The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 333

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 333

Edited on Sun Apr-20-08 11:45 PM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 333

April 21, 2008
Dazed And Confused Edition

This week John McCain (1,2,3) grabs the top three spots thanks to a new economic plan and a senior moment on Iraq. Elsewhere, George Stephanopoulos (4) gets his cues from Sean Hannity, George W. Bush (6) hangs with the Pope, and Alan Keyes (8) quits the Republican party. Don't forget the key!

John McCain

Stop the presses! John McCain has an http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/16/us/politics/16mccain.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin">economic plan, and, well, wow, it's just great. You know how George W. Bush drove the American economy directly into a ditch and then jumped out and watched it burst into flames with everyone trapped inside? Don't fret, because John McCain is here to save the day!

Some highlights from McCain's plan:

Extend George W. Bush's excellent "Tax Cuts For Multi-Millionaires" program.

Decrease taxes on big corporations.

Mention to big corporations that it would be really great if they could perhaps think about being a bit more responsible.

Freeze domestic spending. (Because clearly this country is spending far too much money on health care and child care and education.)

Stay in Iraq for another 100 years.

I know what you're thinking - isn't this plan just like what George W. Bush is already doing, only somehow even more misguided and unfair to the average Joe? Well yes, that may be true, but think about this logically. How are we ever going to be able to continue to afford to spend http://www.nationalpriorities.org/costofwar_home">$340 million dollars a day in Iraq if we don't crack down on free school lunches and cheap prescription drugs for the elderly?

John McCain

There is one really great idea in McCain's economic plan though: he wants to eliminate the federal gas tax for three months during the summer. That should play well in Peoria.

So how much will Americans save during this period? http://blog.wired.com/cars/2008/04/mccains-gas-tax.html">According to Wired:

The national average for a gallon of gas is $3.38, and it could hit $3.50 or even $4 before long. Cutting the cost by 18 cents amounts to a 5 percent reduction. The Arizona Republic - McCain's hometown paper - says the average Phoenix commuter will save $23 under McCain's proposal. The American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials says the average American will save $28.

Wow. $28 huh? Thanks, Sen. McCain.

But wait, there's more!

The tax supports the federal Highway Trust Fund, which finances road projects nationwide and is already facing a $3.4 billion shortfall, the American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials says. The American Society of Civil Engineers says every dollar invested in highway infrastructure generates $5.40 in economic benefits through reduced delays, improved safety and lower vehicle operating costs. And the federal transportation department says every $1 billion in highway spending creates 34,779 jobs.

So if you do the math (thanks Wired!) McCain's proposal could end up costing $9 billion dollars and more than 300,000 jobs - all to save the average American just over 31 cents a day for three months.

Gosh, I hope his other plans are as good as this one.

John McCain

As you can probably tell, John McCain is quite confused. But don't take my word for it - take the http://www.armytimes.com/news/2008/04/military_mccain_petraeus_041408w/">word of the Army Times:

McCain reveals confusion over Petraeus role

Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain of Arizona may not have been paying the closest of attention last week during hearings on the Bush administration's Iraq policy.

Speaking Monday at the annual meeting of the Associated Press, McCain was asked whether he, if elected, would shift combat troops from Iraq to Afghanistan to intensify the search for al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden.

"I would not do that unless Gen. (David) Petraeus said that he felt that the situation called for that," McCain said, referring to the top U.S. commander in Iraq.

Bzzt! Sorry, you lose. Thanks for playing. As everybody knows, Petraeus's sole responsibility is the multi-national force in Iraq - he has nothing to do with Afghanistan whatsoever.

And since Petraeus explicitly spelled that out at the hearings, and McCain was sitting right there in the room when it happened, and McCain is apparently running for president based on his supposed national security experience, you'd think he might have known that too.

But let's be fair to McCain. He was probably too busy wondering where he left his slippers, while simultaneously fantasizing about the nice warm bowl of soup he was going to have for lunch.

George Stephanopoulos

Last week the 21st and final Democratic debate took place in Pennsylvania, giving ABC's George Stephanopoulos and Charles Gibson a perfect opportunity to grill the candidates on the bread-and-butter issues that Americans really care about. After a fluff first question about whether the candidates would run together on a dream ticket, it was time to get right to the http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/DemocraticDebate/story?id=4670271&page=1">important stuff. Allow me to paraphrase.

Senator Obama, you said that the working poor are bitter about their economic situation. OMG, that is so patronizing!

Do either of you really think you can beat John McCain in November?

Senator Obama, despite Rev. Wright's service as a Marine and his three presidential commendations, it's pretty obvious that your former pastor hates America. Why do you hate America?

No, really, what have you got against America?

Senator Clinton, according to our poll, people think you're a liar. Why are you such a liar?

Senator Obama, you're not wearing a flag pin. I'll ask again, what is your problem with America? And why do you hang out with terrorists?

And so on for almost an hour. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/17/AR2008041700013_pf.html">Great stuff, guys.

But in case you were wondering where George Stephanopoulos was getting his questions from, look no further than Sean Hannity. The week before the debate, Stephanopoulos appeared on Hannity's radio show where the http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/17/steph-hannity-audio/">following exchange took place:

HANNITY: There are two questions that I don't think anybody has asked Barack Obama, and I don't know if this is going to be on your list tomorrow. One is - the only time he's ever been asked about his association with Bill Ayers, the unrepentant terrorist from the Weather Underground who on 9/11 of all days in the New York Times was saying "I don't regret setting bombs. I don't think we did enough." When asked about it by the Politico, David Axelrod said that they have a friendly relationship, and that they had done a number of speeches together and that they sat on a board together. Is that a question you might ask?

STEPHANOPOULOS: Well, I'm taking notes right now.

And lo and behold, here's George at the debate:

STEPHANOPOULOS: ...first a follow-up on this issue, general theme of patriotism, in your relationships. A gentleman named William Ayers. He was part of the Weather Underground in the 1970s. They bombed the Pentagon, the Capitol, and other buildings. He's never apologized for that.

And, in fact, on 9/11, he was quoted in the New York Times saying, "I don't regret setting bombs. I feel we didn't do enough." An early organizing meeting for your State Senate campaign was held at his house and your campaign has said you are "friendly."

Can you explain that relationship for the voters and explain to Democrats why it won't be a problem?

Great question, George! But perhaps if you'd done some actual research you would have discovered the answer to Hannity's question. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/04/18/politics/washingtonpost/main4026039.shtml">According to CBS:

In the 1960s, Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn saw themselves as urban guerrillas who just might be able to overthrow the U.S. government and force an end to the Vietnam War. They were members of the Weather Underground, a radical offshoot of the antiwar movement, who went into hiding for a decade after a bomb accidentally exploded, killing three members of the group.

Nearly 30 years after surrendering to police, Ayers and Dohrn, both in their 60s, are tenured university professors whose work on school reform and juvenile justice have won them bipartisan respect.

(snip)

In Chicago, however, Ayers is considered so mainstream that Daley issued a statement on Thursday praising him as a "distinguished professor of education" and a "valued member of the Chicago community."

(snip)

"It's kind of laughable for people who have worked with Bernadine and Bill in the most boring and mundane settings and recognize that they're absolutely upstanding establishment citizens today" said Lawrence C. Marshall, a Stanford University law professor. He recalled a juvenile justice project: "Judges who were lifelong ardent conservatives had no trouble recognizing that the work that Bernadine and Bill are now doing is completely divorced from anything in their background."

Note to George Stephanopoulos: if you're getting your material from Sean Hannity, you're doing this "journalism" thing all wrong.

Peter Doocy

Sean Hannity wasn't the only Fox News ringer to stick his nose in where it wasn't wanted last week. During an edition of MSNBC's Hardball College Tour featuring John McCain, http://www.wtop.com/?sid=1387432&nid=213">this happened:

A second student raised Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton's weekend visit to an Indiana bar, where she knocked back a shot of whiskey.

"I was wondering if you think that she's finally resorted to hitting the sauce just because of some unfavorable polling. And I was also wondering if you would care to join me for a shot after this?" the student asked.

Hoots and hollers came from the audience. McCain laughed, too.

Funnily enough, the student who asked the question turned out to be Peter Doocy, son of Fox News anchor Steve. And wouldn't you know it, Dad was http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/16/hitting-the-sauce-part-2/">proud as could be.

George W. Bush

The Pope's in town! The Pope's in town! Nothing like a good bit of Popin' to get George http://www.wkyc.com/news/national/news_article.aspx?storyid=87387">all jazzed up:

Pope Benedict the XVI was welcomed at the White House Wednesday with pomp and pageantry.

Both President Bush and Pope Benedict spoke during the ceremony attended by thousands.

Following the Pope's speech, President Bush offered his thanks and appreciation saying, "Thank you your Holiness. Awesome speech."

The president then roared, "Keep on chillaxin'!" before popping an ollie onto the podium rail and tailsliding all the way to his motorcade. It was, like, totally crunk.

Joe Lieberman

The Democrats are expected to make major gains in the Senate this year, and that could spell disaster for man-size douchebag Joe Lieberman.

The Senate is currently comprised of 49 Democrats, 49 Republicans, and two Independents. Both of those Independents - Bernie Sanders and Joe Lieberman - caucus with the Democrats. If Lieberman decided to caucus with the Republicans instead, Democrats would lose control of the Senate - and so being a Senate Democrat right now is a bit like being in that Twilight Zone episode where everyone has to be very careful what they say around the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It's_a_Good_Life_(The_Twilight_Zone)">fickle kid with omnipotent powers.

But if the Democrats do make gains as expected, it might not be so much fun to be Joe Lieberman any more. With a larger Democratic majority Lieberman would no longer hold a tie-breaking position and would be relegated to the position of grumpy powerless backbencher.

And so the man who just two years ago http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/07/07/AR2006070700029.html">insisted, "I want Democrats to be back in the majority in Washington and elect a Democratic president in 2008," has finally ceded total control to his massive ego and intends to go out in a blaze of glory. Not only has he already endorsed John McCain, he's now http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/lieberman-willing-to-star-at-republican-convention-2008-04-15.html">thinking about giving a keynote speech to the Republican National Convention.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.), the Democratic Party's 2000 vice presidential nominee, is leaving open the possibility of giving a keynote address on behalf of Sen. John McCain (Ariz.) at the Republican National Convention in September.

Republicans close to the McCain campaign say Lieberman's appearance at the convention, possibly before a national primetime audience, could help make the case that the presumptive GOP nominee has a record of crossing the aisle.

Crossing the aisle? Why would McCain need to cross the aisle to reach a guy who's sitting in his lap?

"If Sen. McCain, who I support so strongly, asked me to do it, if he thinks it will help him, I will," Lieberman said in a brief interview.

Lieberman would be following in the footsteps of Zell Miller, the former Democratic senator who turned himself into a national joke by making his famous http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_t_9d8L70U&feature=related">eye-popping, vein-bursting, "spitballs" speech at the 2004 Republican National Convention and then http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuBnlNjZq24">challenging Chris Matthews to a duel on live television.

One can only dream that Joe's final meltdown is equally spectacular, but don't get too excited. Given that he displays all the toughness of a wet sheep, it's probably not going to happen.

Alan Keyes

In September 2007, Alan Keyes announced that he was running for president (see Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/306">306). I guess that didn't go too well, because last week Alan announced that he was leaving the Republican Party for good. http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/2008-04-16-keyes_N.htm">According to USA Today:

"There are clear signs that our leaders no longer have an allegiance to the sovereign people of the United States," Keyes said.

"I kind of expected that on the Democrat side. .... And the Republicans are presumed to nominate somebody who is anti-Republican. It puts a lie to the label and puts me in a position where I must question my ability any longer to participate in a party that has departed from its own identity."

Alan then sniffed loudly, took a deep swig of MD 20/20, and pushed his can-filled shopping cart to the other side of the street.

Mitt Romney

Who? Oh yeah... that guy. The once and probably future GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney resurfaced last week at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner and, http://www.boston.com/news/politics/politicalintelligence/2008/04/romneys_top_10.html">according to the Boston Globe, "delivered a scoop to the Capitol Hill reporters gathered at an annual awards dinner tonight: The real reasons he dropped out."

No. 10: There weren't as many Osmonds as he thought.
No. 9: Got tired of the corkscrew landings of his campaign plane while under fire
No. 8: As a lifelong hunter, he didn't want to miss the start of varmint season.

You know what, screw that. The real reasons Mitt Romney dropped out are way funnier. Let's recap...

No. 10: Mitt discusses Osama bin Laden with the Associated Press. He says, "It's not worth moving heaven and earth spending billions of dollars just trying to catch one person." (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/289">289.)

No. 9: One of Mitt's closest aides, Jay Garrity, is forced to quit after it is revealed that he's under investigation for impersonating a police officer. It is also revealed that Garrity was arrested and fined for the same offense in 2004. (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/296">296.)

No. 8: Mitt tells the press that "I don't have lobbyists running my campaign." It turns out that lobbyists are running his campaign. (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/321">321.)

No. 7: Mitt does a photo-op with a group of black children and chants "Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?" (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/322">322.)

No. 6: Mitt is asked why his five military-aged sons haven't signed up yet. He responds, "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president." (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/303">303.)

No. 5: Mitt announces that he's going to get tough on illegal immigration. It is subsequently revealed that illegal immigrants have been mowing his lawn. (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/270">270.)

No. 4: Mitt says "I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." He later admits that he has been hunting only twice in the past 45 years. (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/286">286.)

No. 3: Mitt picks up the coveted Larry Craig endorsement. (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/311">311.)

No. 2: Mitt wants to demonstrate to the press that he's great at "emotion-free crisis management." He does this by describing how he once strapped his dog to the roof of the family car and drove until it shat itself. (See Idiots http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/297">297.)

And the number one reason that Mitt Romney dropped out of the race for president is...

No. 1: Er, all of the above.

John Bolton

And finally: Roll up! Roll up! Get the latest ridiculous excuse for the Iraq disaster here! Last week John Bolton, the maniacally-mustached former U.S. representative to the U.N., gave a lecture in Dallas during which he told the audience that "The war in Iraq lasted three weeks... We were completely victorious." As Pegasus News http://www.pegasusnews.com/news/2008/apr/18/john-bolton-dallas/">reported:

The audience seemed confused. He continued playing a game of semantics with the term "war" and the U.S.'s current effort to alleviate terrorism in the region. The largely favorable crowd then became fidgety when Bolton made the following statement:

"It's not because we didn't have a plan for what happened after Saddam was overthrown. We had too many plans. We had lots of ideas, no one of which prevailed; no one decision was made."

So there you have it. The occupation of Iraq wasn't a disaster because the administration had no plans for the post-invasion phase, it was a disaster because they had too many plans.

Presumably this is just like how they had too many plans to prevent 9/11, too many plans to manage the nation's economy, too many plans to end America's dependency on foreign oil, and too many plans to get food and water to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Yes, I'm sure that when historians look back at the Bush years they will all come to the same conclusion: Bush could have been a great president, if only he wasn't so well prepared.

See you next week!

-- EarlG