Breaking: Bush Declares War (satire)

[orwell]

On edit: Mods wanted me to add satire to the subject line. What does it say about the Bush Regime when you have to label this as a parody...

Washington DC. April 24. 2004:

President Bush declared war on Senator John Kerry this morning from a top secret location next to President Cheney's top secret location.

"We have been monitoring his traitorous statements against my government and have decided that he is against us. Now I warned everyone that if you ain't with us, there will be hell to pay. I have asked General Myers to draw up an attack plan against Kerry headquarters and have dispatched what is left of the 101st airborne to smoke him out of his cave. My government won't rest until everyone of those treasonous Kerry supporters are rounded up and sent to Guantanamo to await persecution by General Ashcroft."

"Uh...that's prosecution Mr. President," intoned an ashen faced President Cheney, his hand clutching himself in still another undisclosed location.

"Whatever Dick. Get with the program. We have cleared all of this with Vice President Bandar and have assurances from the House of Saud that gas for the fighters won't be a problem. We have also contacted all of the Democratic Leadership and put them on notice to get behind us in this effort, or face the consequences."

Reporters were stunned into silence by the President's tough talk. After being strip searched for weapons of mass destruction, they were led into the secure bunker by Ministry of Truth officials from CNN.

"I think he means it this time. The President doesn't fool around when it comes to killing people. If I were John Kerry, I'd cower under my bedsheets or fly to Fallujah where he would be much safer," said one anonymous reporter.

Tony Blair declined to comment whether or not Britain would join the War on Kerry, but MP's close to the feisty British Prime Minister thought that the incriminating photos of Tony at Mullah Omar's strip club were still in President Bush's private safe, along with the real Bush military records and all of the canceled checks from Harken Energy.

Democratic strategists were reportedly booking passages to parts unknown in an all out effort to avoid the coming saturation bombing. Fox News war correspondents had already taken position outside of James Carville's home. Geraldo Rivera was seen drawing a plan of attack on a local schoolyard hopscotch court.

We will release details as they become available. And now, back to your regularly scheduled propaganda...

O

[stopbush]

1. This belongs in the Lounge. n/t

[tjwash]

2. Oh, I thought he declared war on athletes foot.

nt

[hippiegranny]

3. or on the english language

or on common sense...