2nd draft of my letter to the editor. Any better? I spelled principal right . Criticize away!

[stopschoolpaddling]

Dear Editor,
       There is something about Mountain View that shows it
has uniquely blended the valuable values of the past with the
progressive vision of the future.   Unfortunately, the public
schools seem to be missing from its agenda or at best are
lagging more than decade behind.

        As a community we all have a vested interest in
improving our schools. Not doing so is a huge mistake and the
children are the ones who will pay its price.   They already
are.  I read that school morale is low, why wouldn’t it be? 
Bad attitudes trickle down from superintendents, to
principals, to teachers, and lastly, to the children who are
sitting there wondering why school is such a drag. 

     All you have to do is visit any of our schools to see
that the magic is gone.  Teachers are tired and frustrated by
state and federal regulations that have all but silenced the
originality and enthusiasm they once possessed.

      Principals don’t even greet new students and parents on
their first day.  They run a tight ship, fearful that at any
moment chaos might break out and ruin it for them. 

      If you read the article in last week’s paper titled
“Superintendent Suspended” don’t you almost have to come up
with the conclusion that things are beyond out of control? 
Just how, for instance, does a superintendent receive an
unheard of 11.7% raise one month and in the next breath get
suspended?  Why are we given the lame excuses that school
morale and his lack of friendly PR may be to blame? 
 
     Come on now, any moron can figure out that we are not
being told what really happened?  What was it and worse, why
do they think they can get away with not telling us?  What do
they take us for? Don’t they think it’s our business?  

       And why is a school board member publicly telling us
about his plans for vengeance?  That right there is down right
creepy and I don’t care what his reasons are.  That is not
good PR either.

     Get rid of the superintendent and any anyone else who is
not up for the job and for God’s sake get rid of corporal
punishment.  The days of trying to induce good behavior
through paddling are over.  Violence is violence no matter
what form it takes. 
 
     Look people it’s time to connect the dots in a way that
actually makes a picture worth looking at.  We need to raise
our standards and hire some people who can help us band
together to bring our schools up to date. 
 
      They say there is an advertisement for the
superintendent’s position, but what guidelines will we use for
finding the next one?

      This upheaval could very well be our opportunity to make
some real changes that actually benefit our children.  I would
encourage every parent to write letters demanding to be told
the truth and to attend the next board meeting.  There is
simply no excuse for our schools to be left behind when all
else around here is progressing at a rate that is truly
remarkable but if you don’t get involved to make your voices
heard then don’t complain when nothing happens. 
 
      On a positive note, Mountain View easily has the
capacity to make the necessary changes.  It is chock full of
some of the most resourceful and compassionate people on the
planet.  How does an entire outlying community go two and even
three weeks without electricity in the dead of winter without
suffering even one casualty?   That right there should tell
you what this community is capable of.  
       What are we waiting for?  

   
       


-

[Cronus Protagonist]

1. I suggest not sending this out

I'd be embarrassed if it were mine.

[stopschoolpaddling]

2. Because of the way it is written or because of what it tries to say?

Or both?

[Cronus Protagonist]

3. It is indicative of a lack of education

And says more about the writer than what I can divine of the intent. By the way, morale has an "e".

[stopschoolpaddling]

4. Oh, okay, well that makes sense.

[timeforpeace]

5. It's perfect. Send it as is.

[stopschoolpaddling]

6. Are you messing with me or are you serious?

[Tutankhamun]

7. It needs a THESIS. It jumps around, trying to cover a bunch of different problems.

There are also some problems with the writing itself, but as a whole the letter has no real focus. Is it about paddling? The superintendent? What are you implying about the last superintendent, anyway? Is it about low morale among teachers? Students? What did you mean when you asked about that board member and his plans for vengeance? You ask parents to write letters demanding the truth about what?

You seem to have condensed ideas for many different letters into one. Instead of writing one letter that mentions a whole list of seemingly unrelated problems with the school, you should PICK ONE TOPIC AND STICK WITH IT. For example, school paddling could be the subject of a letter. The superintendent who you seem to distrust could be aother letter. You could write a letter on the regulations you mentioned that you say are not popular with teachers.

You may want to consider taking a writing class. Some instructor feedback could help you focus your writing and improve sentence structure, clarity, etc.

[GentryDixon]

8. It is over long, and could be improved upon.

I see you are new to this site, so I will tell you there many elitist snobs on this site.

I once got taken to task for not expressing my coffee. Go figure. The internet allows people to be what they want to be, not necessarily what they are, so don't take everything to heart when someone tries to shame you.

Be precise and articulate. Define the problem, then offer a solution. Make sure you get the point across without be overly verbose. The attention span of most does not allow for your original LTTE.

By the way, welcome. :hi:

[struggle4progress]

9. Cut it to 200 words -- or better to 100

[stopschoolpaddling]

10. The last letter to the editor that was published here had over 800 wo

and I can't even begin to imagine what you guys would have thought about that one.

[Tutankhamun]

11. It could be interesting. What paper was it? Do you have a link?