Here in the DU office, we sometimes keep the TV on in the background so we can keep one eye on the news. Or, perhaps it would be more correct to refer to it as "news" in quotation marks, since our television is usually set to CNN, which (despite the promise implied in its name) isn't exactly known for its hard-hitting news reporting. The fact that CNN is our news channel of choice does not imply any sort of endorsement of CNN on our part. All the 24-hour cable news channels are basically excrement, and I can't even bring myself to say that CNN is the least bad of the three. The only possible explanation I can come up with for the fact that we watch CNN is that perhaps somewhere deep in the primitive reptile part of my brain when I think "cable news" the synapse associated with the name "CNN" is the first one to fire. Followed quickly thereafter by the synapse for "Fox News." And then a few seconds later the synapse for "that other news channel, whatever it's called" fires weakly. In fact, I think the word "fire" isn't really appropriate to describe what that synapse does. In reality, it just kinda mumbles something incoherent and then rolls over and falls back asleep.
But getting back to the point: We've had CNN on in the background for the last couple days, and as far as I can tell there were exactly five major news items: There was some sort of shake-up in the White House. There were some protests and/or rioting in France, for no readily apparent reason. A blind man rescued some kittens from a house fire. There was something involving two "dirty bombs." And Lou Dobbs is very,
very angry about immigrants.
Man, that guy is angry. As I sit here watching, I'm starting to think there is a chance he might actually smash through my television set, put me and EarlG in headlocks under each of his arms, and knock our heads together like a pair of coconuts. EarlG is an immigrant and I own a chihuahua, so we've got a good reason to be scared.
But don't take my word for it. On Monday night, Lou had the president of La Raza on his program and simply refused to let her string a single complete sentence together. Whenever she tried to do so, Lou's eyeballs would pop out, steam would pour out of his ears, and his head would split open down the center so sinewy tongues of fire could spray directly from the top of his severed neck and lash her across the face.
On Wednesday Lou is taking his "Broken Borders" show on the road, broadcasting LIVE FROM MEXICO. I know because throughout the day today, CNN has been flashing a 24-hour countdown clock which shows the exact number of hours, minutes, and seconds until the program begins. (Seriously.) My sources tell me that Lou plans to take on a dozen Mexican "Ultimate Fighters" in a no-holds-barred, one-against-twelve X-treme cage match. If he does not succeed in murdering all of them with his bare hands, a pack of hungry lions will be let loose in the cage to finish the job. It's all part of his master plan to overtake Bill O'Reilly as "The Angriest Man On Cable News." To his credit, at least Lou's been bashing George W. Bush throughout this whole spectacle.
But Lou Dobbs isn't the only person who seems to have gone completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs on the issue of immigration. The craziest sonofabitch turns out to be US Rep. James Sensenbrenner, a Republican (of course) and the
the heir to the Kotex fortune. (Insert your own joke here.) His bill to crack down on illegal immigration would create a 700-mile fence along the US-Mexican border, make it a felony to be in the United States illegally, and -- get this -- make it a crime to provide help to any illegal immigrant. Hillary Clinton, who doesn't exactly have a reputation of shooting from the hip, said that Sensenbrenner's bill "would literally criminalize the good Samaritan and probably even Jesus himself."
This harsh partisan attack had conservative Republicans groping for their Bibles so they could point out the scripture that proves her wrong. They were ultimately unsuccessful, as none of them had actually seen a Bible -- let alone read one -- for decades. One enterprising Republican staffer was able to dig up a faded piece of paper entitled "Bible verses showing that the Gays are Abnormal and Unnatural," but alas it was of no practical value in this situation.
To the great alarm of every Americans with higher brain function, it would seem that a majority of the Republican-controlled US House of Representatives is as insane as Rep. Sensenbrenner, as they have already passed his bill.
Fortunately, at this point it appears unlikely that Sensenbrenner's bill will become the law of the land. A Senate committee has approved much less draconian immigration reform legislation with unanimous Democratic support. And at the moment, the president seems to want to sign something closer to the Senate bill. But the most important reason why the Sensenbrenner bill would never become law is because it doesn't have the support of the Republican Party's paymasters -- the corporate interests who take advantage of the cheap labor of illegal immigrants.
So what we actually have here is "The Immigration Show" -- kinda like the Lou Dobbs program, but played on a national stage by conservative Republican pandering for votes. If this sounds familiar, there's a reason. "The Immigration Show" is a lot like "The Abortion Show" and the "The Gay Marriage Show." The conservative wing of the party makes a lot of noise, and they win a lot of votes. But in the end, the only laws that get passed are the ones that meet the quiet approval of the party's corporate wing.
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