My take on Kerry's Iraq/Terror stance in the debate

[Nimrod]

I've noticed quite a bit of commentary on Kerry's stance on the Wars (both in Iraq and on "terror"). Biggest beef seems to be he plans to continue both while still saying "Wrong War, Wrong Place, Wrong Time", and offered very little by way of a plan himself.

This is essentially true. But I've come up with a translation that also rings true to me. He'd never be able to say it on national TV, but we have Americans to blame for that, not Kerry himself.

"I've got bad news and worse news, folks. Bad news is we're embroiled in the Wrong War, in the Wrong Place, at the Wrong Time. Worse news is, it has turned into a complete and total clusterfuck. This is a friggin' mess, and I have no idea if I'm going to be able to resolve it. This is so completely shit-screwed that I have no idea if ANYONE could resolve it. If I'm elected I'm fully aware that I'm walking into a plane crash site with a dustmop, and I'll be expected to have everything neat and tidy by the end of my first term. Thing is, I'm just a Senator right now. I don't have the resources at my command to come UP with a concrete plan. There's classified intelligence that has been hopelessly obfuscated or destroyed, there are about 9147 high-ranking Republicans in my way that want to see me fail abysmally, and the current administration has alienated 98% of our strongest allies. The best I can hope for is our allies just detest Bush, but if he's succeeded in making them detest America itself that's going to be harder to resolve."

"However, I also know that Iraq and the so-called War On Terror is what's on the mind of most Americans. I'll refrain from speculating WHY that is, considering the state of our own country - but that's the situation right now. America demands an answer, and if I come out and say "I don't fucking HAVE one, genius" then I might as well pack my bags and go home."

"So here's what I'm going to say: Once I take office, I'm going to do my god-damnedest to shovel away some of this deep shit we're in. Once the necessary resources and intelligence are no longer denied to me, I'll sit down and get to work on finding out if a workable pan is even still possible - there's NO way of knowing that at this very second. Once that's established, THEN I'll actually be able to start trying to put one together. This is the best I can do folks, it's the best anyone could do given the current situation. You don't believe me, give it a shot yourself. Oh I know all you armchair quarterbacks have your own little three-day plans of action, but remember just WHO made the mess we're trying to clean up and think if you really believe they'll have left it that easy."

"I'm going to be straight with you. You're all grownups, so it's time to face some unpleasant reality.

"Our country is fucked. Period. Domestic policy, foreign policy, economy, health care, education, you name it and it's fucked. Even better, there's some pretty damn untouchable assholes running the country that want it to stay fucked and plan on making sure it does."

"You want to know my position? Here you go. I give you my solemn promise I'm going to try to get America unfucked. That's all you're going to get from me, because I'm a realist and I see every land mine, booby trap, and waist deep pile of shit that lies on this road ahead of me. Sure, I could lie to you and tell you that everything is going to be perfectly peachy keen by New Year's Day, but I know better. I have a bit more respect for your intelligence than certain people you may be used to dealing with."

"So again. I give you my solemn promise I'm going to try to get our country as unfucked as I can in the scant eight years I will be in office. My single best shot, that's all you people get. If that's not enough, remember that my opponent will under NO circumstances be giving you that shot anytime soon."

"Thank you and goodnight."