Bush Press Conference (Transcript) (satire)

[Harlequin]

I'd like to open tonight's session with a handwritten quote directly from the president:

"My Fellow Americans. The loss of a journalist is like the fall of a sparrow. When one falls, an angel gets its wings. We regret the loss of any journalist which serves our countrys purpose of marching freedom across this great big blue marble of ours. To their families, God bless America."

(ahem.)

The Administration expresses its concern over the issue and is looking into it. It is not the US policy to kill journalists domestic or foreign. We repeat: We have never intended to kill any journalist, here in the states or otherwise. I mean, look at Helen. Who would kill her? (Laughs.)

The Administration has always believed that a free, robust press has been a healthy check on the use of State power. We've always stood for freedom, and part of that means freedom within our own borders.

On the other hand, we can't let the death of this single, foreign journalist, or even living journalists such as Jeff Gannon, or sort-of living people like Teri Shiavo, or old living people concerned for their Social Security personalization, or the War, or soaring federal defecits distract the Administration from its true elected purpose, which is to help usher in Armageddon. Those were our constituants. We've got more than a mandate; We've got a... uh... prescription from God, I guess. (Laughs).

I'd like to make that last point a little clearer: In Iran, Mr. Bush has been, well, unofficially anyway, designated the "13th Imam" due to his extraordinary recruitment efforts. That's a rare honor for any American president, especially an avowed Christian who routinely breaks at least 4 of the 10 commandments as Mr. Bush has. Quite an honor indeed. (smiles). Oh? They are coveting a neighbor's posession, killing, stealing, and bearing false witness. He atoned, uh, last week, I think. So for a while anyway, he's qualified.

The administration has been hard at work decoding the Bible to find out exactly what else Mr. Bush can do to help bring Armageddon about. In fact, while people say Mr. Bush has been generally against science, he's been working with, that's with the scientific community to develop a new random-intelligence, pezio-lectric Locust which will automatically destroy bioorganic vegetation and behave in a swarm mentality. The wing probem has been solved with propellers and delivery of unit-dosed superefficient bioxides from well, it's, uh, behind-area. (Laughs.) Very exciting.

And in terms of the Economy, as far as Mr. Bush knows, Greenspan's driving, and let's just limit discussion to that.

We don't have time to go into it further due to the pleasant distraction Mr. Bush has elected for the afternoon. As you know he's always been a huge fan of ping-pong, been invited to a college-level ping-pong championship in Texas, his home state, where he bought a ranch in the year before he decided to run for office there, although it is not entirely certain whether he adopted the Texan accent before or after he moved to the ranch. We have records which certify the before-story, which we will gladly submit to all the major networks.

And while we're at it, a bon-voyage to Dan Rather, who we know to be a journalist. Guess there's a few positions open in Iraq now. (Laughs.) Thank you and good afternoon.