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well, as you can tell - we improvised a lot and jettisoned some things...
--
STOCK FOOTAGE TITLE: United States Government Presents...
VOICEOVER:
TORTURE - tool, technique, and good friend.
INT. MILITARY OFFICE. ABU D'UBYA PRISON - DAY
Cheap map/flag/globe decor, marching band music out an open window background sound... The Colonel appears at a desk, blatantly reading from a script. Badly.
COLONEL:
Hello. I'm Colonel Bob Braggart. Today, I've been instructed by Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz to deliver to you a series of informative sentences on... well, torture.
it suddenly cuts to strange footage of Rumsfeld.
RUMSFELD:
My goodness - I did not or may have done what you implied I did in some sense, but in certain cases the premise of your statement isn't factual, and I will refuse to address the implications you may be raising, regardless.
and back on over to the office...
COLONEL:
Torture... what is it?
PRVT:
I dunno if I want to find out!
COL:
You sure don't! Torture, properly applied - can be painful, lasting, and very unpleasant.
PRVT:
Gee, maybe I should do it to someone else - it would be a great way to blow off some steam.
COL:
Sure is, Private Drivel. But first - you need someone to torture.
PRVT:
Will any one do?
COL:
Its best to get an evildoer... and in a pinch, a wrongdoer.
PRVT:
But how can I tell?
COL:
By their beards, of course.
That's suspicious enough to warrant relentless,
excruciating interrogation.
PRVT:
What's interrogation?
COL:
Didn't they teach you anything at Brookdale Community College?
Interrogation is... well, its wonderful.
PRVT:
But why?
COL:
Interrogation is a process,
a funderful process that involves extracting information
from those that may be a little... unwilling.
PRVT:
Wha?
COL:
It means you get to put broomsticks in people's asses, Private.
PRVT:
Now that I know about - I was in Skull and Bones!
COL:
You may, but its best to leave sodomy to civilian contractors.
CONTRACTOR:
Yeah, I'm not accountables. I got undeniable deniability.
COL:
He makes about 4000 times more money than you do, Private.
CON:
I got enough money for all the orange & cream soda in the world.
PRVT:
I'm jealous!
COL:
Don't worry, you get to take pictures of the sodomy.
PRVT:
But I don't have a camera!
COL:
You do now - thanks to Uncle Sam.
PRVT:
Uncle Sam is Uncle GREAT!
CON:
You said it. We can do anything as long as we gotta flag to hide behind.
PVT:
What do you mean, 'anything'?
CONTRACTOR:
I mean pain inna danger zone. Ya gotta know your danger zones, these are points for maximum pain. Eyes. Hands. Mouf. Teef. Brain.
(points at respective part with pointer.)
CONTRACTOR:
Hootum. Hootum. Hootum... the hood is good...
I like to fill the hood with scorpions, so they go in the mouth.
These techniques were culled from elite german fighting forces.
PRVT:
Which force was that?
CONTRACTOR:
Uh... not the one you're thinking of.
Anyway, now that he can't see you -
you soften him up, like hamburg meat.
he starts punching.
CONTRACTOR:
Been a long time since my fist has tasted flesh.
Like 2 days...
PVT:
I aint never punched a guy!
CONTRACTOR:
I remember when I first punched
a guy - I remember it real good.
I was 12. I remember when I first punched
a guy and got paid for it - last week.
I'll never go back.
COL:
Using training pioneered at the Institute of Advanced Intimidation and embelished by shady intelligence services the world over,
you'll soon be able to make a grown man cry in minutes!
CONTRACTOR:
Seconds, if you know whatcha doin. With their assholes.
I got two words for youse: BROKEN GLASS.
COL:
Now enough about anal interrogation - for now. Here's a film that may help explain things.
(COLONEL pulls out 16mm projector as the PRIVATE settles down to watch and the CONTRACTOR pulls out a torture pic and starts implying masturbation.)
ANIMATED goofy cartoon tools stroll in with upbeat music on the film.
TITLE:
The Tools of Torture!
VO:
Know them, feel them, make them an extension of your very body.
Through the history of torture, mankind has perfected instruments
of evil so rancid, we can't begin to cover them all. Nonetheless -
here are a few.
(the following VO bits are accompanied by stills, torture sequences, etc. A poorly bearded man is brought out and suffers endless humiliation.)
HOODS!
Hoods keep things impersonal, hoods help humiliate. Hoods suffocate - hoods illuminate.
But not nearly as well as a...
HEAVY FLASHLIGHT!
Insert in any orifice, shine in blind eyes that have been kept in darkened boxes for weeks on end.
Heavy enough to hurt like hell, phallic enough to ring any sadist's bell. Don't forget to break them open and drip the acidic chemicals onto naked flesh!
ELECTRICAL IMPLEMENTS!
You can imply it or fry it, but nothing smells better than burnt testicles at 2am in some hellhole
prison... afterwards, relax with a round of rooftop golf, knowing electricity did the job - so you don't have to!
DOGS!
Let them loose on tender flesh, makes Muslims feel extra unclean, too - but that's just a fringe benefit compared to the fear of genital mutilation!
But in the end, the ultimate tool of torture is the willingness to ignore human rights in pursuit of brutality. The ultimate tool of torture... is you! Your fists can be your most efficient implements in the quest for ultimately useless information.
(shots of monkey-bush pointing at genitalia, /w cigarette)
Always follow INTERROGATION RULES OF ENGAGEMENT,
General Miller's special blend of herbs and humiliations...
Always be prepared to carry out any order -
the weakest link in the chain of command
is soon set out to dry... if you don't join
in the reindeer games, you'll find yourself
utterly ostracized... that's because teamwork
and can-do spirit trumps independent thought ANY DAY!
That's the Don Rumsfeld way, hurray!
But for today, let us keep in mind... each and every one of our...
TOOLS OF TORTURE!
(film burns.)
PVT:
Bu... but what if I get caught?
COL:
Then we'll scapegoat you and hang you to dry.
PVT:
But you told me to!
COL:
Private, that didn't work in Nuremburg -
but it will work now. At ease, because
you'll be on easy street... a year or two
at most, but is that really much of a price
to pay for beating a man to death?
CONTRACTOR:
Sure, its against the Geneva convention - but when has that stopped us?
fuck you, Switzerland! When was the last time the Swiss won a war?
PVT:
I aint never been to Geneva!
CONTRACTOR:
Don't bother getting a passport, cuz you're a war criminal from now on -
just like me.
PVT:
But how do you sleep at night?
CONTRACTOR:
I just think of 9/11 - and how it had nothin' to do with it -
lets face it, I just like hurtin' people. Remember the Alamo!
We got their hearts and minds alright... in jars. (or nailed to a board.)
PVT:
God Bless America...
CON:
God Bless Money...
COL:
God Bless plausible deniability...
RUMSFELD:
I take full responsibility - and my goodness, do I love every minute of it!
ALL:
Amen!
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