The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 324

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 324

Edited on Mon Feb-11-08 11:09 AM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 324

February 11, 2008
Mitt Out Of Luck Edition

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This week Mitt Romney (1,2) takes his leave, while John McCain (3,4) comes on strong. Elsewhere, Ann Coulter (7) and Michael Savage (8) explain why Cody Hauer (10) is oppressed. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Mitt Romney

Another one bites the dust - this week it was Mitt Romney's turn to bow out of the GOP race, leaving Sen. John McCain as the clear front-runner. Farewell, you dog-abusing, Reagan-humping psycho. Care to end your campaign with one last giant flip-flop?

DATELINE: Tuesday February 5th 2008

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney pledged to fight all the way to the Republican nominating convention this summer if necessary, despite being overpowered by John McCain in Super Tuesday contests.

(snip)

"I think there's some people who thought it was all going to be done tonight, but it's not all done tonight. We're going to keep on battling," Romney said. "We're going to go all the way to the convention. We're going to win this thing and we're going to go to the White House."

DATELINE: Thursday February 7th 2008

Mitt Romney spent millions of his fortune trying to convince Republican conservatives that he was one of them, but because he never could, he suspended his campaign for the White House Thursday, effectively ending it.

(snip)

"If this were only about me, I'd go on. But it's never been only about me," Romney argued. "I entered this race because I love America, and because I love America, in this time of war, I feel I must now stand aside, for our party and for our country."

Steady on Mitt, you'll give yourself whiplash.

Mitt Romney

Romney announced he was stepping down at CPAC, the annual conservative convention held in Washington DC. And what better place to suspend his campaign, than a roomful of baying, brain-injured policy wonks who still think Karl Rove was a genius?

Mitt's remarks were certainly engineered perfectly to fit in with the overall atmosphere of gnawing fear mixed with desperate jingoism:

"If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."

Mitt Romney will never surrender! And on that note, he's quitting the race.

But for those of you who are shocked or concerned by Romney's ridiculous comments - don't be. Allow me to translate:

"We've fucked this country over and over again, and now we have no ideas, no plans, and no hope. The only thing we can do is keep on recycling the same stale soundbites that cost us the House and Senate in 2006, because we literally have nothing else left."

And that, my friends, is what Romney's strategy is really all about.

See, Mitt has spent millions of dollars of his own money on this presidential election, and his decision to drop out is basically a double-or-nothing gamble. He's taking that money and betting it all on the fact that John McCain will lose the 2008 election big time.

If you think the conservative base is angry now, wait till McCain's candidacy crashes and burns in November. Those guys will be furious. And who better to come riding over the hill on a white stallion than Mitt Romney, the conservative champion, the man who graciously stepped down for the good of the party, the candidate who should have been - we told you so.

If McCain gets crushed and we have a President Hillary Clinton or President Barack Obama next January, expect Mitt to be first in line for a shot at the Dems in four years time. By quitting now he gets to take the high road, cement his place as a conservative favorite, and make the case that it will be "his turn" in 2012. The base may have had initial doubts about him but after watching McCain move to the middle for the next ten months, they're going to convince themselves that Romney was the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Which is fine, because he'll get his ass kicked in 2012 too.

John McCain

John McCain was also at CPAC last week, although his experience was a little different from Romney's. Let's face it - the Republican presidential nominee shouldn't really have to spend his first day on the job brown-nosing a bunch of self-hating pricks in bowties, but that's the modern conservative movement for you.

"Maverick" McCain did his best though. Let's take a look at some of the greatest hits from his CPAC speech:

"I have, in many ways important to all of us, maintained the record of a conservative."

"I am proud to be a conservative.

"If a few of my positions have raised your concern that I have forgotten my political heritage, I want to assure you that I have not."

"My record in public office taken as a whole is the record of a mainstream conservative."

"If I am so fortunate as to be the Republican nominee for President, I will offer Americans, in what will be a very challenging and spirited contest, a clearly conservative approach to governing."

"I will stand on my convictions, my conservative convictions."

"I promise you, I intend to contest these issues on conservative grounds."

"I will seek the counsel of my fellow conservatives."

Oh, and let's not forget...

"I intend to win the war."

So there you have it folks - McCain's strategy for the upcoming election is pretty clear.

John McCain

In fact, the only difference between Bush and McCain is that conservatives think Bush is God and McCain is a douchebag. In the past couple of weeks, a panicked Rush Limbaugh has suggested that McCain is "going to get even with Republicans for defeating him in South Carolina in 2000," Laura Ingraham (in her own speech to CPAC), said "I do not think it is enough to say that you were a foot soldier in the Reagan revolution. I think the question is, what have you been doing for conservatism lately?" and Pat Buchanan predicted that "He will make Cheney look like Gandhi."

But those people are clearly nutjobs. What about his McCain's colleagues, past and present? Don't they have anything nice to say?

Sure they do! Why, just recently former senator Rick Santorum said, "As a conservative, I don't agree with McCain on many issues and I don't think he has the temperament and leadership ability to move the country in the right direction." And recently, Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS) had these warm words for McCain: "The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He is erratic. He is hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me."

Hmm. Still, at least it was worth frittering away all that self-respect by groveling to Christian conservatives, right?

In another sign that John McCain still has a lot of work ahead if he is to fully repair his breach with hardcore conservatives, James Dobson officially endorsed Mike Huckabee in a statement released this morning, reiterating his opposition to McCain's candidacy.

Fine. At least he can rely on Fox News to stick by him.

Aagh! Say it ain't so!

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush

Mitt Romney and John McCain may have been funny at CPAC, but they were just warming up for the real stars of the event: Comedian-In-Chief Dick Cheney, and Busho The Clown.

First, let's catch some of Dick's best gags. According to The Swamp:

Cheney, facing this convention for his last time as vice president, allowed that the Bush administration has but a year left - and President Bush will address the assembly on Friday.

"We're not going to waste a moment of it," Cheney told an adoring crowd here. "We're going to revitalize America's economy at a time of challenge, and we're going to stay on the offensive in the war on terror."

(snip)

"I have been proud to stand by him," said Cheney, citing decisions which Bush has made as president. "And would I support those same decisions today? You're damn right I would."

Hilarious!

Then it was on to the main attraction, the man himself, Our Great Leader George W. Bush.

According to CNN:

He thanked the conservative crowd for sticking with him like they did Reagan.

"You were with him all along. And over the past seven years, you've been with me. I appreciate your support," Bush said...

Wait for it...

... as the crowd responded with chants of "four more years."

Meanwhile, according to the Washington Post:

President Bush this morning gave his stamp of approval to the presumptive new leader of his party -- but he may not have been doing John McCain any favors.

"Listen, the stakes in November are high," Bush said. "This is an important election. Prosperity and peace are in the balance. So with confidence in our vision and faith in our values, let us go forward, fight for victory, and keep the White House in 2008."

Peace and prosperity are in the balance? Stop it, you're killing me!

"It was one ovation after another as Bush ran through red meat issues: making tax cuts permanent, extending the surveillance law, winning in Iraq, defeating terrorism, limiting stem cell research, upholding life, appointing conservative judges."

But a telling moment came when Bush was talking about people "swept up in a cycle of addiction, and crime, and hopelessness." Said Bush: "We know that people can change their behavior. Sometimes all it takes is the help of a loving soul -- somebody who puts their arm around a troubled person and says, I love you, can I help you."

Suddenly, as Gillman reported, a woman shouted out very loudly, "I love ya Dubya!"

Pure. Comedy. Gold.

Larry Liston

Meet Colorado state legislator Larry Liston (R-Naturally), who got into a spot of bother last week after making some rather unfortunate comments about teen pregnancy. According to the Boulder Daily Camera:

Wednesday, Liston, appearing at a GOP legislative caucus in Denver, said: "In my parents' day and age, (unmarried teen parents) were sent away, they were shunned, they were called what they are. There was at least a sense of shame.

"There's no sense of shame today," Liston continued, according to the The Gazette of Colorado Springs. "Society condones it. ... I think it's wrong. They're sluts. And I don't mean just the women. I mean the men, too."

Ooh! So close, he really almost thought he'd gotten away with that horrible statement by belatedly appending "I mean the men, too," but I'm afraid that if you actually think about that for more than two seconds, the argument falls apart. Is Liston suggesting that in his parents' day and age, unmarried fathers were sent away, shunned, and labeled as "sluts?" What planet did his parents live on, exactly?

Liston told The Gazette later he could have chosen his words better but believes many people feel the way he does.

He said he wanted to make the point that teens who can't afford to take care of children can have them anyway and expect the government to pay for it. He said that often traps the parents and their children in a cycle of poverty without enough education.

Aha, that makes sense. If parents and their children become trapped in a cycle of poverty and ignorance thus dooming their descendants to make the same mistake over and over again, then the solution is obvious - rather than provide them with better education which will help them to avoid that mistake, we simply wait for them to make the mistake and then call them sluts and "send them away" to have their babies forcibly adopted.

After all, it worked in the '50s, right? People shunned teen mothers back then - and lo and behold, the problem of teen pregnancy was solved, never to be seen again.

Or something.

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter has previously been a CPAC stalwart, giving incredibly popular speeches there in previous years which variously referred to Muslims as "ragheads" and John Edwards as a "faggot." So it was something of a shock this year when the organizers announced that she had been cut from the conference's list of speakers. It almost makes one wonder what a girl has to say to get invited to CPAC these days.

Now Ann Coulter may be a lot of things, but a quitter she is not. (Which, let's face it, is rather unfortunate.) She had no intention of giving up on the opportunity to spew some hatred in public, and so some of her supporters at the Young America's Foundation (one of CPAC's sponsors) decided to smuggle her into the conference by inviting her to speak at an unofficial Q&A session.

Hooray for the Young America's Foundation! Without their enthusiasm and resourcefulness, the know-nothings at CPAC would never have been treated to such gems as:

COULTER: ...the only Democrat who can stop her now is B. Hussein Obama. His strongest selling point is that he is one of the least dangerous people I know named Hussein. Other than that, Barack's really been kind of coasting on his record, since his first big accomplishment of being born half-black. I keep hearing people say, "Oh, Obama could never be elected because he's half-black. You know, 'cause we're just such a racist country." What are they talking about? He wouldn't be running for president if he weren't half-black. He'd be Dick Durbin with less experience.

Well done, Ann. It's about time someone stuck it to those lucky-duck half-blacks! They've been treading on our necks for far too long!

Michael Savage

Of course, if CPAC really wanted to reach out to the true conservative base, they'd have tapped Michael Savage to speak. This guy has a lot of great theories, and it's a shame that his radio show isn't heard by more people. They should give him a TV show or something.

What's that? They already did? Oh. Well never mind that now. Just take a listen to Michael's latest words of wisdom:

SAVAGE: Do you realize that this is, or can be seen as, the first affirmative action election in American history? Let me repeat that again. We have a woman and a multi-ethnic man running for office on the Democrat side. Is this not akin to an affirmative action election? Isn't that why the libs are hysterical, tripping over themselves to say amen and yes to this affirmative election vote? In many ways you could say this election is about the mandate called affirmative action, and I can predict right now they're gonna lose because when the American people themselves have been able to vote for or against affirmative action, as most recently they did on a ballot initiative in very liberal Michigan, they voted against affirmative action.

From your lips to Ann Coulter's ears, Michael! When are those uppity women and blacks going to learn that being president is a white man's job?

George W. Bush

Remember when George W. Bush told America that "Big government is not the answer?" Funny story...

It is not exactly a distinction that he had in mind, but seven years into his presidency, George W. Bush is in line to be the first president since World War II to preside over an economy in which federal government employment rose more rapidly than employment in the private sector.

Hmm. Still, it can't have been as bad as it was under that big government maniac Bill Clinton, right?

That is not because federal government jobs have risen at an unusually rapid rate over the last seven years - although the increase did reverse a substantial decline under Mr. Bush's most recent predecessor, Bill Clinton.

Wait, you mean the federal government got smaller under Bill Clinton, and bigger under George W. Bush? Wow. Still - at least George hasn't been as bad for business as some other presidents I could mention. Has he?

With the economy clearly slowing as the final year of Mr. Bush's presidency begins, it is possible that the overall rate of growth in private sector employment for his presidency, now at 0.53 percent per year, could fall below the 0.41 percent rate of his father's administration, which had been the lowest of any president since World War II.

(snip)

One of the weakest sectors was manufacturing. The number of such jobs peaked in 1979, when Jimmy Carter was president, and fell in every administration since, with the exception of a small gain in the Clinton years. The decline in the current administration, at a rate of 3.1 percent a year, is the steepest yet seen.

When President Bush took office, nearly 13 percent of American jobs were in manufacturing. In November, that figure fell below 10 percent for the first time ever, and at last measure was 9.95 percent.

It's okay though - Our Great Leader has got a plan to save the economy which he's taken directly from Christ's teachings in the Bible. You guessed it! He's going to take money away from the sick and the needy, and give it to his wealthy buddies in the war industry. Er, just like Jesus would have wanted.

In the nation's first-ever $3 trillion budget, President Bush seeks to seal his legacy of promoting a strong defense to fight terrorism and tax cuts to spur the economy.

(snip)

The 2009 spending plan sent to Congress on Monday will project huge budget deficits, around $400 billion for this year and next and more than double the 2007 deficit of $163 billion. But even those estimates could prove too low given the rapidly weakening economy and the total costs of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which Bush does not include in his request for the budget year beginning Oct. 1.

As in past years, Bush's biggest proposed increases are in national security. Defense spending is projected to rise by about 7 percent to $515 billion.

(snip)

Bush's spending proposal would achieve sizable savings by slowing the growth in the major health programs - Medicare for retirees and Medicaid for the poor. There the president will be asking for almost $200 billion in cuts over five years, about three times the savings he proposed last year.

Don't like it? Tough. As George told tornado victims in Tennessee last week, "life sometimes is, uh, you know, is unfair."

Thanks so much for those words of comfort, Mr. President.

Cody Hauer

And finally, there's a new oppressed minority in town - that's right, I'm talking about white male Republicans. You may have been skeptical when Ann Coulter and Michael Savage hypothesized that women and black people have huge, unfair advantages over white men in today's society, but Cody Hauer is living proof that Republicans are now being profiled and targeted by the authorities.

An 18-year-old Republican's enthusiasm for presidential hopeful Ron Paul could cost him more than $550.

Cody Hauer has been cited four times in one week for displaying a 13-inch-by-40-inch "Ron Paul Revolution" decal in the rear window of his car.

(snip)

"I support Ron Paul, the city police department doesn't," he said. "They gave me a DWR - driving while Republican."

Shocking stuff! Although to be completely fair to the Owatonna city police:

The problem is that such decals are illegal if they obstruct the driver's view.

(snip)

Owatonna Police Chief Shaun LaDue said his officers followed the law.

"The political aspect of this doesn't enter into the equation at all," LaDue said. "It's very clear in state statute that you cannot have anything that obstructs the driver's vision."

Why, that's ridiculous! I mean, have you seen the front of Sean Hannity's car?

See you next week!

-- EarlG