The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 330

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 330

Edited on Sun Mar-23-08 11:54 PM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 330

March 24, 2008
With Friends Like These Edition

This week John McCain (1,3) and Joe Lieberman (2,3) spend some quality time together, Tucker Carlson (4) and John Gibson (5) get the axe, and George W. Bush (6) celebrates the Iraq War's fifth anniversary. Don't forget the key!

John McCain

Thousands upon thousands of dead people and hundreds of billions of dollars later, a comprehensive Pentagon study has concluded that despite the Bush administration's repeated claims to the contrary, there were never any ties between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Oh well.

But Iraq is so 2003 - what about Al Qaeda's ties to Iran? During a jaunt through the Middle East last week, presidential hopeful John McCain boldly asserted that Iranians are "taking al-Qaeda into Iran, training them and sending them back."

Which is obviously completely wrong. As the Associated Press notes:

Iran is a predominantly Shiite Muslim country and has been at pains to close its borders to al-Qaida fighters of the rival Sunni sect.

But as John McCain has learned, if you want to bomb a country (and he does) then step one is to follow the Bush Administration playbook. Regardless of the facts or the evidence, simply claim that the country you want to bomb is in cahoots with Al Qaeda, et voila! Eat my JDAMs, brown people!

McCain is so desperate for war with Iran that he made the same false claim three times last week. On Monday 17th he called in to Hugh Hewitt's radio show and said, "As you know, there are Al Qaeda operatives that are taken back into Iran, given training as leaders, and they're moving back into Iraq."

Then, in Amman, Jordan, on March 18th, he told reporters that "It's common knowledge, and it's been reported in the media, that Al Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran."

Then, in a written press release on March 19th, he stated, "Al Qaeda and Shia extremists -- with support from external powers such as Iran -- are on the run but not defeated."

Yes, John McCain is catapulting the exact same propaganda that Bush used to drag us into the Iraq quagmire. And why not? It worked so well the first time.

Joe Lieberman

During a primary debate with Ned Lamont less than two years ago, Joe Lieberman said, "I want Democrats to be back in the majority in Washington and elect a Democratic president in 2008. This man and his supporters will frustrate and defeat our hopes of doing that."

Well thank goodness Joe wasn't deterred by his primary defeat and was able to pull out a victory in the general election! Here he is last week, doing his best to keep Democrats in the majority and elect a Democratic president in 2008:

Baghdad, March 17...

Amman, March 18...

Jerusalem, March 19...

London, March 20...

Paris, March 21...

Very cosy. But John McCain really should have let Lieberman in on his little scheme to conflate Al Qaeda with Iran, because Joe totally messed it up for him during a press conference last week:

Speaking to reporters in Amman, the Jordanian capital, McCain said he and two Senate colleagues traveling with him continue to be concerned about Iranian operatives "taking al-Qaeda into Iran, training them and sending them back."

Pressed to elaborate, McCain said it was "common knowledge and has been reported in the media that al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran, that's well known. And it's unfortunate." A few moments later, Sen. Joseph Lieberman, standing just behind McCain, stepped forward and whispered in the presidential candidate's ear.

Oops! It's quite possible that McCain would have gotten away with his "Al Qaeda is in Iran" nonsense if Joe hadn't decided to show off. Instead McCain had to grit his teeth and tell the assembled throng, "I am sorry, the Iranians are training extremists, not Al-Qaeda, not Al-Qaeda, I am sorry."

At least, that's what he said. What he was thinking was, Jesus Joe, you've totally blown it, you idiot. Shut... the... fuck... up...

Mind you, you'll note that McCain's March 19th press release conflating Iran with Al Qaeda came the day after Lieberman blew the scheme wide open, so don't expect McCain to change course on this one. After all, he is the appointed foreign policy expert media cariacature in this year's presidential race.

John McCain and Joe Lieberman

McCain demonstrated more of his foreign policy expertise last week when, during a stop in Israel, he told reporters that the Jewish holiday Purim is "their version of Halloween." So let's see. According to Wikipedia, Purim is...

...a Jewish holiday that commemorates the deliverance of the Jewish people of the ancient Persian Empire from Haman's plot to annihilate them, as recorded in the Biblical Book of Esther.

Meanwhile, Halloween...

...may have its origins in the ancient Celtic festival known as Samhain ... The festival of Samhain is a celebration of the end of the harvest season in Gaelic culture, and is sometimes erroneously regarded as the "Celtic New Year". Traditionally, the festival was a time used by the ancient pagans to take stock of supplies and slaughter livestock for winter store.

Hmm, close.

It's okay though, because it turns out that it wasn't McCain's fault. Once again, Joe Lieberman was quick to jump in front of the cameras and reveal that "it's my fault that I said to Senator McCain that this is the Israeli version of Halloween. It is in the sense because the kids dress up and it's a very happy holiday and actually it is in the sense that the sweets are very important of both holidays."

Sorry Joe - I know you thought that chasing John McCain across the Middle East trying to ram your nose up his butthole would put you in consideration for the vice-presidency, but I think you've made one too many mistakes on this recent trip. Which is a shame, because you guys look so great together...

Tucker Carlson

Last week Tucker Carlson was supposedly fired from his allegedly low-rated MSNBC show - but I don't buy it. After all, just because I can't reach for the remote control fast enough when Tucker's bloated man-child visage parks itself on my TV screen, it doesn't mean that he's not hugely popular with other segments of the population, for example, conservatives aged 55 and older who prefer MSNBC to Fox News. That's got to be a sizeable audience, right?

So that's why I don't believe that Tucker was really fired. In fact, I think there's only one possible reason why he would have left his awesome, awesome show, and that is...

Forget Joe Lieberman - Sen. McCain needs a solid conservative who can bring some vim and vigor to his crusty campaign, and Tucker Carlson is simply perfect.

I mean, come on. The guy has got "youth vote" written all over him.

John Gibson

Tucker Carlson wasn't the only useless sack of right-wing potatoes to lose his job last week - John Gibson of Fox News was also on the outs after his show "The Big Story" was cancelled. Oh no! Who's going to stand up and defend Christmas now?

I guess the liberal plot to ban the sacred Christian holiday really is worse than you thought!

Anyway, according to the New York Times:

John Gibson, the longtime host of "The Big Story," will continue to have a role on television, the network said, although it appears that his future for now lies mostly on radio.

That works. To be honest I think his face is more suited to radio anyway.

Dick Cheney

On July 4, 2001, Bill Hangley shook hands with George W. Bush and said, "Mr. President, I hope you only serve one term. I'm very disappointed in your work so far." Bush famously replied, "Who cares what you think?"

And so the story of the Bush Administration comes full circle. Last week Dick Cheney took part in an interview with ABC News, during which the following exchange took place:

Five years after the start of the war in Iraq, Vice President Dick Cheney offered a positive assessment of the current situation and called last year's troop surge a "major success."

"On the security front, I think there's a general consensus that we've made major progress, that the surge has worked. That's been a major success," Cheney told ABC News' Martha Raddatz during an exclusive interview in Oman.

When asked how that assessment comports with recent polls that show about two-thirds of Americans say the fight in Iraq is not worth it, Cheney replied, "So?"

You tell her, Dick. You're only the Vice President of the United States after all. Why should you care what the American people think?

"You can't be blown off course by polls," said Cheney, who is currently on a tour of the Middle East. "This president is very courageous and determined to go the course. There has been a huge fundamental change and transformation for the better. That's a huge accomplishment."

Hmm. When I think of Iraq I must admit that "major success" and "huge accomplishment" aren't exactly the first things that spring to mind. But let's be fair to Dick - after all, you can't be blown off course by freedom and democracy in your own country, not when you're busy trying to bomb it into some poor bastards halfway across the world.

George W. Bush

On March 19, 2003, the day he sent troops into Iraq, George W. Bush gave a speech to the world in which he spelled out his goal for the invasion:

Our nation enters this conflict reluctantly -- yet, our purpose is sure. The people of the United States and our friends and allies will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of mass murder. We will meet that threat now, with our Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard and Marines, so that we do not have to meet it later with armies of fire fighters and police and doctors on the streets of our cities.

In 2003, "our purpose" was to prevent Saddam Hussein from attacking America and its allies with weapons of mass destruction.

Last week, on March 19, 2008, George W. Bush gave another speech. Despite the fact that "our purpose" turned out to be based entirely on lies and propaganda, he was upbeat. "Removing Saddam Hussein from power was the right decision -- and this is a fight America can and must win," he said.

The rest of the speech was equally insane.

BUSH: Because we acted, Saddam Hussein no longer fills fields with the remains of innocent men, women and children. Because we acted, Saddam's torture chambers and rape rooms and children's prisons have been closed for good. Because we acted, Saddam's regime is no longer invading its neighbors or attacking them with chemical weapons and ballistic missiles. Because we acted, Saddam's regime is no longer paying the families of suicide bombers in the Holy Land. Because we acted, Saddam's regime is no longer shooting at American and British aircraft patrolling the no-fly zones and defying the will of the United Nations. Because we acted, the world is better and the United States of America is safer.

Wow, and just think - all it cost us was our dignity, our moral authority, our standing in the world, the lives of 4,000 troops, and more than half a trillion dollars.

So far.

The Pentagon

Of course the cost for many soldiers who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan has come in other forms - for example, many suffer from traumatic brain injury, which has become known as the "signature injury" of the Iraq war. Now, you might think that having sent these brave men and women into harm's way in the first place, the Bush Administration would want to do something for them when they return.

But you would be wrong. According to the Las Vegas Sun last week, "Pentagon officials have delayed giving troops returning from Iraq medical screenings for mild brain injuries."

Air Force Col. Kenneth Cox told USA Today that screenings for mild traumatic brain injury, which can be caused by exposure to bomb blasts, were put off for two years. Cox, the military's director of medical assessments, said the Pentagon was fearing a reoccurrence of Gulf War syndrome. Troops in the first Gulf War blamed their service for a number of vague symptoms, and the Pentagon wanted to avoid the costly process of testing soldiers.

So when war-profiteering contractors rip off the American taxpayer to the tune of millions upon millions of dollars, the folks at the Pentagon stand around scratching their balls with a dumbstruck "Huh-wuh?" expression on their faces. But when the health and safety of American veterans is in jeopardy, they can't slam the cash register closed fast enough. Funny how that works.

Karl Rove

Good news - Karl Rove has a plan to solve all of our problems in the Middle East! Appearing on Fox News last week, he told Bill O'Reilly that "This will be worth that if we win. If we win we will have dealt the enemy a huge blow in a battlefield they chose to confront us on."

So there you have it - all we have to do is "win" and everything will be fine. Actually, not just fine - better than fine. Check it out:

KARL: ...by winning, we will send a powerful message that the momentum is on our side.

And what happens when the momentum is on our side?

KARL: ...it will rally the Muslim world to us.

Excellent! And all we have to do is "win," you say? Great. I can't wait for the Muslim world to rally to our side - I bet the hundreds of thousands of people who have spent the past five years burying their family members will be the first ones there, throwing flowers at our feet as we march triumphantly through the Middle East.

And all we have to do is "win!"

Brilliant!

Bill O'Reilly

And finally, while we're on the subject of Bill O'Reilly, it seems that Media Matters is driving him ever closer to the edge. Poor Bill is apparently disgusted that someone has the gall to write down all the stupid crap he says and then make people aware of it, so last week he took aim at the organization during his radio show.

O'REILLY: ...these people at Media Matters -- these are the worst Americans in the country. There are no worse Americans than this. If I could, I would deport them. All right? ... if anybody can work that -- if Barack Obama can work that -- I'm voting for him. OK? Any of the presidential candidates who can deport those swine -- I'm voting for them.

Oh, just imagine what the world would be like if Bill O'Reilly were in charge. David Brock would be deported, sexual harrassment would be legal, and falafel would rain from the heavens.

Bill then went on to complain that he's tired of being accused of racism when in fact he should be regarded as a champion for racial equality. For example, in September last year he was so astonished to discover that visiting a Harlem restaurant was "like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun and there wasn't any kind of craziness at all" that he couldn't help but marvel at the fact during his TV show.

Now, some might think that those remarks were just a tad racist. But that's ridiculous! Here's Bill, explaining the situation in his own words last week:

O'REILLY: Now, I'm an idiot, because I do (discuss race). But I have to be honest. After I got accused of being a racist, when I went to up to Harlem to have dinner with Al Sharpton, when I was doing, as all of you know, a rant against racism, they turned it around, and nobody even listened to it, and they called me a racist.

Well... nobody ever said it was easy to stick up for something you believe in against overwhelming odds. Just ask the brave people who fought for equality during the era of the American Civil Rights Movement.

But I'm sure Bill isn't going to let this setback get him down. Right?

O'REILLY: After that, forget it. I'm not going to do that ever again.

Wow - his commitment to ending racism is truly breathtaking.

See you next week!

-- EarlG