elizabeth, I think you should address your question to Nancy Reagan, or Michael J. Fox, or my good friend, Christopher Reeve. I don't know about you, but I want Chris to walk again. Those embryos you're concerned about… they're a byproduct of fertility therapies. They already exist. And if we don't use them, they'll be flushed down the crapper. Is that how you respect life? By flushing it down the crapper? I don't think so.

DUBYA: Embryonic stem-cell research stops a beating heart. It's murder. But I'm funding it, because I'm a balancer. I funded the 70 lines, because science is important. But so is ethics and balance. But we gotta fund it, because it saves lives. But it destroys life. So it's hard choices.

KERRY: And he calls me a waffler?! Every scientist in the country says this Preznit is wrong on embryonic stem-cell research. I can and will do better.

QUESTION: Mr. President, if there were a vacancy in the Supreme Court and you had the opportunity to fill that position today, who would you choose and why?

DUBYA: I would choose someone who would vote for me, because 5-to-4 is too close for comfort. And to all my African friends, I just want y'all to know that I think Dred Scott was a bad decision.

KERRY: The Preznit has said he wants to appoint more conservative judges like Scalia and Thomas. I will appoint competent, consistent, non-partisan judges. This is one of the topmost reasons why you should vote for me in November. Our freedoms and Constitution are very much at stake.

QUESTION: Senator Kerry, suppose you are speaking with a voter who believed abortion is murder and the voter asked for reassurance that his or her tax dollars would not go to support abortion, what would you say to that person?

KERRY: I'm Catholic, but I'm not running for Pope. Many Americans disagree on abortion. I can't force other people to live by my personal ethics, or by my church's theology. That's why we leave the decision to the individual. Also, I would re-fund international family planning initiatives that the Preznit de-funded, because AIDS babies make me sad.

DUBYA: Leave the decision to the individual? That's crazy talk. I won't spend a dime on abortions. I did once, but that was a long time ago, when I was young and irresponsible and piss fucking drunk. But I love life. That's why I recriminated the half-a-birth abortion procedure. My opponent voted against that crimination. I think parents oughta be notified. He's against that. He's even against protecting belly-babies from murderers. That's no way to be hospitable.

KERRY: I'm against partial-birth abortion, but you've got to have an exception for the life and health of the mother. And I won't require a kid who's been raped by her father to notify her father if she gets an abortion. It's not as simple as this Preznit seems to think.

DUBYA: Did you just call me a retard?! You can run but you can't hide!

QUESTION: President Bush, during the last four years, you have made thousands of decisions that have affected millions of lives. Please give three instances in which you came to realize you had made a wrong decision, and what you did to correct it. Thank you.

DUBYA: I never make mistakes. But sometimes, you know… I appoint mistaken people, or follow mistaken advice. I won't point them out. They know who they are. But I don't mind letting history be the judge. Because I'll be dead by then, and so will you. Besides, my opponent flip-flopped on body armor! Saddam Hussein would still be in power if he were the president! And the world would be a lot better off.

KERRY: That's the third time this month that the Preznit's said we would be better off if Saddam Hussein was still in power. It's like he knows something he doesn't know, if you know what I mean. He sent Americans into Iraq without body armor, without enough ammunition, even without enough food. And then he came back, asked for a blank check for Halliburton, demanded another tax-cut for the rich, and questioned our patriotism if we voted against it. My vote was proper, and as President, I can and will do better.

KERRY'S CLOSING STATEMENT:

I have a plan to hunt down and kill the terrorists. I have a plan to deal with Iraq. I have a plan to provide health care. I have a plan for our schools. I have a plan to protect the environment. But aside from all that, and perhaps more importantly, I am not George W. Bush. So vote for me! Thank you.

DUBYA'S CLOSING STATEMENT:

Things are good at home. Farm income is high. Small business is flourishing. We got more homes owned. Keepin' taxes low, regulations down, puttin' a stop to them lawyers, burnin' more coal. And we're at war. 9/11 changed everything. We must win this unwinnable war without end. America is safer. We're on the hunt. Freedom is on the march. God bless!