The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 320

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 320

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 320

January 14, 2007
Mac Is Wack Edition

This week John McCain (1) lands first place after stumbling to victory in New Hampshire. Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani (2) goes for broke, Mitt Romney (3) shows his mettle, and Fred Thompson (4) quietly fades away. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

John McCain

Congratulations to Sen. John McCain, who came from out of nowhere to win the New Hampshire Primary last week. Let's listen in now as he gives his victory speech...

My friends, I am past the age when I can claim the noun, 'kid,' no matter what adjective precedes it. But tonight we sure showed them what a comeback looks like. When the pundits declared us finished, I told them, 'I'm going to New Hampshire, where the voters don't let you make their decision for them.' And when they asked, 'how are you going to do it? You're down in the polls. You don't have the money.' I answered 'I'm going to New Hampshire, and

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

Oh, jeez, sorry. I almost nodded off there.

I talked to the people of New Hampshire. I reasoned with you. I listened to you. I answered you. Sometimes, I argued with you. But I always told you the truth, as best as I can see the truth. And you did me the great honor of listening. Thank you, New Hampshire, from the bottom my heart. I am grateful and humbled and more certain than ever that before I can win your vote, I must win your respect. And I must do that by

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

Huh, what? Oh, right, McCain's victory speech.

I learned long ago that serving only oneself is a petty and unsatisfying ambition. But serve a cause greater than self-interest and you will know a happiness far more sublime than the fleeting pleasure of fame and fortune. For me that greater cause has always been my country, which I have served imperfectly for many years, but have loved without any reservation every day of my life. And however this campaign turns out -- and I am more confident tonight that it will turn out much better than once expected -- I am grateful beyond expression for the prospect that I might

Sorry, I can't do this any more. You can watch the video here. And don't worry about falling asleep, you'll be woken up periodically by all the people in the audience yelling "CRACK HIS BACK! CRACK HIS BACK!"

I never realized McCain was so popular among the chiropractors of New Hampshire.

Rudy Giuliani

Former GOP frontrunner Rudy Giuliani stormed to a spectacular fourth place finish in New Hampshire last week, narrowly squeezing out cult leader Ron Paul. Way to go! But there's trouble in 9/11ville - it turns out that the Giuliani campaign is flat broke.

CNN has learned that top staff members of Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaign were asked to work without pay for the month of January, and perhaps longer, so that campaign resources could be focused on the Florida Republican presidential primary.

Two sources in the campaign, speaking on condition of anonymity, insisted the campaign was not in dire financial straits. A third campaign source, however, said "things are starting to get tight" and that "it was more telling than asking" the senior staff to forgo paychecks beginning the first of the year.

So let me get this straight: Giuliani is the top Republican fundraiser so far, bringing in almost $50 million through the third quarter of 2007, which he's apparently spent most of already. So far this vast sum of cash has netted him a fourth place finish in New Hampshire and a spectacular sixth place in Iowa with just under 4% of the vote. Not only that, but polls now show him losing to John McCain in Florida, and a mere three points ahead in - get this - New York.

Gosh. If the state of Rudy's campaign is anything to go by, just imagine what he could achieve as president...

Mitt Romney

One of Mitt Romney's claims to fame is that he successfully turned around the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics in 2002. A businessman he may be, but a politician he is not. After falling to John McCain in New Hampshire last week - his second loss in a contest he was expected to win - things are looking pretty glum for the man who's been positioning himself as the Heir To Ronald Reagan's Hair. Mind you, Mitt did manage to win the hotly-contested Wyoming Caucus last week, an achievement which is marred just slightly by the fact that Fred Thompson and Duncan Hunter were the only other candidates to show up.

Still, don't count him out just yet - Mitt's hopeful of a big comeback. According to the Wall Street Journal:

Mitt Rommey's New Hampshire concession speech borrowed from remarks he delivered less than a week ago in Iowa.

He used the same Olympics medal analogy, saying he had "two silvers and one gold" - the gold being the little-watched caucus he won over the weekend in Wyoming.

Good stuff - because if there's one thing the NASCAR-loving Republican base likes, its an Olympics metaphor. Personally I think Mitt should keep this up, so as a public service I've compiled some other Winter Olympics references that he can feel free to apply to his campaign.

"My campaign is like the biathlon, which requires plenty of endurance and the ability to shoot straight."

"My campaign is like curling, which requires skill, finesse, and the ability to stay on one's feet."

"My campaign is like the luge, which starts off pleasantly enough but then goes downhill at 90 mph."

Fred Thompson

I'm almost starting to feel sorry for Fred.

Not really though.

Fox News

Regular readers of this column will know that in recent weeks I've put together a couple of handy debate recaps for those who were not fortunate enough to catch the Republican candidates at their absolute finest (see Idiots 316 and 318). Well there was another debate last week, so with the end of primary season drawing ever closer and candidates dropping like flies, it's time for another recap.

But first, the national anthem.

:youtube:

Republican Presidential Candidates

And now...

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots GOP/Fox News Debate Recap
The Third And Final Debate Recap
In Which This Running Gag Reaches Its Logical Conclusion

Ron Paul

Hey, that Ron Paul is pretty swell, right? He sure is great when he gets up on that debate stage and tells those Republicans the truth about American foreign policy! Why, it almost makes me want to vote for the guy, just to get up the noses of all those politics-as-usual, corporate-owned douchebags. There's no difference between the two parties anyway!

If you've ever experienced a fleeting thought like this, maybe in the wee hours, when you're alone, nursing a glass of Scotch and the resentment you've accumulated over the past seven long years, well that's okay. It's natural. After all, it is fun to watch that cranky old white guy stick it to all those other cranky old white guys.

But at the end of the day, any liberal with a brain should know that Ron Paul isn't exactly the most progressive candidate in the race. Last week CNN obtained copies of the "Ron Paul Political Report" - a "series of newsletters in the name of GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul" - which were published from the 1970s to the early '90s. Let's take a look...

The controversial newsletters include rants against the Israeli lobby, gays, AIDS victims and Martin Luther King Jr. -- described as a "pro-Communist philanderer." One newsletter, from June 1992, right after the LA riots, says "order was only restored in L.A. when it came time for the blacks to pick up their welfare checks."

Another says, "The criminals who terrorize our cities -- in riots and on every non-riot day -- are not exclusively young black males, but they largely are. As children, they are trained to hate whites, to believe that white oppression is responsible for all black ills, to 'fight the power,' to steal and loot as much money from the white enemy as possible."

In some excerpts, the reader may be led to believe the words are indeed from Paul, a resident of Lake Jackson, Texas. In the "Ron Paul Political Report" from October 1992, the writer describes carjacking as the "hip-hop thing to do among the urban youth who play unsuspecting whites like pianos."

The author then offers advice from others on how to avoid being carjacked, including "an ex-cop I know," and says, "I frankly don't know what to make of such advice, but even in my little town of Lake Jackson, Texas, I've urged everyone in my family to know how to use a gun in self defense. For the animals are coming."

Paul defended himself last week, insisting that he'd never read the articles and didn't know who wrote them. He said, "People who know me, nobody is going to believe this. That's just not my language. It's not my life. ... Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, Ghandi, they're the heroes (of my life)." Well yes, and I'm sure they would understand why he never bothered to read the white supremacist newsletter that his name was attached to for twenty years.

But oddly enough, according to the Austin Chronicle, Paul's excuse was a bit different when he was running for Congress back in 1996:

Paul now explains that he's been wronged -- his "academic, tongue-in-cheek" opinions have been stripped of their context.

And a 1996 Houston Chronicle article http://www.chron.com/content/chronicle/aol-metropolitan/96/05/23/paul.html">notes that:

Paul, a Republican obstetrician from Surfside, said Wednesday he opposes racism and that his written commentaries about blacks came in the context of "current events and statistical reports of the time."

Hmm.

Other tidbits from Paul's newsletter -- also released to the press by the Morris campaign -- include inflammatory quasi factoids such as the contention that 95% of African-American men in Washington, D.C., are criminal or semi-criminal. He writes that he doesn't think that "a child of 13 should be held responsible as a man of 23. That's true for most people." But, he continues, "black males, age 13, that have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary, and culpable as any adult and should be treated as such." He also implied that a mortar attack of a federal building was not such a bad thing, since no one was hurt.

See? He's not really a crazy terrorist-loving racist after all. In the context of "current events and statistical reports of the time" it was perfectly okay to say things like that.

Mike Huckabee

You're short on cash and short on ideas, but for some bizarre reason your campaign is a smashing success. Better hurry - if you want the GOP to make you their presidential nominee, you're going to need some substance. After all, losing 100 pounds and not believing in evolution can only get you so far.

And so it was that Mike Huckabee revealed his immigration plan last week, which contained such ideas as:

* Employment is the chief draw for most illegal immigrants and denying them jobs is the centerpiece of an attrition strategy.

* Institute a universal, mandatory citizenship verification system as part of the normal hiring process.

* Prevent the IRS and the Social Security Administration from accepting fraudulent Social Security numbers or numbers that don't match the employees' names.

What does it all mean? Well, one thing it means is that Mike Huckabee reads the National Review. Here's what Mark Krikorian, executive director of the Center for Immigration Studies, wrote there back in 2005:

Employment is the chief draw for most illegals to the United States, and denying them jobs must be the centerpiece of any attrition strategy.

(snip)

A pro-enforcement candidate should pledge not only to renew the programs, but also to make them a universal, mandatory part of the normal hiring process.

(snip)

The IRS and the Social Security Administration should be instructed to stop accepting fake Social Security numbers or numbers that don't match the employees' names.

Sound familiar?

The Washington Post notes that Huckabee's website "credits Krikorian for some of his ideas on immigration," but also points out that at the last GOP debate "he implied that it was his own plan, rather than a hasty cut-and-paste job. Authors usually put quotation marks around phrases they copy from other authors."

Way to go, Chuckleberry. Next week - Mike comes up with a new plan for improving U.S.-Russian relations while flicking through a copy of Tom Clancy's "Red Storm Rising" at an airport newsstand.

Ronald Jean Moltere

There was sad news for Republican candidate Ronald Jean Moltere last week, as he was unexpectedly forced to withdraw from West Virginia's 16th District Senate race. According to the Associated Press:

"It was devastating," Moltere said. "I felt like I was shot through the heart."

I know what you're thinking: he was caught either: a) propositioning a police officer in a public bathroom, b) driving drunk, with a prostitute snorting cocaine out of his lap, c) molesting the local Brownie troop, or d) propositioning a prostitute while driving a drunk Brownie troop through a public bathroom with a police officer snorting cocaine out of his lap.

Indeed, something like that would normally be par for the course at this point in the Top 10. But the truth is even sillier...

GOP candidate for West Virginia's 16th District Senate race is withdrawing from the election because he mistakenly registered as a Democrat.

Ronald Jean Moltere, 64, of Harpers Ferry recently discovered the mistake he made 10 years ago. He said he never knew he had checked Democrat instead of Republican because he voted only in general elections, not the primaries.

(snip)

Moltere submitted his pre-candidacy registration as a Republican in the race to replace state Sen. John Yoder. He cannot run for office if he switches parties within 60 days before the official filing period, which begins Monday and ends Jan. 26.

Moltere said he thought about running for the Senate anyway as a Democrat but said he couldn't do that if he were "to be honest with myself and my convictions."

All I can say is:

:wtf:

George W. Bush

And finally: Middle East peacemaking hasn't just been on the back burner for Bush, it's been on the back burner of the old stove which he packed into his pickup a few years ago and dumped in the woods twenty miles out of town. But that all changed last week when, after coming to the conclusion that he's already fixed America's problems, Our Great Leader decided to drop by and solve the Israel/Palestine conflict.

According to the Associated Press, "Bush says these conditions in Israel and the Palestinian territories now are ripe for a more aggressive U.S. role." Because let's face it, if there's one thing that spells Middle East peace, it's George W. Bush and "a more aggressive U.S. role."

So how did it go? Well, after being greeted in Jerusalem by his security cordon of 10,450 police officers who shut down the entire city center for three days, Dubya quickly warmed to his role as a visiting dignitary. According to AFP:

Lights in the Old City of Jerusalem will be turned off before dawn this week so visiting US President George W. Bush can get a better view of the sun rising over its ancient walls.

Bush, who arrives in the Middle East on Wednesday for a visit lasting more than a week, had made a request to watch the sun rise over the Old City from his suite at the King David Hotel, a municipal spokesman said on Tuesday.

How special. I hope they were also able to fulfill his other requests. You know George can't go anywhere without a diamond-encrusted salad bar, solid gold toilet paper, and an ice sculpture of Jesus Christ that pisses Jim Beam.

But the bottom line is that Our Great Leader's Great Middle East Tour was a smashing success. "I believe that a peace agreement between Israelis and Palestinians that defines a Palestinian state is possible this year," he boldly declared in his weekly radio address.

And the headlines certainly bore out George's optimism. "Bush ends peace mission without breakthrough" trumpeted an Associated Press story. "Many Palestinians Ho-Hum Over Bush Visit" blared another. And as Reuters reported:

"To talk about a peace treaty to create a Palestinian state within a year is a fairy tale," veteran U.S. Middle East negotiator Aaron David Miller told Reuters. "It does us no good to inflate and raise expectations that are unrealistic."

But George won't let the skeptics get him down. After all this is the same guy who just announced that America's economy "is on a solid foundation." Yes, a strong economy, peace in the Middle East - the future sure looks bright when viewed through the rose-tinted glass of the presidential crack pipe.

See you next week!

-- EarlG