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Things you have to believe to be a Republican today: > > 1. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a > bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy > when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when > Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. > > 2. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country > is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is > vital to a spirit of international harmony. > > 3. The United States should get out of the > United Nations, and our highest national priority is > enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. > > 4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions > about her own body, but multi-national corporations > can make decisions affecting all mankind without > regulation. > > 5. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of > homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. > > 6. The best way to improve military morale is > to praise the troops in speeches while slashing > veterans' benefits and combat pay. > > 7. If condoms are kept out of schools, > adolescents won't have sex. > > 8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle > our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation > and money. > > 9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound > policy. Providing health care to all Americans is > socialism. > > 10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best > interests of the public at heart. > > 11. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer > are junk science, but creationism should be taught in > schools. > > 12. A president lying about an extramarital > affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to > enlist support for a war in which thousands die is > solid defense policy. > > 13. Government should limit itself to the powers > named in the Constitution, which include banning gay > marriages and censoring the Internet. > > 14. The public has a right to know about > Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's drunk > driving record is none of our business. > > 15. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a > crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then > it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your > recovery. > > 16. You support states' rights, which means > Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what > local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt. > > 17. What Bill Clinton did in his private life in > the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush > did in his professional and political life in the '80s > is irrelevant. > > 18. John Kerry, after enlisting to fight in > Vietnam, earning multiple medals for heroism and > leadership, returns home to lobby against the war > after his experiences, is "unfit" to be > Commander-in-Chief, but George Bush getting into the > Texas Air National Guard through his daddy's influence > and then repeatedly fails to report for duty because > he'd rather get drunk and high is "better able to > defend America." > > 19. Social Security, Medicare, Unemployment > Insurance, Welfare, even public education are all > dangerous socialism, but corporate welfare, bailing > out companies (Chrysler, the airlines, etc.), farm > subsidies, allowing off-shore incorporation to avoid > taxes are all free market policies. > > 20. Government should not interfere with the > business, commercial, environmental welfare of the > nation, but should control and regulate citizen's > personal affairs.
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