Borowitz: Biden leading Trump among Voters who favor being alive

Joe Biden smiling.
Photograph by Andrew Harnik / AP / Shutterstock
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than a hundred days until the election, Donald J. Trump is trailing Joe Biden badly among voters who describe themselves as in favor of being alive.

The poll, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, shows Biden beating Trump by a whopping thirty-one per cent among voters who call continuing to exist the issue that is most important to them.

In several swing states, including Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, Biden has wiped out Trump’s lead by racking up huge margins among the rather-not-die-right-now demographic.

“Trump needs to do something dramatic to show voters that he, too, is in favor of them staying alive,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “I’m not sure that shooting rubber bullets and tear gas at them sends that message.”

Trump’s new campaign manager, Bill Stepien, accused the media of focussing too much attention on the opinions of voters who wish to continue to breathe because of the press’s own “anti-dying bias.”

“This campaign is working overtime to identify voters who are not in favor of being alive and make sure they know that President Trump is on their side,” he said.

OK, MSNBC just confirmed it. Roger Stone's sentence commuted.

Borowitz: Trump freaks out after giant statue of Obama appears on WH lawn

I don't know how I missed this yesterday, but it's a good one. "He cares so much about history" is the best line.



WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump “totally freaked out” on Tuesday morning, after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight, sources have confirmed.

Trump first discovered the statue, which stands approximately thirty feet tall, when he awoke to see the sculptural rendering of Obama’s face staring at him through his bedroom window.

Shaken, Trump immediately summoned his Secret Service detail to escort him down to the White House bunker, where he unsuccessfully tried to steady his nerves.

At 7 a.m., an emergency meeting of top White House advisers was convened, during which an increasingly agitated Trump demanded to know the origin of the mysterious Obama behemoth.

Trump, who theorized that the gargantuan statue had been placed on the White House grounds by either George Soros or Jeff Bezos, ordered that the imposing monument to his predecessor be torn down and disposed of at once.

Reached by reporters at his home, Obama said that he “wasn’t sure” that he deserved a statue, especially such a large one, but expressed surprise at Trump’s decision to tear it down.

“It’s not like him,” Obama said. “He cares so much about history.”

Obama’s words did little to calm Trump, however, who reportedly ordered the Secret Service to foil any plot to deposit a giant statue of Hillary Clinton on the White House lawn.

Borowitz: Trump to Retaliate Against Russia by Sending Jared to Advise Kremlin on Coronavirus

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an act of retaliation against the Russians for sponsoring Taliban attacks on U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Donald J. Trump is sending Jared Kushner to the Kremlin to offer advice on its coronavirus response, the White House confirmed on Monday.

“To all those who thought that this President was not taking the Russians’ actions seriously, this response should speak for itself,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “The President had an array of responses to choose from, and the one he selected is by far the most punishing.”

According to White House insiders, Trump and his advisers debated the response to the Russians for hours before finally settling on the Kushner option late Sunday night.

“Jared Kushner is the most brutal weapon in our arsenal, and deploying him is a decision that no one should ever take lightly,” one adviser said.

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McEnany indicated that Kushner will be dispatched to the Kremlin by Monday afternoon and will start advising the Kremlin on ventilators, personal protective equipment, and other coronavirus-related matters as early as Tuesday.

“He will bring Russia to its knees,” she said.

Many in Washington were surprised by the severity of Trump’s retaliation against the Russians, including the esteemed virologist Dr. Anthony Fauci.

“I know that the Russians are our enemies, but I’m still not sure I would wish Jared Kushner on them,” he said.


https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-to-retaliate-against-russia-by-sending-jared-kushner-to-advise-kremlin-on-coronavirus-response?utm_source=nl&utm_brand=tny&utm_mailing=TNY_Borowitz_062920&utm_campaign=aud-dev&utm_medium=email&bxid=5be5ca70fbd2976368715f24&cndid=49787632&hasha=22ffff498c4858274348f4b4acc455d6&hashb=599bbf974bf4cade7ccd0536c884e7c4a3ad5d98&hashc=24a04332b8c3582bbccd0342f89e84f1dbcb2b6847011fce0a30cc3f0acd9c66&esrc=article-newsletter&utm_term=TNY_Borowitz

It was ask if there is a Nobel prize for incoherence. No, but there is this...

The Doublespeak Award is an "ironic tribute to public speakers who have perpetuated language that is grossly deceptive, evasive, euphemistic, confusing, or self-centered", i.e. those who have engaged in doublespeak. It has been issued by the National Council of Teachers of English since 1974.

Fat Donnie has already it the one for 2016 AND 2019.

2016 – Donald Trump, for the obfuscation and inconsistency of his statements and proposals in pursuit of the United States presidency. The committee cited his "unique gift of capitalizing on what he labels the dishonesty of his opponent, all while spinning unsubstantiated claims of his own". The five member committee unanimously voted Trump as the champion of the dubious Doublespeak honor, with one member quoted as saying, "I don't think we've ever had a better example of the Doublespeak Award."

2019 – Donald Trump, for perpetuating language that is grossly deceptive, evasive, euphemistic, confusing, and self-centered.

All of the above is direct from Wikipedia, except the Fat Donnie sentence. He is currently tied for the most awards with St. Senile Ronnie and Bush 43. But he's not yet the winner - that's Bush 45.

2003 – George W. Bush, for lying about Iraq's possession of weapons of mass destruction and using those lies as justification for going to war.
2004 – George W. Bush Administration, for the same things as the previous year, for manipulating and forging intelligence data about Iraq, for creating euphemisms to downplay the Abu Ghraib torture and prisoner abuse, and for the Justice Department turning a blind eye to torture authorized by officials in the Bush Administration.
2006 – George W. Bush, for speaking out against poverty and income inequality after having just signed an executive order to permit contractors to employ people below the minimum wage in areas affected by Hurricane Katrina.

(The above also copied from Wikipedia.)

If anyone is making book on the 2020 award, I've got 10 bucks that says BLOTUS wins again this year.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doublespeak_Award

Bolton says trump wanted China's help in reelection

President Trump asked Chinese President Xi Jinping to help him win the 2020 U.S. election, telling Xi during a summit dinner last year that increased agricultural purchases by Beijing from American farmers would aid his electoral prospects, according to a damning new account of life inside the Trump administration by former national security adviser John Bolton.
During a one-on-one meeting at the June 2019 Group of 20 summit in Japan, Xi complained to Trump about China critics in the United States. But Bolton writes in a book scheduled to be released next week that “Trump immediately assumed Xi meant the Democrats. Trump said approvingly that there was great hostility among the Democrats.
“He then, stunningly, turned the conversation to the coming U.S. presidential election, alluding to China’s economic capability to affect the ongoing campaigns, pleading with Xi to ensure he’d win,” Bolton writes. “He stressed the importance of farmers, and increased Chinese purchases of soybeans and wheat in the electoral outcome. I would print Trump’s exact words but the government’s prepublication review process has decided otherwise.”

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-asked-chinas-xi-to-help-him-win-reelection-according-to-bolton-book/2020/06/17/d4ea601c-ad7a-11ea-868b-93d63cd833b2_story.html

Why am I picturing a sieve with a big hole punched in the side?

Burst into flames! NOW!

Re: tRump. In case anyone wondered.

Question about jury service

So there was this post about something that got posted on facebook, and I was asked if it was offensive. Well, yes, I was offended by the thing that was posted on facebook, but the poster basically said "Look at this." I may have reacted too quickly, because I was offended by by the thing on facebook, but I was not offended by the poster.

Disgusting things get posted here all the time. Example: Any picture of Donnie Tiny Hands. I enjoy making fun of him, and enjoy the comments about him that are captioned cleverly. Side note: I enjoy your posts, Ferret, although I had to look up some of the words in your insults.

Should I have clicked so quickly on the "It violates the rule" button because the content offended me but the poster did not?

So the bloviating orange clown says Florida has a surplus of tests..

Florida DUers - is this true? What is your testing experience? I'm really curious.

This maladministration has turned me into a conspiracy theorist. I think all the surplus equipment is being stored at Merde-a-Lardo, being dispensed by Jared to places that send the biggest kickbacks.

It's the shit show with a Foxbot!

It's an orange thing up there lying. And discussing Flynn, the "Democrat" party, and defending sexual misconduct by BLOTUS and Kavanaugh.

This thang is copying Kellyanne - she'll lie about anything.

I can't wait to see SNL.