Fame is fleeting – & so are your rights(J Caesar’s ltr to citizens/subjects re: chkpts) parody

[housewolf]

(Julius Caesar’s letter to the citizens/subjects regarding frontier checkpoints)

Salutations, esteemed fellow Romans!

I write you from Gaul, site of another of our many legions’ encampments around the world. The auguries tell me that there are growing objections, both in the Forum and Senate, to the system of searches upon travelers coming into our territories from barbarian regions along our expansive periphery, especially southern Arabia and Mesopotamia.

Securitas Republicae, a part of Rome’s government akin to our legions, has ordered these searches to better safeguard our freedoms from those who hate us for those freedoms. This, I’m sure you will agree, will improve the safety and wellbeing of the citizens of our Republic, ignorant and churlish and ungrateful though they be.

In recent weeks these security measures have been stepped up as barbarian threats have become more pronounced. Accordingly, at many checkpoints along the Rhine, Rhone, Danube, Jordan, Nile, Niger, Tigris, Euphrates, and Potomac we are requiring travelers to lift their togas or in some cases to allow one of my shorter legionaries to look up their togas – a procedure I have named the Veni Vidi.

In certain casi we will be performing the Circumspectus Caviti – again for your protection. Naturally my legionaries are well-trained professionals who wear protective leather gloves and bathe on a weekly basis.

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http://agonist.org/brian_downing/20101122/fame_is_fleeting_and_so_are_your_rights