I am in an emotional overload, and I dread the rest

[get the red out]

I have had just about the worst weekend in 20 years, doing something that's supposed to be enjoyable, but because I am not "normal", and can't keep disappointment and frustration to myself I have allowed myself to be horrifically humiliated by my reaction to stress and frustration. I am still in the emotional overload point where I have been having some suicide ideation most of the day, but for now am just, blessedly numb. What I dread is when the damned OCD kicks in and I replay the humiliating events of the weekend over and over and over with running mental commentary about how I shouldn't be trying new things, as abnormal as I am, how I shouldn't be around good people, how I don't deserve anything in this world. Thank God I'm off work tomorrow. My poor husband, despite his own Bi-polar illness, can't comprehend my mental self-torment.

[LiberalEsto]

1. Yikes, that sounds awful

Here's a hug

I hope tomorrow is better for you.

[get the red out]

4. Thank you

The hugs help when I feel this lost.

[elleng]

2. HUGS!

Can you take/receive something for anxiety? I do, and allows rest.

[get the red out]

3. I am on anti-depressants

The one I am on is supposed to also help with anxiety. I have taken some herbal stuff today, I think I would have just lost my mind without it, I caught myself driving home from Louisville on I64 going 93 MPH in my Honda Insight, I took some herbal stuff and was able to sleep for a while when I got home.

I was wondering if I should go see my Dr. soon. It is a real consideration.

Thank you for responding. I feel like I try so hard to do things, learn things, fit in, and I'm still that strange kid in the neighborhood that can only humiliate herself and secretly wish to vanish.

[elleng]

5. Sounds to me that you should see your Dr. soon,

and find out whether you could include anti-anxiety med with anti-depression. Folks here will have better info than I do. I took anti-depression meds for a few years, stopped them with an AH HA experience, but now benefit from anti-anxiety med for 'situational' anxiety.

We're here to respond, and many here have lots of experiences to share.

[mopinko]

6. it's that mental tape loop that get ya.

been frustrated and a little overwhelmed by all that is going on in my life right now, even tho it is good stuff. it's just a lot, and it's hard.
i get tired, i get depressed and ancient old issues rise from the dead and try to turn everything to crap.


i would say see the doc.

[get the red out]

7. Thank you so much

It helped just seeing someone get the mental tape loop problem. It is my personal hell since I was a little kid. I can't image the Religious version could be that much worse. My self hatred has exploded into action and I can't look at myself in mirrors, I hold my head down to wash my hands.

Yes, I should bite the bullet and see the Doc.

[mopinko]

8. you are suffering

you don't deserve to suffer. do what you can to end your suffering.
docs aren't always helpful, drugs don't always work, but try. you deserve to feel better.

[fizzgig]

9. it's so hard when the committee gets to yammering

and I know how hard it is to get them to just shut up. I second the suggestion of talking to your doc about some anti-anxiety mess.

for now, just be as gentle as you can with yourself. you don't deserve to beat yourself up. I hope you feel better soon

[Stuart G]

10. I got me a committe too.

I tell them to go home, far away from me..
..they take a brake and come again..

especially not deserving..so..the committee are liars..
I still beleive them..so I need to "change the channel"..even if it is to ...
a much quieter committee of lessors..............still .....not the best...
but less...then maybe a hot bath or shower...maybe quiet music...maybe

some times these ideas work,
some times no....but try another idea...
maybe a call to a friend....all I got to say..
I got a one too...and they do not tell me the truth........

[olddots]

11. You are around good people because you are a good person

you are not a diagnosis or stereotype you are you and sensitive in a world that seems to be anti sensitive.

see the doc if you are comfortable with telling them how you feel and don't hold back if you do you stay in this spot that is so lonely.

We are here with you .

[get the red out]

12. Thank you all

So far the worst rumination hasn't hit. I received wonderful support here in this group and I am very grateful. I was fortunate and received support from my husband, a good friend, and some "normal" people I know who, while knowing my overloaded behavior wasn't great, thought the treatment I received in turn was really, really bad and uncalled for. That eased the self-hatred just enough that I could carry on with some routine activities and not completely mentally shut down into horrible ruminations (what I was so afraid was coming on). Still not able to deal with mirrors much, but at least I am functional.

I do need to speak with my Dr about how extreme anxiety affects me, these reactions make me wonder if I can ever truly walk around like a normal person without worrying about bad situations.