My nightmare: "I want a divorce"

[derby378]

I had a rather hideous nightmare last night. My mind is mercifully trying to smother it out, but the very end of it woke me up in the middle of the night, and I couldn't get any more sleep after that.

All I remember in this dream was that my wife and I were planning something special just for ourselves, but it all went to hell in spectacular fashion, I was distraught, she was pissed off at me for being distraught, and we sat down and tried to talk out what had happened to us in order to put the ordeal behind us and continue on with our marriage. Just when it seemed like there was light at the end of the tunnel, that's when ChickMagic hit me with the unthinkable line: "I want a divorce."

I woke up with cold feet and crumpled bedsheets, and barely enough motivation to fix the bedding. This was truly depressing.

After a couple of hours of just lying in bed, I lurched into the shower, caught the morning news, hit the rush hour commute on the way to work, and meandered through the day struggling with a slow computer network and a copier that liked to leave smudges on paper. But the aftereffects of the nightmare and resulting sleeplessness dogged me all morning long.

Is it weird that I should be having this dream despite the fact that ChickMagic passed away almost three years ago? I'm having trouble wrapping my weary mind around this.

[Tobin S.]

1. It sounds like one part of you is clinging to the memory of your wife

and another part of you is telling you to let her go.

[derby378]

4. Here's the weird part

To me, letting her go sounds the same as forgetting her, which just seems inhuman. Ginny was a part of my life ever since 1986, and we were married for a little over 10 years before she passed away. Considering all she's been through in life (ovarian cancer, rape, abusive first husband, loss of siblings to cancer and epilepsy), she deserves to be honored. On the other hand, Ginny would joke with me about what sort of "sweet young thing" I was going to run away with once she had passed on. That question always shocked me, because I just assumed we were going to grow old together.

[Baitball Blogger]

5. Very good.

I would go a step further and say, since it's ChickMagic that is asking for the divorce, it's his mind playing tough love and telling him that she would have wanted him to move on.

[In_The_Wind]

12. Excellent point.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. each person grieves at their own time and in their own way. it is a very personal process, I think -

sounds like it is still fresh to you.

maybe you are going through something right now that you really wish you could talk with her about ...??




good to see you, derby378

[derby378]

7. Sometimes it's still fresh, this is true

It has eased up over time, though. You should have seen me when I crumpled to the ground in wracking, uncontrollable sobs after showing a picture of Ginny to some old friends I was reconnecting with. That was a little over a year after her passing. I promise I'm doing much better now.

I think most married couples accumulate some baggage that needs to be dealt with from time to time, and we were no exception. Too many unrealized plans and dreams. I mourned not only what we had and who we were, but also what could have been if we just had a little more time.

back atcha.

[struggle4progress]

3. ouch. your loss hurt you as bad as a divorce would have

[derby378]

9. Worse!

At least some couples are somehow able to remain friends after a divorce, even if the relationship is a bit strained.

[In_The_Wind]

6. Perhaps your dream is a way of trying to let yourself be free to love again.

We all need to find a way to go on with our life.

I wish you a pleasant night tonight, derby378.

[Tobin S.]

10. I think that's the case, too.

You said it better than I did.

[derby378]

11. I'm open to the concept of dating again...

...but the handful of women I'd be interested in appear to be spoken for already. I could be wrong, and I do try to meet new people when I get the chance.

But you're right - Ginny would want me to find love again.

[In_The_Wind]

14. Starting to date again isn't easy at any age.

At our age there are many widows/widowers gently looking for companionship.

You sound like a very special man. You might find someone to share your time with here on DU.

There is no rush. Go out for walks at a Botanical Garden. You'll enjoy the fresh air.

[Hoyt]

15. Normally, I'd never admit this, but our circumstances are similar-

My wife passed away a little over 4 years ago, unexpectedly. I also reached a significant older age milestone, figuring I'd never meet anyone. I was OK with that to a degree. Ain't quick enough to make a connection with most ladies at first meeting, so I sucked it up and joined Match . com. I've met a cool lady that I never would otherwise. It was somewhat weird, but was a really good fit for my lifestyle.

I still get this feeling that it is disrespectful or something to Jane, but in my head I know it's not. Plus I'm the one left to deal with this crazy, unpredictable life.

Anyway, good luck. There are some good responses above.

[Kali]

8. no clue about the meanings of dreams

but I know they can cause powerful emotional reactions. sorry you had such an upsetting night.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

16. It's

just a dream

[harmonicon]

18. seconded.

Crazy shit goes on in dreams. Maybe Antonin Artaud would have an idea about what this means, but most of us just have to live in the mystery. Anything can stand for anything else.

[Major Nikon]

17. My dad passed away in '96 and I still have vivid dreams about him

I don't remember ever having a dream about him when he was alive. I think that when you think about someone often that is gone, it's not surprising that their memory is going to invade your subconscience.

[orleans]

19. well, i'm big on the "woo woo" stuff

and a "visitation" dream is usually a dream that feels pretty real--and it's one you don't forget. they are outstanding and have a big effect on us.

my take:
if it was a visitation dream
she knows you aren't "getting on" with your life maybe as quickly as she would like for you too. she knows as long as you're still married to her you're not open to finding/meeting someone. so her words were meant to be a catalyst that would set you free.

and rather than saying "i think it's time for you to start moving on, hon" she said it bluntly so you weren't too likely to forget hearing it.

i'd probably talk to her (out loud--when i'm alone), tell her if that was really her trying to get me to move on a bit then i want her to give me a sign. and then i'd open my mind and my eyes and start paying attention and see if she doesn't give me a sign within the next week or so. maybe even by sending a special person my way.

anyway--that's my take from the "woo woo" corner.

[mnhtnbb]

20. I don't think it's a weird dream at all. Significant, yes. Weird, no.

I read it, read all the comments, went back and read it again.

It feels to me like not only does ChickMagic want you to be free to move on but that
she wants you to also let go of her so she can move on. OK, I know that may sound more
weird than your dream, but it comes down to believing that we humans have an 'energy'
for want of calling it something else (soul?) that survives bodily death. And to me,
the dream means that ChickMagic recognizes that you both have energy that needs
to be formally separated.

Divorce changes a relationship. It doesn't mean it never existed or devalue what it
was while it existed as 'marriage'. It just means that the romantic, intimate nature of it
has changed. ChickMagic's death may not have changed your relationship as much
as divorce would change it.

That's my take on the meaning of your dream. I wish you all the best.

[lunatica]

21. All the characters in your dreams are really different emotions of yourself

Think of it as you being distraught and you telling yourself you want a divorce. It wasn't ChickMagic who was there. It was that emotional part of you that represents ChickMagic in your sub-conscious. Dreams are about processing life on a sub-conscious level. Ask yourself what it is you are trying to tell yourself because it's all you in your dreams.

Maybe part of you is trying to shock you into moving on at some level. Maybe you owe it to yourself to elevate ChickMagic out of the bottom floor of grief and into the top floor of joyous and thankful memories. If she is worth feeling this much grief for then she's definitely worth feeling the gratitude and joy and thankfulness of having had her in your life.

If I'm off the mark just tell me to get lost. But my intentions are the very best.

[derby378]

22. Thank you, everyone

There's a lot to absorb in the responses you've given me, and I appreciate all the feedback and support.

[hedgehog]

23. Be kind to yourself today - sometimes the sleeping mind plays nasty tricks on us.