John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011

[The Sushi Bandit]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/john_edwards_vows_to_end_all_bad

AMES, IA—In an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office.

"Many bad things are not just bad—they're terrible," said a beaming Edwards, whose "Only the Good Things" proposal builds upon previous efforts to end poverty, outlaw startlingly loud noises, and offer tax breaks to those who smile frequently. "Other candidates have plans that would reduce some of the bad things, but I want all of them gone completely."

[RaleighNCDUer]

1. Well, I should hope so.

Otherwise, what's the point?

[gasperc]

2. the Onion is awesome

John Edwards is still my guy

[wtmusic]

3. Well, it's a start. nt

[saltpoint]

4. Yur either for bad things or yur against 'em.

I'm against 'em.

[The Sushi Bandit]

5. thats right!