Repub National Convention Schedule

[Lex]

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE

> 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
> 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
> 6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
> 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
> 6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment
> 7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
> 7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
> 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, It's What's for Dinner
> 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
> 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
> 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children
> 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
> 8:50 PM Seminar #2 Corporations: The government of the future
> 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
> 9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
> 9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
> 9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
> 10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
> 10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak Made Easy
> 10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
> 10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
> 10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt
> 10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
> 10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
> 10:50 PM Seminar #3 Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
> 11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Piñata
> 11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft, Evolutionists: The Dangerous New Cult
> 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
> 11:35 PM Blame Clinton
> 11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
> 11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
> 12: 00PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord