I can't fucking do this anymore [View All]

[GirlinContempt]

I can't, I just can't. This is an insane inane post from hell, but if I don't do something i'm just going to crack up even more. its too late to call anyone and i'm going to explode

i can't do anything, and i sure as hell can't do anything right. for what, over a week now? I've been sleeping on a fucking loveseat, waking up in screaming fucking agony, and then trying all day to get myself to a point where I can move around, just so i can go vacum every fucking inch of my bedroom, every bit of furniture and speck of carpet and inch of my mattress and on and on just to try and get rid of these fucking bed bugs becauyse i can't afford a god damn exterminator, and they're just nasty little fucks. the cleaning bill alone, which I had to borrow for, i don't know how the fuck i'm going to pay that back because i can't clean every article of clothing and bedding i own myself, i physically can not so i had to send it out and i'm so fucking poor right now i'm on the verge of eating my cats food

i thought i had it under control, but no. i was in the room and one just flew off of something and started crawling on my fucking arm

i can't fucking do this. not just the bug shit, any of it

ten fucking months of ever increasing pain and misery, and no one can or will help me. i can't work, i get less than $200 fucking dollars a month to live on, i can't get around anywhere. fuck, some days i can't get up, let alone go out.

i fuck everything up. i try to be patient and cheerful and deal and cope but i can't. i'm sick all the time, constantly nauseous, vomiting left right and center. the pain is getting worse every day. i get massive headaches, my vision goes all fucked and i can't see anything for hours at a time, and i can barely walk as it is. no one wants to be around me, and i don't blame them. i'm a miserable son of a bitch, no matter how hard i try, and i'm a giant fucking baby. people deal with this shit every day, idon't know what is wrong with me that I just cant

every fucking time i walk in to my drs office, i see a new asshole that i have to try and explain my 10 months worth of hell to just to try and get anywhere, and i never get anywhere. they all treat me like a crazy fucking drug addict or something. i see one guy, he makes me an appt to come back two weeks later to look at some stuff, i come back, it's a new fucking guy who has no god damn clue why i'm there. they fuck up my prescriptions, which are narcotics, so when i go to get them fixed, the pharmacy wont fill them because they have the old fucked up directions. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF HAVING THAT GIANT FUCKING FILE ON ME IF NO ONE READS IT OR WRITES IT IN OR PAYS ANY FUCKING ATTENTION TO THE INFORMATION THEREIN>!>>?!?!

i'm now having to go over an hour outside of the city just to see someone that is actually trying to help me, and it's hell in the car there and back because i can't sit for that long, and I can only get appointments when I can find someone who has the time to drive me. the guy is a family friend, and is so far better than any other fuck i've seen, but i have to go to fucking carman to see him, so that's just mental

i live in a hell hole because i can barely take care of myself, actually i really can't take care of myself, let alone my apartmnet, and i live alone, because my fucking room mate is too self involved to give a shit about anyone but herself. I have done nothing but try to be a good fucking friend to her, andnow I may as well not exist. Oh hey, need a job? I'll help you get one. You need a room mate? I'll move out with you. Need someone to go to the clinic with you? Well, I'm in immense pain and sitting in a plastic waiting room chair for 2 hours is worse than the rack, but you're my friend and I'm there for you.

Can she even be bothered to bring home a fucking carton of milk when she says she will?! She shows up every 3 or 4 weeks for about 10 hours, most of wich are sleeping. she can't even be bothered to show up when she promised MORE THAN A MONTH IN ADVANCE to be around when the neighbour crackheads were having some insane party. I talked to her THAT DAY and she didn't even CALL. She was at KARAOKE INSTEAD. she calls and says she wants to come hang out tomorrow evening, and doesn't show up FOR A MONTH. and she KNEW, moving out with me, that I COULD NOT LIVE ALONE, and that I would need a bit of help. I'm not asking anyone to wipe my ass or give me a sponge bath but, i don't know, pitch in on the groceries, pick things up at the store, help me with the cleaning i physically CAN NOT DO?!

i am constantly alone. and I still have another week or more to wait before I can find out of i have this fucked up bone cancer from my tests. so thats fun.

I sit in a dirty fucking apartment, in agony, unable to do anything, nearly too poor to fucking eat, crawling with fucking biting bugs, half blind, throwing up all over the place (ok, in the toilet, but still...) alone. All. The. Time.

And i'm losing it. tonight i just fucking snapped. i just collapsed on the floor in the living room and cried so loud for nearly 2 hours that the neighbors started banging on the ceiling. I dunno what to do. i'm shaking so hard right now. and i just want it over. done. kaput.

i'm not saying suicide. don't get me wrong. I'm saying, a meteor is crashing towards me, i'm not running, even if i could. i'm on the verge of praying for some sort of sudden death to just carry me off without my help. just something. or, better yet, a miracle cure.

There is no fucking reason a person like me, with no injury or trauma, should be stuck like this for TEN MONTHS without even something as basic as a diagnosis.

I can't do it anymore. and i don't even want to talk to half the people in my life, because they just make me feel fucking guilty. I know that they CARE, but fuck, please find another way of showing it. When you ask how I am and i honestly say shit, don't make me feel bad because you don't want to hear it. don't get fucking angry with me because i'm not doing better, or i don't know something, or i don't feel like chatting. I"M FUCKING MISERABLE, and if you don't want to deal with it, DONT. but don't say you care so much and want to help and want me to talk to you and all this nonsense and then lay this giant guilt trip on me because *I* make *YOU* feel bad. I'm so fucking tired of this shit. Everyone wants to help and then gets fucking bitchy when they can't and i'm still unhappy. IT MAKES ME FEEL WORSE. And it makes me pull away from everyone in my life even more, because I don't want to make people as unahppy and miserable as I am, I really fucking dont.

and frankly, i really don't have many people in my life. my room mate is off in "i only care about me and getting laid and being popular" land, and most of my friends have lives. I can't go anywhere, I can't do most thigns, even going out for a meal is a fucking ordeal and incredibly painful. And now, people can't even come here because I might infect them with these fucking bed bugs.

so i just can' do it anymore. i can't keep pretending to be cheerful and up beat and normal because it's fucking killing me. and i'm serously losing it. i can't sleep, when i do i wake up in even more pain if thats possible. i'm sick all the time, etc. and whopee i get to wait and find out if i have fucking incurable bone cancer.

i hate my life. i hate my life. i wish i could afford a big bar of chocolate so i could eat it and then puke it back up again. but i can't even afford a payphone call.

fuck.

and posting this on the internet is probably nuts too, but i just don't care anymore who knows what or who's judging me or who reads it. i just need to feel like i have some kind of basic human interaction right now, because as i said, i can't even call someone, because it's so late at night and i'm here, as usual, all alone.