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By Kevin J. Shay
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Rep. Marilyn Musgrave, author of the Federal Marriage Amendment, plans to introduce companion legislation in Congress called the Federal Right-Handed Amendment in the near future.
"For too long, honest Americans have let left-handed people run roughshod over the majority, the right-thinking, right-handed Americans," said Musgrave, a Colorado Republican. "For instance, many of our public schools have been forced to waste precious funds on special left-handed desks. And left-handed people are always trying to trick us in baseball by batting from the wrong side of the plate."
Furthermore, the Bible itself contains more than 100 favorable references to the right hand and more than 20 unfavorable references to the left hand, Musgrave added. "Everyone knows that the left side is evil and the side of the Devil, while the right side is blessed by God and Jesus Christ," she said. "It's time we put an end to coddling these wicked left-handers."
The amendment would ban federal benefits such as Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare to Americans who "write, eat, bat, or do any major activity" with their left hand. People who are seen in public violating the law could also face arrest and up to a $10,000 fine and six months in prison.
Policing the alleged illicit activity would be up to local authorities, Musgrave said. "We want to leave some leeway," she said. "If a person has lost his or her right arm and can only eat with the left arm, that might be acceptable. After all, we want to be compassionate while still being conservative. But this is a nation that was founded on sound, right-handed principles by right-handed leaders, and we need to secure those principles or we will surely lose them."
When told that Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Sam Adams, among others, were left-handed, Musgrave snapped, "You must be left-handed yourself. It takes one to know one."
The amendment could violate federal equal protection laws that are already on the books, said Joe "Lefty" Hoodwinkle, president of the Washington, D.C.-based American Left-Handed Alliance.
"To use the Constitution to discriminate against a minority of Americans is antithetical to the foundations and beliefs of our Republic," Hoodwinkle said. "The Constitution has historically increased freedom and equality. This amendment would put discrimination back into our Constitution. It's part of the vast, right-wing conspiracy gone amok that the Clintons always warned us about."
Musgrave said that her bill has 110 co-sponsors on Capitol Hill, including some "former left-handed colleagues who have chosen to correct the errors of their pasts." One of them, Maine Republican Sen. Olympia Snowe, said she underwent a 12-step program sponsored by the Washington, D.C.-based American Freedom Foundation to "eradicate my left-handed addiction."
"I admit I made some poor choices in my past," Snowe said. "I learned that, contrary to what they teach in most medical schools, my being left-handed was not due to genetics. I chose to write with my left hand in my youth just to rebel against my parents and society in general. And I have to tell my parents and society, 'I'm sorry for the harm I caused. I have seen the light.'"
While left-handed people only comprise about 11 percent of Americans, the group has some political clout, Hoodwinkle said. "We are already lobbying former President Clinton and other prominent left-handers for their support," he said.
Asked if he still believed that being left-handed was primarily due to genetics, Hoodwinkle sneered, "With all the right-handed bigots out there harassing us, beating us up, discriminating against us, meeting in their churches to dream up campaigns against us, praying that we die horrible deaths, and targeting us with unfair laws, do you really think we would choose to be left-handed? We may be left-handed, but we're not stupid."
President Bush, a life-long right-hander, said he was "furiositily" studying the issue between his video-game sessions and powwows to think up funny nicknames for foreign leaders he meets.
"I always thought there was some weird, strategicarical reason why Poppy threw a baseball with his left hand," Bush said. "Now, it may have been that the liberals who taught Poppy in school forced him to be that way. Maybe we should hunt those liberals down like al Qaeda and try them for treason."
According to a recent ABC News/Washington Post poll, 58 percent of Americans opposed a Constitutional amendment making it illegal to be left-handed. Some 30 percent supported the measure, while 10 percent were undecided and 2 percent "just don't care."
But a recent Fox News/Washington Times poll found that 110 percent of Americans supported the amendment and minus-10 percent opposed it. The "just don't care" option was not allowed in that poll, leading some experts to question its scientific validity.
Deion Jones, 38, a right-handed, Arlington, Va., sanitation engineer, said he usually only uses his right hand to throw trash in the garbage trucks, anyway.
"A few of the guys use their left hands, as well, to chunk the bags," Jones said. "I'm a tolerant dude, man. I don't mind working alongside those people, just as long as they don't try to convert me over to their side, y'know what I'm saying?"
Clayton Frazier, 44, a left-handed Arlington sanitation engineer, said he would be lobbying his Congress representatives to vote against the proposed amendment.
"It's just pathetic that with so many problems these days - things like terrorism, the Iraqi disaster, the poor economy, 44 million Americans without health insurance, homelessness and poverty rising - that certain Republican leaders think the most important thing they can do is to stop left-handed people from doing what comes naturally," Frazier said. "I don't plan to stop using my left hand - I don't care how many laws they pass."
"You going to wind up in the Big House," laughed Jones, punching Frazier in his left arm. "And you know what they say: Everyone's left-handed in prison, whether they start that way or not."
Kevin J. Shay is a Washington, D.C.-area writer. He is left-handed himself and does not plan to stop using his left hand. He can be contacted at kevinjshay@justice.com.
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