The Orgasm Gap: The Real Reason Women Get Off Less Often Than Men and How to Fix It

[redqueen]

April 3, 2013 |
AlterNet / By Lisa Wade

The Orgasm Gap: The Real Reason Women Get Off Less Often Than Men and How to Fix It

The gap between men’s and women’s frequency of orgasm is impacted by social forces that privilege male pleasure.

According to a large-scale survey of American adults, women have about one orgasm for every three a man enjoys. We call this the "orgasm gap” and it’s been a point of contention since feminists identified it during the heyday of the sexual revolution.

In the U.S. we tend to explain the orgasm gap by suggesting that women's bodies are somehow bad at orgasms. Sigmund Freud infamously posited that women should have orgasms in response to intercourse. If they didn’t, he argued, there was something fundamentally wrong with their sexuality. While his theory has been roundly debunked (as few as 25% of women will routinely have orgasms from intercourse), many female college students who don’t have orgasms this way assume there is something wrong with their sexual response. College students bring some other interesting ideas too. I’ve been asked to confirm if it’s true that women are physically incapable of orgasm before the age of 30. I’ve explained to a truly confused listener why, anatomically speaking, women are unlikely to orgasm from anal sex. I’ve clarified the location of the clitoris ( 30% of women and 25% of men don’t know where it is).

...

Freudian echoes, anatomical mischaracterizations and gender stereotypes are part of the logic naturalizing the orgasm gap, but there is nothing natural about it. We know this because women who sleep with women have many more orgasms than heterosexual women, almost as many as men who sleep with women. Women also have no problem experiencing orgasm through masturbation and the same women who frequently have orgasms during masturbation report many fewer orgasms when they’re with a partner. Men are also not faster to climax than women; it takes women the same amount of time to orgasm during masturbation as it takes men, on average, to have an orgasm through intercourse: four minutes.

Instead of being driven by biology, women’s rate of orgasm relative to men is a function of social forces. For one, we often bifurcate the sexual experience in line with gender norms: men are sexual (they experience desire) and women are sexy (they inspire desire). The focus on men’s internal wants and sensations also draws our attention to his satisfaction. Thus his orgasm, but not necessarily hers, becomes a critical part of what must happen for a sexual encounter to be successful and fulfilling. This is part of why intercourse – a sexual act that is strongly correlated with orgasm for men – is the only act that almost everyone agrees counts as “real sex,” whereas activities that are more likely to produce orgasm in women are considered optional foreplay.

...


http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/orgasm-gap-real-reason-women-get-less-often-men-and-how-fix-it

So glad to see this.

[upaloopa]

1. Communication is your sexual friend.

I think it took women to explain to me what is needed for them to have orgasm. I could have read it in a book but the communication was much better.
And everyone can be different.

[redqueen]

4. Did you read the part about cultural conditioning?

It's so good that this is finally being discussed.

[Helen Reddy]

2. So many reasons I feel blessed

to be a lesbian, count this as reason number 523,498.

[redqueen]

6. Ha! And I feel extremely blessed to have the man I do...

He really cares, I didn't have to wait patiently or explain how anything works.

[Helen Reddy]

7. Good on both of us then.

[Aerows]

12. My thoughts the second I saw this thread

Amen, my Sapphic sister.

[seabeyond]

14. ....

sigh.

how much easier. lol

hey, question for you and thank you for reminding me. so tell me. educate me. there was a thread not long ago, saying you do not want to be called gay. you are a lesbian.

this is my issue. and why i am pissed and now call women gay.

(but i wont anymore cause you are educating me)

men

lol

menz gotta own wimminz sexuality. even women that do not want them. over time and listening to the men on du, how they address and use the term lesbian really started bothering me, as if they own a lesbians sexuality also. and that really pisses me off. cause lesbians should at least not have that issue. so i started calling women gay.

you really do not like it?

[Helen Reddy]

18. I'll attempt an answer.

I believe most Lesbians want to be called Lesbians. The term "Gay" was coined to men because they can't be called "lesbians" right? Both sexes are homosexual however, homosexual men are called Gay, homosexual women are Lesbians.

Remember the L in LGBT. Even Rachel Maddow, who herself is a high profiled Lesbian calls herself "Gay." Nothing she does irritates me, except for this.

Hope this helps.

On edit: I am also old-school, a second waver. There seemed to be more cohesiveness with women a couple of decades ago than there seems to be currently.

[DURHAM D]

42. I agree that it was more cohesive a few decades back

and I think it came as a result of the assumption within the movement that we were expected to play a secondary role to the men. It was the usual women should make coffee not policy struggle. The women pushed back and we had to fight hard to add "lesbian" to the various organization names and mission statements.

That battle has probably stayed with lesbians of a certain age. I guess today women are well placed within the movement so it does not currently seem important. I hope this does not change but given how many battles of the 60s and 70s women are now fighting over again it would not surprise me for issues to cycle back.

Does it bother you that today the movement seems to be ONLY about marriage equality?

[Helen Reddy]

43. Only a bit.

I personally do not believe in the state getting their noses in my business. (that way) In my family, we both have a will, a living trust and other LEGAL papers in order.

I do think that SS bennies, pensions and other financial interests could be made without the gubmint getting involved.

Marriage equality is obviously important to many Lesbians and Gay men, but to me, being born a woman is still the mightier struggle (in my big picture)

I am a woman first.

[DURHAM D]

46. I completely agree with you on what comes first.

I have always said I am a feminist first and the rest comes second. This often makes some people mad so I am careful who I say it to.

My question re: marriage equality is that it may soon (fairly soon) be a reality. When that happens the LGBTQ movement will fall apart as most of the men move off. The movement will then need to rebuild to work on issues like employment discrimination and we will be on our own.

ETA: I think I am a lot older than you are and find these conversations really interesting.

[Helen Reddy]

47. I just knew you were older.

Isn't that you holding the sign (on the right) on your avatar? LOL

I know, I know. I'm a little stinker.

[DURHAM D]

49. That is my grandmother Ethel.

Well not really but it could be... She was a suffragist but in the pictures she is always dressed all in white and walking with a toddler (my Dad) also dressed all in white. I always thinks about the laundry and how impractical that was.

[Helen Reddy]

48. ....

I have extremely strong feelings on that issue, but understanding the climate here at DU, my personal observations will be kept muted.

[seabeyond]

50. i like how you say it. it is an honored name. i get that now. i was getting pieces from helen

especially with more info. but i do understand. thank you

[DURHAM D]

51. Thank you sea. nt

[seabeyond]

54. still pisses me off men attempting to do the same with lesbian sexuality as they do with ours, so...

i guess i will be that wicked ole man hater and go after the men, not redefine you. cause, i so get the importance of your accomplishment.

[mike_c]

3. as long as sex is an awkward or taboo topic...

...this sort of knowledge will be buried by ignorance and clumsiness in intimacy. Many men spend a significant portion of their sexually active life learning this, and that's only if they're paying attention. I presume that's true for women, too. We perpetuate misunderstanding and ignorance, especially while young-- precisely when we need knowledge and empathy the most.

[redqueen]

5. It is tragic that so many women get the idea that they should expect an orgasm

From intercourse, let alone anal sex.

I don't think its that anything is taboo, I think its the deluge of misinformation that is out there.

[ZombieHorde]

8. Hmmm...the easiest way for a guy to give a woman an O is usually through

oral sex. Works like a charm, in my experience. Part of me thinks decent oral sex methods would be a good thing to teach in school, but part of me thinks this might be a bad idea too.

[redqueen]

9. I agree that's the most reliable way...

I think some people are interested and considerate lovers and some aren't. There are copious amounts of guides and suggestions and advice columns and tips out there... one either cares or one doesn't. But the cultural idea that intercourse is the real deal and everything else is extra has to go. If a guy expects his partner to get off that way, and she's been indoctrinated by years of cultural conditioning that its bad to speak up for her own desires and that she's supposed to be satisfied enough by pleasing him.. well, we see where that leads.

[ismnotwasm]

10. Thank you

I'm at work, I'll come back and read this.

[redqueen]

11. Timely, yes?

One disappointing finding is that the Madonna/whore shit is still alive and well.

[Aerows]

13. Still alive and well?

It's still prevalent and until we reform society away from ritualistic misogyny through religion, it will ever be so. Islam and Christianity are not so different.

[redqueen]

15. Patriarchy is the foundation of the misogyny in society, which includes religions.

Including Buddhism. It's everywhere, woven into the fabric of culture worldwide. Even in atheism.

There are exceedingly few exceptions, though I have read of one or two.

We can't reform misogynist out of religion and expect that to change society. It has to be the other way around.

[Aerows]

16. It's a hell of a good place to start

My .02

[redqueen]

17. To me it seems like emptying the boat of water, while smashing patriarchy is fixing the leak.

Both are important, one is more urgent. My .02

[Aerows]

19. The two are intrisincally entertwined

you can bail water all day long, but until you fix the leak AND stop running into the rocks that caused the leak in the first place (religion), you get nowhere. It's a two-fold problem, and we could go back and forth about which came first, the chicken or the egg, but there it is.

[redqueen]

20. Religion didn't cause patriarchy.

Patriarchy is evident in most primates. Larger males and smaller females often results in domination. Might makes right and all that. So when men set up their religions, well of course they wrote in the part where god meant it to be that way.

[Aerows]

22. So you justify it

by those very thoughts by saying that the larger result in domination. Religion could have gone a long way by saying that we are all people, instead of exclaiming man as the ruler, when in fact, in many species, women are the rulers.

Biology is a very interesting subject, and it reveals that what religion teaches as "truth" isn't really the truth. Even in "dumb" animals, females often rule the colony, the pride, the gaggle, and the pack. Religion teaches you that you should ignore such ideas as anomalies.

Because they aren't anomalies, except with those with a patriarchal agenda. Religion teaches you that anomalies such as a man ruling over a woman should be the foundation of society. That isn't culture, because cultures throughout history have believed differently. It is when religion, property ownership and lineage get involved, that's when misogyny flourishes.

[redqueen]

24. What am I justifying? nt

[Aerows]

26. I explained

That wasn't an attack. That was an opening of dialogue. I'd like your response to the rest of the post.

[Aerows]

27. By the way

There are several species of primates where patriarchy is not prevalent. Look at Bonobo monkeys as a start.

[redqueen]

29. I said "Patriarchy is evident in most primates." Most. The majority.

And the exceptions don't have religion teaching them not to do it, so what does that tell you?

There are a few cultures throughout history which have not been patriarchal. Very few. IMO religion was not the cause of that situation, it was the result.

IMO patriarchy is the root of women's oppression. You obviously consider it to be religion. So be it, agree to disagree.

[Aerows]

34. One is not less significant than the other

or should we strive to be part of the more tolerant, or strive to be part of the more "popular"?

[wryter2000]

39. Tiny correction: Bonobos are apes, not monkeys

Sorry...just a little thing that bugs me. It's like anti-Darwinists saying "I'm not related to a monkey." Humans aren't closely related to monkeys but are to great apes.

[Aerows]

40. Why thank you for pointing out that correction

You are correct, they are more closely related to humans, and I am thankful you pointed out my error.

(and that wasn't sarcasm, merely amplification of my point). So thank you.

[wryter2000]

44. You're welcome

I hate to nitpick. I'm glad you took no offense.

[Aerows]

45. I'm pretty straightforward

but since I'm an engineer, I prone to nitpickery LOL.

[Aerows]

21. A thought

Where do you think the Madonna/Whore theory originally started in our society? Pope John Paul II pushed the idea of Mother Mary as the ideal of women.

That is where I believe a lot of the Madonna/Whore idea comes from, and it stems from back to the "Apostle" Paul who was a horrible misogynist. He's the one that wrote all the books that condemn women and makes veiled threats towards homosexuality.

And who was that translated by, and became a significant portion of our current culture? Men in religious sects. Separating the two is like dividing salt from sea water without the benefit of osmosis or sunlight (heat).

[redqueen]

23. That is an excellent point.

There are many aspects of patriarchy which were indeed most likely precipitated by religiion.

Now that so many people are secular the Madonna/whore idea has become the hook-up/girlfriend idea.

Other ideas, such as that of women being 'unclean', might stem from times before religion, when primitive men decided menstrual blood had to mean something was wrong with women.

It's all guesswork now of course, interesting from an academic standpoint though. However the vile misogyny in the atheist movement causes me to focus on the P more than religion.

[Aerows]

25. I don't know what atheists

you are listening to, but the Torah/Old Testament/Abrahamic religions that are the foundations of the big three stated that women were unclean during their menstruation and should be segregated to a different place until they were clean.

How old is that? That's nothing new. That's as ancient as it gets.

Pagans could rightly be called atheists, and I'm not seeing any of them chiming in with vile misogyny, but please, feel free to offer examples. I welcome them.

I read an excellent book in my 20's when I was coming out called "Another Mother Tongue" that was about the different foundations of culture in regards to homosexuality. It also applies in regard to feminism, because in many cultures, there wasn't a distinction between who ruled the roost, it was people forming society. That's an anathema to today's cultural standards, because we are so indoctrinated by "how things must be" on the basis of religion. YOU might not be so, but I can guarantee that 6 out of 10 people around you are, so it's a drop in the bucket to try to change society without waking people up about religion and the things you were taught as "true" by religion.

[redqueen]

30. Richard Dawkins and many of his supporters, The Amazing Atheist and many of his supporters,

etc. etc. etc.

[Aerows]

33. Well, seize on an example

There are horrible examples in feminism, too. It doesn't tar us all with the same brush.

[redqueen]

35. No, it shows we are human, and subject to human failings.

Failings which have absolutely nothing to do with religion.

[Aerows]

36. Certain religions

can help you along the way faster than anything. I was raised in Southern Baptist country. I went to Catholic school for education.

I have my own ideas, as I'm sure you have yours, but I stand by the idea that religion does great harm in any attempt for women to achieve equality. You and I can argue that until the cows come home, but you will never convince me that religion has not been inherently harmful to women - it's lead by men, laws are dictated by men, rules dictated by men, and sanctity is dictated by men.

That's patriarchy, institutionalized.

[riqster]

28. I always figured it was because so many men

...don't, if you'll pardon the pun, know what the f*** they're doing.

[Aerows]

31. Too busy playing with the ball

to figure out what to do with the bat.

[redqueen]

32. Haha, well, but why though?

Why is the idea that women should be satisfied with little or no attention to activities which get them off, i.e. from intercourse alone.

[riqster]

37. Lots of my fellow males are clueless, insensitive dolts

I figure that's why. Myself, I'm just clueless. But I do pay attention to my wife, and have become somewhat educated.

[redqueen]

38. I think just like the many women who think there's something wrong with them

if they dont get off from intercourse, they're just getting bad information... surely some are just bad and inconsiderate lovers, but many probably just never think to question what they've come to understand as reality as far as sex goes.

[wryter2000]

41. I'm sure she's enjoying your education

It took my husband and me a bit to discover what worked best. It was definitely worth the effort.

[riqster]

57. I enjoy it too.

Communication is everything.

[Bennyboy]

52. I am going to guess that is due to mastubation.....

Guys are chronic masturbators.

Women are not.

[seabeyond]

55. i am not... ????

hm.

thanks. didnt know. go figure. thanks, for telling me.

well, i guess it is all in the definition of what "chronic" is.

booze. get too loose with my fingers.

[redqueen]

58. Did you read the article? nt

[MrSlayer]

53. Women get multis, we get one at a time.

If the the ratio isn't at least even over a period of time, someone isn't doing something right.

Personally, I feel like I get cheated on this deal.

[seabeyond]

56. this is the perspective i sit in. but then, i insist. lol. we have had this come up in the past.

[redqueen]

59. How many women do you think have multiple orgasms?

Out of those women, how many do you think experience this on a regular basis?

Did you read the article?

[MrSlayer]

60. Not enough, on both accounts.

I'm merely speaking from my own experience.