Last edited Tue Apr 30, 2013, 09:50 PM - Edit history (2)
hurry up, I don't have all day!" He yelled it at C3PO. They were on the forest moon of Endor, though this was many years after the real heroes of the galaxy had been there to destroy the second death star. And those real heroes were now doing what they needed to do to become true heroes to the citizens of the galaxy - the genocide of the Ewoks. Leia, Han, and Luke had been absolutely disgusted by the creepy things. Sure, they respected all life forms. Especially Luke, since he was a Jedi. But nothing in the Jedi code, or even in the code of people who fought against the evil Emperor, would insinuate that such filthy lice-carrying stains on the evolutionary ladder of life should be allowed to live. They had served a purpose, so while they helped to fight the stormtroopers our band of heroes were willing to not commit genocide, but as is the right thing to do in the universe, they were no longer useful and the forest moon really ought to be made into a home for some kind of worthy, decent life form that didn't say "jub jub" and sit like children.
And so Pete Pyrotechnic was sent to do the job that all people of good hearts know they might be called to do some day. He relished the chance to make the galaxy a better place. They had been slaughtering clones, stormtroopers, and other remnants of the Empire, in which Pete excelled. he really proved himself in his mission to denude Naboo of the also filthy Gungans, earning the rank of General for that good work, and also a night of shagging Natalie Portman. This was just the job for Pete.
"How I hate even pictures of these blasphemous abominations to all that is good! Damn the God Lucas for creating these! Sure they helped in the battle to take down the shield that was protecting the second death star! Sure they provided food and supplies for our heroes and knew where the back door was to the power station! But they also only did so because they were too goddamn stupid to realize that C3PO is not a god and so followed his orders!" he thought to himself. He always thought in exclamatory, and sometimes expository, prose. Sometimes he would think in rhyming haiku couplets, but that was usually only when he was raping the carcasses of tontons or womp rats.
"What the hell is C3PO doing, anyway?! Why isn't he doing what I told him?!" he exclaimed and exposited in his head.
C3PO silently pulled the head off another ewok, dropping it from the bridge to the forest floor to join the enormous pile of heads and bodies already there. "I am a god to you filth!" he thought to himself, "And I have power of life - and therefore death!" Another head. And another. And another. C3PO was stained bright crimson red from the torrent of blood that had sprayed on him. He grabbed a child ewok, and as he and Pete had done a hundred times before, he offered it to its mother and told her that if she ate it, he would spare her life. Like the living filth that the ewok are, even the mothers, she greedily feasted on the child's still-living flesh, biting off huge chunks as the imbecile screamed in pain and non-understanding.
Pete watched. "God, I love when they do that!" he thought. "Now wait for it... wait for it... wait for it...!" he silently said to himself anticipating the moment of hilarity that was soon to come.
The mother ewok lifted the mostly meatless bones of her child to C3PO as a sacramental offering to her god. C3PO grabbed it from her in disgust, and jammed its thigh bones into each of her eyes, spraying blood everywhere. he smashed her chin against his knee, shattering her jaw in a spray of teeth and blood, and thrust her child's ulna into the back of her neck, right at the brain stem (if they can be said to have brains), causing unquantifiable levels of pain. "You are as disgusting as all your animal brothers and sisters, you filth", he screamed metallically at her as he ripped her head off, pulling out her spine with it. He strangled the nearest ewok with her spinal column and shoved her nerve bundle into its mouth. He wasn't sure which action choked the awful thing to death, he only knew that he was glad beyond measure when it died.
"But fun as this is!" Pete thought, "It is an inefficient way to kill them all! He can't strangle and behead them fast enough to keep up with their birthrate!" The time for the bomb was at hand. But they would have to be far away before the exploded it. Luke also wanted to watch it live, so the cameras would need to be placed.
Realizing that C3PO was not going to help, Pete figured he could do it on his own. He placed the bomb and then put cameras all over the ewoks tree houses so that Luke could watch the death from thousands of angles and over tens of thousands of square kilometers.
He finished. "It is finished!" he exclaimed to himself. "Now to get C3PO!"
But first, an especially grotesquely overweight and stupid ewok wobbled over to him. He kicked it in the stomach, driving the point of his foot up under the sternum into its heart, killing it. He took a pitchfork to the carcass, not stopping until was completely unidentifiable as even having been a living thing except for the hair on the mound of sick goo.
He walked over to C3PO, tapped his shoulder, and nodded toward the shuttle with the detonator in his hand to show the droid that they were ready. C3PO nodded acknowledgment, pointed to the still-living ewok in his hand as though to say "As soon as I am finished, boss". He flipped it over and shoved his arm through the ewok's anus, breaking through intestinal walls and the stomach and ripping blood vessels and who knows what other internal damage, until the thing was done gasping and struggling to hold on to the dear life that it had to know it was going to lose.
As they lifted off in the shuttle, Pete was at the helm while C3PO went back to check the feed from the cameras and have a final communication with his master, Luke. "Don't forget your orders, C3PO," he said. "And why are you red?" he asked. Stoically, the droid walked to the cockpit and coming up on Pete from behind, he snapped the human's neck. He touched the communicator. "Mission one is completed, Master Luke, as you can see. I am now ready to complete mission two."
"You're sure the cameras will catch everything, C3PO?"
"Absolutely, sir. I even made some special modifications of my own to the system."
"Excellent."
C3PO picked up the detonator so Luke could see that C3PO was ready to rid the galaxy of the ewoks.
"With this souped-up communication system, sir, and that bottle of liquid smoke I gave you to simulate the scent of this cleansing - which bottle you should open now - you will be able to smell, listen to, and watch this!"
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