Reply #33: That's the edited version. Here's the original. [View All]

[jmowreader]

KENNEBUNKPORT -- President George W. Bush celebrated his 85th birthday today by making a botched parachute jump into a churchyard.

"I was the jumpmaster on that load," said Staff Sergeant John Smith, who serves with the US Army's 20th Special Forces Group. "He was going to make a (high-altitude, low-opening) jump and land in front of his home. Instead, he opened his parachute the second he exited the plane and landed fourteen miles away in a church parking lot. It's a wonder he wasn't killed."

Former Florida Governor "Jeb" Bush, who is currently under investigation for gubernatorial malfeasance, confirms Sergeant Smith's version of events. "Yeah, we were all waiting down by the lake. We were gonna watch him land, and then have a big barbecue. But my dipshit brother looked up in the air and screamed, 'he's heading for the church! He's heading for the church!' We all looked up and yeah, he was heading straight for the church. Well, either the church or the city sewage lagoon, one of the two because they're next to each other. So we all threw down our martinis, jumped in any car we could find and hauled ass as fast as we could so we could all get to the church and line up for pictures of us cheering when he landed. I'm not sure what we would have done if he really would have landed in the sewage lagoon. They say there's a swamp monster that lives in there."

Disgraced president "Dubya" Bush, who isn't currently under investigation for anything but should be, says he was hoping his father would land in the lagoon. "You know, it's not really fair. Ever since 2001, when someone says 'President Bush,' people always ask 'which one.' I wanna be the only President Bush! And I would have been if dad would have landed in the swamp so the swamp monster could eat him. Now where's that fifth of Scotch you promised me?"

The Kennebunkport Swamp Monster is an old wives' tale dating back to Prohibition. It seems that one Fred Jones, who was the town dogcatcher and weighed about four hundred pounds, made a still out of the radiator out of his pickup. He didn't clean it out good, and the combination of the lead and the antifreeze in it killed him in a most painful fashion; he staggered down the street clawing at his eyes and screaming until he accidentally fell in the sewage lagoon and drowned. Fred's wife didn't ask anyone to dig him out and no one in town liked his sorry ass, so he's still in there. He does serve a useful purpose, though: when someone's kid starts fucking up, his mom tells him Fred the Swamp Monster's going to come out and get him, and the kid squares his shit away in short order.

Well anyway, Poppy jumped out of an airplane, fucked up his exit, landed on the other side of town from where he was supposed to and gets applauded in the press for how brave he was. Typical Republican.