Of Toxic Bondage

On Tuesday morning I went in for my first dose of chemo and to have my mask fitted for radiation therapy.


First up was my weekly blood work at the lab, complete with visits from the dietitian and the hospital social worker. Both got a little squeamish during the blood draws. They both begged off and said they would see me later.

It was an active morning filled with nurses walking me back and forth between the two treatment clinics, deciding on who would get me first. Sort of a ghoulish popularity contest but you take what you can get.

Radiation won out but only after the Chemo nurses placed my IV. It took 4 sticks to get one going. The death grip I had on the deceptively comfortable lounge chair might have been part of the problem. I was already mad at the chair. When I first sat down the chair reclined back on its own and my feet came out from under me. I can't control a lot of what is happening to me now but I still wanted to control where my feet went - and on the floor was where I wanted them.

At the radiation clinic a very nice woman explained what she and a very nice man were going to do to me. It began by them asking me to remove my shirt and then laying me out on a table connected to the X-Ray. A pillow was placed under my knees and my bra straps and hospital gown were pushed down my shoulders. Once on the table they explained how they were going to place my hands in fluffy cuffs that would be attached to my feet. I had to bend my knees up on the table and they placed a foot hold around each foot. Each foot hold was attached to a cord that was attached to the fluffy cuffs that ended in a loop knot. Once I straightened my legs out the cord would pull against my hands forcing my shoulders down and tightening the fluffy cuffs around my wrists.

Once in position I had to remain as still as possible for the X-Rays.

So here I am not only agreeing to be placed in bondage - I'm the very instrument of my bondage. I don't think they make a safe word for that level of kink. And would I even listen to myself if I shouted out my safe word? Turns out, I wouldn't. They told me to stretch my legs out more to pull the cuffs tighter and I did - again and again. My fingers were numb by the time it was over.

Next up comes the mask. The mesh mask starts out flat and fairly solid. It is washed in a warm bath to soften it up and then this flat piece of mesh is pushed down over your face, stretching to form around your head. My mask includes the tops of my shoulders. Once they get the mesh pressed down to the table there are screws that lock the mesh into place and you can't move your head.

So now I'm hog tied and wearing a mask that brought to mind Hannibal Lecter. Every time one of them would ask me a question I wanted to answer "Yes, Clarice" or "No, Clarice" through the lip binding mesh.

I had to stifle my giggles. The mind goes where the mind goes.

The session ends and I thank them both for a good time. The woman walks me over to Chemo.


While the nurse is getting my various bags ready I tell her about the kinky time over in Radiation and she doesn't stifle her giggles. Which is good since I'm laughing about it with my husband. I've made my peace with the chair... thanks in no small part to the large dose of Benadryl.

I was getting a loading dose and would be there for two hours.

The dietitian shows back up while I'm drifting in and out of sleep. I had slept poorly the night before so a Benadryl induced nap was most welcomed. The dietitian had a lot of info and thankfully she had handouts.

A lot of Do's and Don't's about what I could eat and what things to avoid. I did my best to follow along.

When she got to the part about the bathroom activities that would now require a Hazmat team my eyes popped wide open.

I kid, of course. I won't need to call a Hazmat team - I have to be my own Hazmat team.

Lot of poo-jokes possible there and believe me when I say I thought of a bunch.

I'm still giggling over it.


So, a long day. A day of firsts. A stressful day. A scary day.

But, OH!...a day where I could still laugh.