Voldemort's Plans In Washington Move Forward [View All]

[Raster]

"Muggle Enslavement On Schedule" says Dark Lord

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has continued to wage a successful campaign to dominate politics in the United States' muggle capitol of Washington D.C. The Dark Lord has cleverly disguised his greater plans for Ultimate Evil by convincing center-and-right-wing Americans that the so-called "Republican Agenda" is actually about lower taxes for regular working Americans, smaller government with less intrusion, family values, homeland security, and the war on terrorism.

"Fear and deceit are tremendous weapons in the fight for the souls of wizards and muggles," said You-know-who, in an exclusive interview with DMY, his voice a terrifying high-pitched whisper. "While it might have been easier in the short run to cast a mass spell of delusion and control, such magic can wear off quickly, which is why we chose our latest methods of promoting patriotism, questioning dissent, and targeting other countries as 'enemies of the state.' We find the results much longer-lasting when people are afraid of vague threats like 'Islamic terrorism,' 'bleeding heart liberals,' and 'the economy.' Little do these groveling worthless maggots know, there is nothing more fearful than the fury of Lord Voldemort."

Mr. Mort's group has managed to use this successful strategy to place numerous muggle high officials such as George W. Bush, Tom Ridge, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and the Evil One's personal favorite, John Ashcroft.

"I'm exceptionally proud of my faithful servant Ashcroft. He truly convinces people that he's got their best interests at heart! Hahahahahahahaha! Ahem. Pardon me." He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named took a moment to wipe the tears of laughter from white cheeks with long, skeletal fingers, took a deep, hissing breath, and pulled himself back together. "As I was saying, that John, he's a real go-getter. I haven't even had to use the cruciatus curse on him. And that's saying something, coming from me. And I must add that he looks quite stylish in those Death Eater hood and robes. Sadly, the American people are not yet ready for that. Not in the North, anyway. Heh, heh. They will be soon enough."

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Muggle Enslavement