Clark Breaks Up Happy Marriage [View All]

[Plaid Adder]

Because the party that laughs together, stays together...enjoy.
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ROTO-REUTERS, SEP. 19--Only a day after Gen. Wesley Clark announced his intention to run for the Democratic presidential nomination, critics accuse him of fomenting discord and strife among the ranks of the Democratic faithful. Not only has Clark's entry caused a wave of convlusions and snits across the Internet, but sources suggest it has already wrecked a previously amicable fifteen-year marriage. Since Matt Drudge broke the story on his website, rumors have flown far and wide regarding the imminent separation of the Plaid Adder and her partner of fifteen years, Liza. The cause? Irreconcilable differences--over whether or not to vote Clark in the upcoming Democratic primary.

Drudge's report cites an unnamed source close to the Plaidders who claims to have witnessed a near-fatal altercation at the Plaidder home shortly after Clark announced yesterday. "The girls were out gardening in the evening," said the source, who asked not to be identified. "And you know, I was just hiding--I mean, just passing through the bushes near the flowerbed and I happened by pure chance to hear what they were talking about. And Liza was saying that she thought this Clark guy really had a shot at beating Bush, and then Plaidder was saying that she didn't want a general running the country, and then before you knew it they were swearing like sailors and then before I could get out the videocamera they were going after each other with the shovels. I sure hope they haven't killed each other, cause I dunno what I'll do with my time if I don't have the girls to keep tabs on, I really don't."

While some question the accuracy of this account and Drudge's motives in posting it, speculation has been rampant, and emotions are running high. "Plaidder and Liza have been a model lesbian couple for fifteen years and now look what Clark's campaign has done to them," cried CLarkIsTheAntichrist, a relatively new member of the notorious Democratic Underground forums. "If we allow this scumsucking covert Reublican DLC-licking trigger-happy pig to continue running he will destroy the Democratic party forever!" However, another new member, DeansJustMean, countered that there was no evidence to support this scurrilous charge, observing, "and that is exactly why every hour on the hour I drop to my knees weeping tears of gratitude for the fact that General Clark rode in on his white horse to rescue our party from these crazed progressives! God bless this brave man whose boots none of you are worthy to lick!" Flames rose even higher when WillPitt took the couple themselves to task for being "a brace of immature kindergardners who wouldn't know real debate if it bit them in the ass" in his controversial thread "Way To Go, You Two!!!", which was finally locked at 650 posts. Others believe that the controversy was started by Plaidder and Liza themselves as a deliberate attempt to sow trouble in the Democratic ranks. "Both of them openly admit they voted for Nader in 2000," said BlindPartyRage. "If that doesn't prove that they're both CIA operatives being paid by Karl Rove to steal the 2004 election, I don't know what does."

The brouhaha has been gleefully noted by conservative pundits, especially Ann Coulter, who chortled, "I'm glad they're miserable, and I only hope they kill each other brutally so they can both burn in hell and be miserable forever." Coulter called on more lesbians to kill themselves and each other, observing that "unfortunately, we can't rely on AIDS to take care of this menace for us."

Most of the Democratic candidates, by contrast, declined to comment on the situation, although a spokesman for the Howard Dean campaign did express sadness that "anything should happen to undermine the good work Howard Dean has done to support civil unions between same-sex couples," prompting a nearby spokesman for the Kucinich campaign to crow, "Who's 'too liberal' NOW, punk?"

Finally reached for comment on her commute home, Plaidder appeared bewildered by the furor. "What? Are you crazy? I'll break up with Liza when I'm dead, and not before," she responded, adding, "Isn't there a gruesome murder somewhere that you could be covering?" Reuters has also learned that Liza staunchly denies the existence of any rift between herself and Plaidder. "We had this exact conversation three months ago about Dean and Kucinich," Liza stated. "We survived that and we'll survive this. You think after 15 years of fighting evil side by side we're gonna split up over Wesley fucking Clark? What the hell is the matter with you?"
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C ya,

The Plaid Adder