Reply #29: getting away with it.. [View All]

[undergroundpanther]

I definitely agree with you here Southerncrone:

I have called kids out for bullying & they have responded with disbelief & shallow arguments that what they were doing was innocent. This tells me that they have had a long history of "getting away" with this type of behavior.

One reason I think people defend bullies is from a desperate fantasy of wanting this world to be just.But reality this world is seldom just,and being kind and gentle gets you torn apart by the predatory personalities.

I usually endured it. I would show no reactions no tears I stared into the eyes. No submission either. I had a limit to what I could endure,and when that limit was crossed all hell broke loose.I seemed to endure around 6 to 8 months of everyday harassing, humiliation and blows until I'd begin to lose it.As I got older the fight response got turned inward more.
When I fought back ,I was usually already wounded and bleeding .My fists were aimed directly at the perpetrator/the most dominating one starting shit. I knew the lackeys and bully cheer club were not the real problem,their 'leader' was.
Luckily no bully would attack me by them self, apparently. So they came,in packs.And once their group leader was given a bitter dose of his own poison,they left me alone for a few days.
And this kind of abusive pattern would go on and on with different groups of assholes until I reached a breaking point and did something .

My mom had been trying to get me help out of that school for months. I told her I could not cope with it. I told her how the teacher sat there like a lump watching everything happening but did nothing to stop it.So after enduring stuff like having my lips smashed into my braces and heavy books pounded over my head and my artwork trashed,soap flakes thrown in my hair,for months, I asked my mom what I could do. She once had a good idea .She told me to destroy the room,smash everything you can. Than she would handle the school.The next day I went through the same old shit.But this time when I felt blood running down my chin,I saw a red puddle on my desk and I lost it.I picked up chairs ,tables and threw the scissors into the cork boards(I was a very good knife thrower)It was an art classroom.The other students were "evacuated".I kept trashing everything in sight up until I collapsed exhausted. Than I was escorted to the principal.

He lectured me and took the paddle off the wall shrine thing above his desk.He stood over me threatening to hit me with it.I looked at the floor and counted drops of blood as my mouth was still bleeding.
He didn't notice there was a puddle on the floor.
I told him, to go ahead and beat the shit out of me,It won't make any difference,I get hurt at home and by the assholes in this school worse than what that paddle can do. I just stared at the floor my hair was like a veil over my face . It seemed he was furious that I was indifferent to him. I was just exhausted and suicidal.But I didn't tell him or anyone that.

He called my mom up there. He was so self righteous talking to her about expelling me,it was disgusting . My mom told him that SHE told me to trash that classroom, since nobody seemed to notice what was happening .She asked why they noticed something is wrong in that class only when things get broken??
You could've heard a pin drop. He backpedaled, played innocent.The torment in that class stopped for around two weeks.
This shit went on from first grade to my first year of high school.
I don't have a clue how I lived through it. All I wanted was to be left alone. Sometimes my mom had my back,but too often she didn't know what to do,so she didn't do anything..And so they"got away with it".Unless I made sure they didn't.