Southern Nevada Water Authority Claims Groundwater On Mars

[hatrack]

JOHNSON SPACE CENTER, HOUSTON--"NASA officials expressed shock and outrage today after learning that the Southern Nevada Water Authority has filed claims for every drop of groundwater on the planet Mars. "We don't know for sure how much water is even there, and already these Vegas hotshots have claimed it all for themselves," a NASA official grumbled. In Las Vegas, a spokesperson explained that the water authority was merely being prudent in filing the groundwater claims on the Red Planet. "If this drought continues into the 22nd century, we will need all of that Martian water so that Las Vegas can continue its explosive growth," the spokesperson said. "Otherwise, our economy could collapse and jobs would be lost."

Readers may scoff at this fictional scenario, but based on public statements already made by our water officials, a Martian water grab doesn't seem that far-fetched. What's more, we needn't worry about how to get the water from Mars to Southern Nevada, since Southern Nevada will almost certainly have to expand to Mars and beyond if we are to protect our robust local economy. Think not?

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Crafty water bosses have seen the anti-growth sentiment building for years now, and no wonder. Our collective quality of life has tanked over the past decade. Local residents are asked to use less and less water, while paying higher and higher water bills and taxes, not for our benefit, but so that more houses can be built to attract hordes of new residents. Our streets, roads, highways, schools, parks, hospitals and government services are all stretched to the breaking point because of growth, and who benefits? Has runaway growth made your life better? Things certainly are better for developers and casinos, but not so much for the rest of us.

That's why they really needed The Big Study. The latest one was released back in February. It predicted that even modest controls on growth could trigger "an economic catastrophe," including the loss of 1.3 million jobs and $148 billion in economic output. The study did not mention that controls on growth would also lead to spontaneous eruptions of fire and brimstone, attacks by flying dinosaurs, dogs sleeping with cats, IRS audits for everyone and the likelihood of our incineration by an alien Death Star, but we got the message.

Growth must continue at all costs. We must grow, grow like the wind, and it must continue like this forever."

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