Episode 23: Boning Up the Bible

[ThShifties]

Scene: T. Boone Pickens is in a skybox at the Xcel Center in St. Paul, which is hosting the Republican Convention. He is to meet with Senator McCain. Pickens is perusing a set of campaign photos. He calls to his assistant.

Pickens: Gimme an opinion on this here picture, Lloyd. Is John starin’ at her tits?

Assistant: Appears he is, sir.

Pickens: Good for him. First real thing I seen him do in a month.

Assistant: Steve Schmidt does have him pretty well scripted.

Pickens: Has to. Otherwise John-boy’s got them $600 dollar loafers betwixt his teeth.

Assistant: Mr. Schmidt does seem a bit tense.

Pickens: His butt’s tighter’n the pressure seal on a fire hose. Where is McCain, anyway? He’s late.

Assistant: Actually, he’s not due for another half-hour, sir.

Pickens: That’s too late if you’re beggin’ for cash, boy. You watch, he’ll be here in the next five minutes.

Assistant: Do you think the media is being fair to Mrs. Palin, sir? They’re asking a lot of questions.

Pickens: They’d question Mitt or Tommy Ridge. Or Kay Hutchinson. The difference is, those folks would have answers. Palin’s just playin’ dodgeball.

There’s a knock at the skybox door. The assistant shows in Senator McCain and Governor Palin.

Senator McCain: Boone, I want you to meet the next vice president of the United States.

Pickens: Startled Where?

McCain: Right here, of course.

Pickens: Oh. My bad. Have a seat. Lloyd’ll get you a drink.

McCain: Make mine a G&T. Bombay Sapphire, if you have it.

Palin: I’ll have a Diet Coke.

Assistant: Coming right up.

McCain: I thought you might like to get to know Sarah better, Boone. There’s been a lot of garbage in the press lately. She can give you the straight story. On her daughter, on her family life, on her time as governor.

Pickens: Not interested, John. I just want to know if she really believes that horseshit about the Earth bein’ six thousand years old.

Palin: I believe in the literal Word of God, as found in His Holy Bible.

Pickens: That’d be a yes, then. Right?

Palin: The Bible is pretty unequivocal on that topic. The Garden, the Fall, the Flood… It’s all there.

McCain: Is that an issue, Boone?

Pickens: Yep. See, I’m in the energy bidness. I got to work with a lot of scientists. You tell your average geologist that the Earth is a few thousand years old -- well, let’s just say he’s lookin’ around for the commitment papers. Sure, you’re a Governor, or a President, they might be too polite to laugh in your face. But I’m out there startin’ new ventures that depend on talented folks to make’em go. I can’t be talkin’ Bible School hokum to them fellas and expect them to work for me. You follow?

Palin: I don’t accept that it’s hokum.

Pickens: Sure it is. Take my word for it. On this point, I’m a lot more reliable than the Bible. Lloyd, another round over here. And slip a little rum in the lady’s. She looks like she’s gonna need it.

Palin: Could you please make it a double?

Pickens: Now, let’s move on to that asshole Noah…