My kitty might be very ill right now [View All]

[hyphenate]

I think it was about a month or go I had asked if anyone was familiar with why Delenn (one of my 12 year olds) was drooling so much and rubbing her jaw so often.

Since then, about two weeks ago, I noticed something awful--she's got a huge mass on her tongue that I think is a tumor. It's difficult for her to wash herself, and I finally figured out why she was losing weight, probably because the hard food was bothering her and hard to take.

Well, next week I've got a vet appointment for her. It's difficult for me because I have a fixed income, but you know, you just will try anything for your "kids" and she's one of mine. My sister was cruel to me last night on the subject by saying, well hell, if it's cancer, why don't you just put her out of her misery!

I cried. And I still cry thinking about it. Perhaps I'm TOO sensitive about it, but shit, I've lost so much in the past four and a half years, losing two kits to being lost, two more to illness, my best friend, a dear friend's mother (to whom I was close) and the loss of another close friendship. And add on top of that how my own health is failing, and the permanent consequences dealing with that crap, and it's enough to make me want to go and find a bridge to jump off. (Except it would mean walking or something, and I can't do much of that, regardless) I feel so guilty in the loss of all the kits for one reason or another, even if someone tells me I'm not to blame, there is a part of me that claims responsibility regardless.

And so tonight I'm just not feeling mighty good about anything, and just wish there was consolation, and I know there isn't. (Sort of why I went to a therapist, only to be told there IS no "happy place" in reality) The worst fear I have is that there won't be any other choice than to let her go if I can't afford to do anything about it. It's unfortunately one of the things about life that makes it suck pondwater, you know? :shrug:

I wish life were a little simpler, but them's the breaks, right? I'm afraid I'm just overwhelmed right now and am having a hard time dealing with the harsh reality that I'm going to lose another furkit soon. :(