Why I Officiate at Interfaith Weddings

[rug]

Posted: 04/01/2013 9:43 pm
Rabbi Evan Moffic.
Congregation Solel Rabbi and Writer

Nearly three years ago the world witnessed a seminal moment in American Jewish history. Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of an American President and a Secretary of State, married Jewish American Marc Mezvinsky, who was clad in a tallis (Jewish prayer shawl) and yamakah (traditional headcovering). A rabbi officiated along with a minister. The wedding unabashedly embraced Jewish marriage symbols, and even some of the most traditional rabbis who strongly oppose interfaith marriage acknowledged the power of Marc's open display of Jewish ritual.

Few people outside of a small group of rabbis criticized the interfaith marriage ceremony. The American public and most of the Jewish community have overwhelmingly decided that intermarriage is not a shanda (Yiddish for a scandal or embarassment). Intermarriage is part of the fabric of American Jewish life.

Still, many rabbis resist officiating at interfaith weddings. Some see officiation as giving intermarriage a rabbinic stamp of approval. Others see it as not within their purview of responsibility. Others think it contributes to assimilation and the decline of Jewish life in America.

I see it differently. Part of my job as a rabbi is to embrace interfaith couples and help make Judaism a compelling and important part of their lives. That means being their rabbi at the most sacred moment of life. Here's why:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-evan-moffic/why-i-officiate-at-interfaith-weddings_b_2985914.html

[cbayer]

1. Another article here says that Interfaith marriages in the US are most common among Jews.

I wonder how much of that has to do with those that consider themselves ethnically Jewish but not religiously Jewish.

Anyway, I think this rabbi is doing the right thing and makes a good case for doing it.

[rug]

2. It's probably more a matter of numbers.

Majority groups can more easily marry within their groups than minorities.

[cbayer]

3. Good point.

[Thats my opinion]

4. There are fundamentalist Jews, Christans, Muslems, Buddhists

and every other religious discipline. They have one thing in common. They believe that they hold all the truth, and refuse to have commerce with those who hold other positions--even those in their own faith family.

On the other hand there are religionists who see those of other disciplines not as people climbing the same mountain as they, but as those on pilgrimages along a great chain of mountains--all of which have their internal validly and are true within the various disciplines.

[rug]

5. Whenever I hear somebody say things like that I imagine them trying to contain God in a jar.

[Meshuga]

6. Interfaith marriage is a very controversial topic in the Jewish community

And that is because Judaism is more about continuity than faith. Making Judaism survive is the number one goal so many Jews and Jewish organizations see intermarrying as an affront to Judaism and the end of the line for their family/community.

My rabbi officiates in interfaith weddings and he feels very strongly that the negative reaction to interfaith marriages makes things worse. For example, a UU Church offers a very similar environment to a Reform synagogue yet they are welcoming in officiating at interfaith weddings. If the Reform rabbi snubs a couple who wants to intermarry, the couple will just flip the bird to the synagogue and join the UU church. Who can blame them?

Here is my congregation's statement challenging the Union for Reform Judaism (URJ) on the topic since it is something that needs to be addressed:

Why interfaith marriage should be part of URJ congregational practices:

The goal is Jewish continuity. The critical question is how best to
serve that goal. Numbers increase by addition, not subtraction.

The first imperative is to not foreclose future relationships between
the couple and the Jewish community. Refusing participation in the
wedding may be treated with lifetime resentment by the Jewish partner,
even if the marriage doesn't endure.

Jewish status, especially of the children, is a major concern. There
are two kinds of Jewish status:

Jewish identity, for which there are four pillars: lineality
(either parent) or conversion, Jewish self-identification, Torah
(meaning all of Jewish learning and tradition) as the primary source of
guidance, and the mitzvah system (life cycle and behavior). At least
three pillars are needed.

Status as a ger toshav (literally, a resident stranger, also settled
sojourner or "Friend of the Folk&quot . The non-Jewish partner who
participates in Jewish community activities -- and especially who raises
Jewish children -- has this status, and is thereby included with the
"mixed multitude" that stood at Sinai.

The rabbi must be engaged in the process and should spend extended
time with the couple, explaining Judaism
and the importance of Jewish continuity, and encouraging the couple to
decide how to raise any children that may be born from the union. We must
discourage choices of "neither" and "both." And we must not foresake a
couple that decides to be "non-Jewish."

Our Rabbi, who has many years of experience counseling interfaith
couples, has concluded that a process called "convergence" happens first
("Yes, I can raise a Jewish child&quot . Conversion sometimes comes years
later.

The tone of the marriage is set during the wedding arrangements.
Halachically, the wedding is conducted by the clergy who supervises the
ketubah signing and exchange of rings. The blessings and speeches,
whether by clergy or family, are secondary. Be there, if only for the
Jewish relatives. Openness regarding participation will be remembered and
appreciated by the couple and the Jewish partner's family.

It is misguided, short-sighted, and transparently contradictory to
recruit interfaith married couples but reject the process of marrying
them.

We increase numbers and strengthen the Jewish community by adding
children, gerei toshav, converts, and returnees (whose families
separated from Judaism and who rediscover their roots). And the
non-Jewish partners we tend to get are the best, the real keepers.

[rug]

7. Thanks for the background.

The writer is a Reform rabbi himself.

http://www.solel.org/

[cbayer]

8. In light of what you are saying, is there more objection to a Jewish male marrying

a non-Jewish female than the other way around..

I was seriously dating a Jewish man in my earlier life. His mother essentially ended the relationship by becoming so profoundly depressed that we feared for her life.

I learned at that time that the continuity you speak of is provided by the mother.

And if that is the case, how do more traditional Jews deal with gay or lesbian couples who have children? What is their take on lineage?

[Meshuga]

12. It is all taboo

It is even taboo in some reform circles where continuity can come from the father.

Yet, a Jewish gay couple's wedding is not taboo since they will likely pass the tradition to their kids and maintain the heritage.

The parents of a gay Jew will likely be as dramatic as your former boyfriend's mother if their gay son decides to marry outside the community. They would rather see their grandchildren be raised Jewish to keep the heritage. So the mother of this hypothetical gay Jew will nag for his partner to convert.

A male Jew marring a female non-Jew is probably more of a big deal in the orthodox circles where a Cohen male cannot even marry a convert to Judaism.

[cbayer]

13. Fascinating.

So, it's more acceptable for a child to be gay and marry a same sex partner that is also gay, then to be straight and marry a non-Jew?

What's a Cohen male?

[Meshuga]

15. Assuming that the parents are not against gay marriage, yes.

And that is a safe assumption when it comes to Reform Jews and, for a large part, Conservative Jews. But Orthodox Jews will likely have a problem accepting their gay children's union with other gay Jews and be against marriages they see as non-traditional.

Regarding a Cohen... A Cohen is a descendant of Aaron who qualifies to be a Jewish priest in the holy temple in Jerusalem according to Jewish Law. Orthodox Jews believe that once the temple is restored the Cohenim (plural for Cohen) will go back to performing their priestly duties of sacrificial offerings. And to be able to do the temple priest stuff, Jews who are descendants of temple priests and whose last names are usually Cohen, Cohan, Cowan, Coen, Kahn, Kohen, Kagen, Correia, Katz, etc. will observe some restrictions according to Jewish Law.

One of these restrictions is that a Cohen is not allowed to marry a convert to Judaism. He is allowed to marry a daughter of converts (since she was born Jewish), but not a convert.

[cbayer]

16. I should probably learn more about Judaism.

I have had many Jewish friends throughout my life and did some training at LIJ in NY, but I have really limited knowledge. I think that is because the people I have known and worked with really didn't talk about their religious beliefs or heritage.

I have learned a lot about Shabbat and keeping kosher from a friend with whom I have become quite close over the last 7 years, but the whole Cohen thing is brand new information to me.

Thanks Meshuga!

[Still Blue in PDX]

9. This was a good read.

Once upon a time I wanted to convert to Judaism but, being married to a lapsed Catholic, I couldn't find a rabbi to give me classes. I thought it was the traditional being declined three times to be sure I really meant it, but eventually I got it through my head that they really, really didn't want me.

Twenty years later I still have the husband but my religion is hit or miss.

[cbayer]

10. What were their reasons for not giving you classes? Just because of your wife?

[Still Blue in PDX]

11. Husband, but yes, that was the reason.

They didn't like the whole idea of interfaith marriages.

[Meshuga]

14. I am sorry about that

In most instances, rabbis are not willing to convert someone whose spouse is not interested in converting. Their fear is that the conversion will bring turmoil to the marriage and they don't want to be a part of anything that goes between spouses.

But the rabbi (whom I believe handled your case horribly) should still be open to allow you to at least take classes and to participate in the synagogue, regardless.

If you ask me I would say this rabbi is a jerk.

There is no excuse for not allowing you to participate and to learn in classes.

In any case, you should never join a congregation that doesn't make you feel welcome and I am sure there are other rabbis who would let you join the community and be part of it.