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The letter to the bank below is an actual letter
that was sent to a bank by a 80 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough
to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed
that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded,
faceless entity which your bank has
become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to
deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offense under the
Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
the number of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your
phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form
of flattery. Let me level the playing field
even further.
When you call me,
press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile
phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my
computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will
be; communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the
call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Lydia B. Hodgson
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