Arnold Rides In With His Own Brand Of Machine

[WEagle]

http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0333/musto2.php

Turning on late-night talk TV these days has become an explosive experiment in fright. Flicking the channels, I'm terrified I'll catch Ashton Kutcher announcing his candidacy for president on "Jimmy Kimmel Live," or maybe the Olsen twins using the "Teen Choice Awards" as a platform to declare that they want to be joint Secretaries of Defense. Naturally, this terror state was prompted by Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Tonight Show" announcement that he's running for California governor—a thrilling moment for pop-culture vultures who get off on any kind of high-profile career move, but one that sent some serious political observers into apoplectic fits of cynicism.



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Even as an actor, the guy has no experience! What's more, he seems to be exploitatively stepping into a volatile, Wild West situation where any crackpot with a handful of votes can take the booby prize. And besides, he still has a really thick accent. (Yes, some desperate commentators were actually bringing that up last week, though they should probably focus more on the content than the delivery—and remember, our president says "nucular.")

Maybe scariest of all, Arnold doesn't seem nearly as undistinguished as some of the other choices—a veritable who's-who of "Who cares?" In fact, he's running against so many "Hollywood Squares" types (alongside the occasional earnest candidate, like Lieutenant Governor Cruz M. Bustamante) that it seems like the main prerequisite for getting your name on this ballot is having been the subject of an "E! True Hollywood Story." With omnipresent author Arianna Huffington (if not her gay ex-husband), First Amendment-sleaze-hero Larry Flynt, wacky "comedian" Gallagher, a porn star with even bigger boobs than Arnold's, and whatever-happened-to Gary Coleman all clogging the bill, the running man is starting to seem more credible by the minute. ("Consider that a divorce" trumps "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" in trash-culture resonance any time.)

Even perennial victim Ann Coulter had to admit on the Fox News Channel that since she was ready to cede Gray Davis's California back to Mexico anyway, maybe Arnie isn't so rotten an option, despite the fact that he's such a moderate Republican he could almost pass for a conservative Democrat. But whoa nelly, let's not get carried away by all the glitz and pecs that easily. How can a man who can't even put out a movie I'd watch on a circling plane hope to rule our fourth most important state? (I'm partial to Vermont and Hawaii these days.) I guess because it happens to be the state with the most swimming pools, dark glasses, and tit implants. Besides, when they're confronted with fiscal disaster and managerial chaos, people—the same ones who are wildly cheering at Kobe Bryant's public appearances—are so blinded by fame, wealth, and charisma that they're willing to write off potential shortcomings and coo, "Show us the way, Mr. Celebrity."

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