The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 302

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 302

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 302

August 6, 2007
A Bridge Too Far Edition

Tim Pawlenty and the "Taxes Are Un-American" Crowd (1) top the list this week after the awful incident in Minneapolis, meanwhile Tony Snow (2) and George W. Bush (3) do their best to spin the tragedy. Elsewhere, Tom Tancredo (5) goes nuts, Bob Allen (6) has a compelling explanation, and Dennis Gallagher (10) gets busted. Don't forget the key...

Tim Pawlenty and the "Taxes Are Un-American" Crowd

Read my lips - no new taxes! After all, why should we pay taxes? It's not like our indestructible infrastructure is going to fail any time soon, is it?

Funnily enough, that's what Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-Naturally) of Minnesota used to think - right up until a major bridge collapsed in Minneapolis last week, killing several people.

Back in 2005, Pawlenty vetoed an increase in Minnesota's gas tax despite several Republicans voting for the measure, including State Rep. Ron Erhardt who according to Minnesota Public Radio said at the time, "the poor state of Minnesota's transportation infrastructure means it's time to raise a gas tax that hasn't gone up since 1988."

Then, earlier this year, Pawlenty vetoed another increase in the gas tax. According to Minnesota Public Radio:

Less than 24 hours after the Minnesota Legislature sent him a transportation bill, Pawlenty struck it down Tuesday.

The Republican governor said a higher gas tax would be "untimely and misguided."

Fortunately though, the governor still won't have to raise taxes to rebuild the bridge, because last week the U.S. House generously voted to send $250 million to Minnesota for that purpose.

Let's put that into perspective. $250 million is almost exactly the same amount of taxpayer money that Gov. Pawlenty spent last year on a new stadium for the University of Minnesota. It's also a little less than the United States is spending per day in Iraq.

So as you can see, there are far more important things to spend taxpayer money on than, say, making sure highway bridges don't collapse. Priorities, people, priorities!

Tony Snow

If the White House learned one thing from Hurricane Katrina, it's that you need to deflect blame early and often. After the fatal bridge collapse in Minneapolis, the White House rushed out their talking points in order to head off the slim chance that someone might point the finger at them. For example, here's Tony Snow at a White House press briefing last week:

MR. SNOW: Well, again, the Democratic Governor of the state made the point that he thought --

REPORTER: Republican.

MR. SNOW: That's right, the Republican Governor, you're right, thank you. I was thinking Minnesota.

Er... I guess he must mean the other Minnesota.

George W. Bush

It was no surprise that Our Great Leader showed up to get his picture taken in front of the collapsed bridge. Fair enough - if he hadn't gone, we'd all be bashing him for not caring. But honestly, I've gotta believe that if you're involved in a disaster these days, the last thing you want to see is Dubya's smiling face rolling over the horizon. "Oh great, George W. Bush is here! Our problems are solved! Whoop-de-frickin'-doo."

Of course, Bush and wreckage go together like peanut butter and jelly. I'm surprised he didn't pull out a bullhorn and start yelling at firefighters.

COMMANDER GUY: Ah kin hear you, the rest of the world kin hear you, and the people who knocked this bridge down will hear all of us soon!

NTSB INVESTIGATOR: Uh, sir, it was most likely metal fatigue.

COMMANDER GUY: Ah ain't got no mental fatigue son. We're gonna git those terrists dead or alive.

I mean, could there be a more dreadfully perfect metaphor?

FEMA

Bush pledged a swift response to the disaster in Minneapolis, saying "Our message to the Twin Cities is, we want to get this bridge rebuilt as quick as possible." No doubt. And here's what he said shortly after Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast:

... tonight I also offer this pledge of the American people: Throughout the area hit by the hurricane, we will do what it takes. We will stay as long as it takes to help citizens rebuild their communities and their lives.

So how's that going? Well, last week the Associated Press noted that:

It was bad enough when Hurricane Katrina chased Carrie Lewis out of her assisted-living home in New Orleans. Now she fears the rest of her life may be spent in the isolation of a federally sponsored trailer park.

Because hurricanes Katrina and Rita destroyed so much affordable housing, Lewis and thousands of others displaced - mainly the poor, elderly and infirm - have nowhere else to go.

"I want to go home," said Lewis, 79, who now lives in the Renaissance Village trailer park. "They don't have places for old people in New Orleans yet. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to die in a little trailer in the middle of a field somewhere."

Thanks to Bush's FEMA, the chances of Lewis dying in her trailer have been drastically increased. According to a recent story in the Washington Post:

The Federal Emergency Management Agency since early 2006 has suppressed warnings from its own field workers about health problems experienced by hurricane victims living in government-provided trailers with levels of a toxic chemical 75 times the recommended maximum for U.S. workers, congressional lawmakers said yesterday.

A trail of e-mails obtained by investigators shows that the agency's lawyers rejected a proposal for systematic testing of the levels of potentially cancer-causing formaldehyde gas in the trailers, out of concern that the agency would be legally liable for any hazards or health problems. As many as 120,000 families displaced by hurricanes Katrina and Rita lived in the suspect trailers, and hundreds have complained of ill effects.

So don't worry, people of Minneapolis. Help is on the way.

Tom Tancredo

Last week GOP presidential candidate Tom Tancredo decided to http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2007/08/04/tancredo-bomb-muslim-holy-sites-first">swing for the fences in an effort to catch up with the frontrunners by casting an appeal to the religiously genocidal wing of the Republican party.

Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo's campaign stood by his assertion that bombing holy Muslim sites would serve as a good "deterrent" to prevent Islamic fundamentalists from attacking the United States, his spokeswoman said Friday.

"This shows that we mean business," said Bay Buchanan, a senior Tancredo adviser. "There's no more effective deterrent than that. But he is open-minded and willing to embrace other options. This is just a means to deter them from attacking us."

(snip)

"If it is up to me, we are going to explain that an attack on this homeland of that nature would be followed by an attack on the holy sites in Mecca and Medina," Tancredo said. "That is the only thing I can think of that might deter somebody from doing what they would otherwise do. If I am wrong, fine, tell me, and I would be happy to do something else. But you had better find a deterrent, or you will find an attack."

Okay, just a few quick points...

1) Are you out of your mind?

2) I mean, seriously, you're joking, right?

3) Good grief, you're not joking.

Bob Allen

I noted in Idiots 299 that one of John McCain's Florida co-chairs had been arrested after cruising for sex in a park restroom. According to the cops, here's what happened:

In a written statement released Thursday, Titusville Officer Danny Kavanaugh recalled entering the restroom twice and said he was drying his hands in a stall when Allen peered over the stall door.

After peering over the stall a second time, Allen pushed open the door and joined Kavanaugh inside, the officer wrote. Allen muttered "hi," and then said, "this is kind of a public place, isn't it," the report said.

The officer said he asked Allen about going somewhere else and that the legislator suggested going "across the bridge, it's quieter over there."

"Well look, man, I'm trying to make some money; you think you can hook me up with 20 bucks?" Kavanaugh asked Allen.

The officer said Allen responded, "Sure, I can do that, but this place is too public."

Then Kavanaugh said he told Allen, "I wanna know what I gotta do for 20 bucks before we leave." He said Allen replied: "I don't know what you're into."

According to Kavanaugh's statement, the officer said, "do you want just (oral sex)?" and Allen replied, "I was thinking you would want one."

The officer said he then asked Allen, "but you'll still give me the 20 bucks for that ... and that the legislator said, "yeah, I wouldn't argue with that."

As Allen turned and motioned for the officer to follow him to his car, Kavanaugh identified himself as a police officer by raising his shirt and exposing his badge.

And just to put the icing on the cake:

When Allen was being placed in a marked patrol car, he asked whether "it would help" if he was a state legislator, according to a police report. The officer replied, "No."

Ouch. But not so fast! According to Allen this is all just "a very big misunderstanding." In fact, it turns out that he has a compelling explanation:

State Rep. Bob Allen told police he was just playing along when a undercover officer suggested in a public restroom that the legislator give him oral sex and $20 because he was intimidated, according to a taped statement and other documents released Thursday.

Intimidated? How so?

"I certainly wasn't there to have sex with anybody and certainly wasn't there to exchange money for it," said Allen, R-Merritt Island, who was arrested on charges of soliciting prostitution.

"This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park," Allen, who is white, told police in a taped statement after his arrest. Allen said he feared he "was about to be a statistic" and would have said anything just to get away.

Ah, the "black panic causes oral sex" defense! That should play well in court. "Your honor, it was the middle of the afternoon and the park was full of black men, which obviously made me fear for my life. I was so terrified that I loitered in the public restroom until one of them walked in, at which point I offered to drive him away in my car and give him a blowjob. Wouldn't you have done the same thing?"

CNN

So, farewell Paula Zahn - and hello Laura Ingraham. Last week Ingraham revealed that CNN had offered her a tryout in their coveted 8pm slot. Ingraham follows in the footsteps of the equally fair-and-balanced Glenn Beck, who got a week-long trial in the slot early last month.

Lest we forget, on election day last year Ingraham "urged her listeners to obstruct efforts to protect voting rights by jamming a free voter protection hotline," according to Think Progress.

After playing a recording of DNC Chairman Howard Dean promoting the line to voters, Ingraham suggested her listeners call en masse:

Tell me if you think I'm crazy. This is what I'm thinking. I think we all need to call 1 888 DEM VOTE all at the same time.

Way to go, CNN! You truly are "The Most Trusted Name In News." Hey, while you're at it, why not replace "The Situation Room" with four hours of Rush Limbaugh?

The White House

I noted last week that Bill O'Reilly has turned his spitballs on DailyKos - according to Media Matters:

During the July 30 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor, host Bill O'Reilly criticized the decision by several Democratic presidential candidates to attend the YearlyKos convention, calling the decision "beyond shameful" and claiming that "a group of far-left bloggers has succeeded in frightening most of the Democratic presidential candidates and moving the party significantly to the left."

Yet last week the White House held a special off-the-record schmoozefest where Our Great Leader got to meet with some of the country's biggest hate-radio hosts and give them their marching orders for the rest of the summer. The guest list included:

Glenn Beck ("You know it took me about a year to start hating the 9-11 victims' families? Took me about a year.")

Bill Bennett ("You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down.")

Neal Boortz ("When we defeat this illegal alien amnesty bill, and when we yank out the welcome mat, and they all start going back to Mexico, as a going away gift let's all give them a box of nuclear waste. Give 'em all a little nuclear waste and let 'em take it on down there to Mexico. Tell 'em it can -- it'll heat tortillas.")

Laura Ingraham ("And for John Kerry and for Joe Biden and to Barbara Boxer, with all those other issues that the Democrats can be grabbing onto, to actually be on the side of, what, Kim Jong Il and the European intellectuals who are attacking John Bolton, it makes no sense.")

Michael Medved (In the animated penguin movie Happy Feet "there's this whole subtext, as there so often is, about homosexuality.")

Janet Parshall ("I understand that Matthew was somewhat of a person who hung around some of the gay bars and was coming on to some people. So, was he looking for trouble in all the wrong places?")

Sean Hannity ("If the Democrats win -- if they win in November, is it a victory for the terrorists?")

Mike Gallagher (A Bush-Cheney '04 video "brilliantly put together side by side Al Gore's raging maniacal rant next to Adolf Hitler.")

Funnily enough, O'Reilly had no complaints about this meeting. What a surprise.

The Bush Administration

The surge is working! The surge is working! Last week the New York Times reported that "The death of a marine in western Iraq brought the American military death toll to 74 so far in July, on course to be the lowest monthly figure this year."

On July 26, Lt. Gen. Raymond T. Odierno, the second-ranking American commander in Iraq, said that the lower death toll was a "positive sign" but that it was too early to say whether the reduction was a "true trend."

So let's take a look at the number of America soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq this year, and reflect upon this "positive sign."

July: 80
June: 101
May: 126
April: 104
March: 81
February: 81
January: 83

Hmm, so there was one fewer troop killed in the month of July than in the months of February and March. Well I guess the surge must be working!

Now let's compare July 2007 with previous years:

July 2007: 80
July 2006: 43
July 2005: 54
July 2004: 54
July 2003: 48

The surge is working I tells ya!

Dennis Gallagher

And finally, it's time for another round of "Guess the party affiliation!" The rules are simple: I give you a recent news headline, and you try to guess which political party the person in the headline belongs to. Here we go...

Queens Councilman Surrenders To Police

Got it yet? We're talking about a New York politician here, so chances are he's a Democrat, right? Perhaps if I give you a bit more detail on the crime of which he is accused, you'll be able to get it.

Queens Councilman Dennis Gallagher surrendered to authorities on rape charges on Friday.

It was a devastating image. Gallagher surrendered Friday morning at the 112th Precinct. He was led out in handcuffs on the way to his arraignment.

Appearing before a judge, he pleaded not guilty, and was arraigned on $200,000 bail, much of it put up by his brother.

Outside, he was greeted by a crush of media. He labored to make his way down Queens Boulevard, accompanied by his wife, who held his hand despite charges he raped a 52-year-old grandmother.

If you guessed that Dennis Gallagher is a Republican, congratulations! You're right.

See you next week...

-- EarlG