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truck, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bitten and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Compassionate Conservative around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer ," says Bush*.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven.
Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven,"
replied Bush*.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf
course;the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse.
Standing in front of it is Strum Thurmond, and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years. The whole of the "Right" was there, everyone laughing, happy and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times
they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush* with a frosty drink, "Have a
Margarita and relax, George!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Bush*,
dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not
worry,and it just gets better from there!
Bush takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks
is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the NAFTA and Free Trade promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it,it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush* steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter
is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man
says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush* is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about
things other than money, and treat each other decently.
Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country
clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Bush*, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish
hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he
says uncomfortably to himself. "Whoah...Billy Graham never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day
in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for
eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Bush*
reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this-- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down,all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and
chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Bush* and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I...uh...mmmm...d d d... don't understand," stammers a shocked Bush*, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar,drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us.
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