The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsI don't see the point of going to the gym anymore
It's not like anybody cares what I look like. They're not interested in me now; why shouldn't I just eat whatever the hell I want and not exercise?
Six months of being "on the market" and not one nibble.
Not that I want to date anyway. Everything always ends, painfully, usually. I really don't want to set myself for more disappointment and pain, which is all that ever happens.
So, no, better to be lonely than to love somebody only to lose them one way or another.
HipChick
(25,485 posts)I hadn't had a date in a decade, just focused on my job.....
I am up at 5am...hit the gym...back last thing at night...I'm a gym rat
Focus on you,loving yourself..the rest will follow..
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I long ago learned that there is no early way I will get up early for anything.
Now that it's spring, the birds start singing at 4! I can't keep the windows open because they wake me up.
Quantess
(27,630 posts)If that were the rule, I would never exercise. I'm a night runner.
Phentex
(16,330 posts)You sound like you aren't ready to be with someone else just yet and that's okay.
But exercise is important for your well being so don't give that up!
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I can't get past that fact. I cannot love exercising (and I've tried ALL kinds) no matter what I do.
GaYellowDawg
(4,443 posts)I dislike exercise, for the most part. It's because it hurts. I was a very active kid and teenager, and loved to play outside for hours on end. Then I got a little out of shape, and it wasn't as much fun because I couldn't do as well. Then I got a LOT out of shape, and it hurts.
I understand about the whole on the market thing, too. I've probably spent less time in my life in relationships than George Bush has in deep thought.
What I decided to do a couple of weeks ago was that I was going to improve the quality of my life. I want to be better at my job, and treat myself better. So I do some kind of housework every day, and look for ways to work better, and I do about a 15 minute workout. It's 4 exercises with an exercise band. It's cheap, I do it in private, and although I don't like the exercise, I do like the feeling that I've done something for myself.
No matter what the dating market does to you, you are special. You have intrinsic worth as a human being. You're worth treating yourself well, if that makes sense. I think if you can manage to look at yourself that way, you'll be happier. I'm trying it; I have quite a low self-image, but I've found that I like the idea of treating myself how I would treat someone else in my situation.
Good luck. I hope you can come back on here in the future and talk about how happy you are. Best wishes in your direction.
hlthe2b
(101,730 posts)just sayin.... You sort of have to first love/care for yourself.
As to the aspects of dating once you are past your teens/twenties, I got nothing... It surely sucks.
alarimer
(16,245 posts)Which are the worst ones.
Dash87
(3,220 posts)Did you try online dating?
alarimer
(16,245 posts)Very few responses at several sites. Maybe three all together and nobody that I would be remotely interested in.
Dyedinthewoolliberal
(15,485 posts)stop being a victim!
Instead of waiting for someone you are attracted to to find you on those sites, go out and find a hobby or a cause and get involved. You might meet someone that way and if you do, in this day and age, you can make the first move and invite, or at least suggest, coffee etc to get things started.
You can do it!
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I simply cannot do it.
Dyedinthewoolliberal
(15,485 posts)a hobby or cause to volunteer for?
LeftofObama
(4,243 posts)then no, you probably shouldn't be going. Do it for your health.
6 months? Try 6 years! I've been trying to help take care of my elderly mom and between that and my own issues I haven't had time to do anything else. I won't stop going to the gym and working out though. Sometimes I think it's the only thing that keeps me sane.
alarimer
(16,245 posts)And not getting anything in return. The only possible conclusion is that they are not interested in me.
I'm past my sell-by date or something.
LeftofObama
(4,243 posts)Sometimes (and I'm not saying this is you necessarily) when people are actively looking for a relationship they give off a negative vibe. When you stop looking and just go about your business, people who are not normally interested in you sometimes will suddenly start to notice you.
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I wouldn't want to date anyone who lives here. Right-wing rednecks, the lot of them. I do think my location has something to do with the lack of action. I'm well-educated and many of the individuals whose profiles I read (that were local or within 50 miles) could barely spell.
And yes, I am a snob when it comes to that sort of thing. If I just want to have a good time, that would be one thing.
In any case, I've made up my mind to move soon to a place I like better. No more than one more year here, so there's no point in dating anyone anyway. I don't want to get stuck here.
HipChick
(25,485 posts)I took a job that I had to travel for..
I met so many people, airports,planes, hotels....turn the positive up
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I do get to travel some, for meetings. The problem is, I see the same people at all of them because we're all on the same committees. It's not very frequent, though I am going to be in Raleigh three times over the next month or so.
bigwillq
(72,790 posts)There's so many benefits from doing it.
Don't give up.
Sekhmets Daughter
(7,515 posts)Most of the good things that happen in life come unexpectedly...when we not focused on them. Relax, there must be some form of exercise you would enjoy...forget about finding someone. Go about living your life and let them find you!
alarimer
(16,245 posts)The shy and socially awkward. I never go out anywhere where I don't know at least one other person.
Sekhmets Daughter
(7,515 posts)I was shy when I was much younger. A psychology professor explained that, in her opinion, shyness is due to self-absorption. The shy are so focused on themselves, they never see the other shy people in the room. Thinking about her words made me realize that, at least in my case, she had a valid point. I began focusing on those who were even more shy than myself. It worked, before I knew it I no longer refused to meet new people or make new friends. It was amazing.
When I married I was placed in a situation wherein I was constantly meeting new people, expected to enter a room full of hundreds of strangers and make everyone feel welcomed and at ease. The last of the shyness pretty much went out the door.
The thing about attraction between or among the sexes is that initially it is always superficial. People are attracted to the people others are attracted to. Focus on others, they will appreciate your attention. Soon others will be focusing on you.
Cheer up...
alarimer
(16,245 posts)It may be more social phobia than anything else.
I simply cannot take a chance. On anything, come to think of it. But especially on people. They have rejected me my whole life for one reason or another. I just keep seeing the inevitable heartbreak happening.
Sekhmets Daughter
(7,515 posts)If that's how you choose to lead your life, so be it. But remember....the choice is yours.
Response to alarimer (Original post)
Moondog This message was self-deleted by its author.
Tuesday Afternoon
(56,912 posts)if you don't nobody else will. that simple.
hang in there alarimer
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I know I should do it; I just don't want to.
Tuesday Afternoon
(56,912 posts)Just Do It !! do it in spite of it all.
RKP5637
(67,032 posts)mythology
(9,527 posts)fuck everybody else.
As somebody who at 31 has long given up the notion that anybody is going to find me attractive (hell, even my mom admits I outgrew my cute phase), and who has multiple surgery scars on both knees, I find a reason to exercise. First it was because parking at work was expensive, so I began biking, then I took up a martial art, partially because it was free to start, and partially because I like the idea of having it be okay to sometimes take out some physical frustration on others. There's not quite as satisfying as being angry with somebody and showing them, that yes, I could have just kicked you in the face, or if I'm in a crappy enough mood, dropping them on their ass.
Personally I never go to a traditional gym. I train capoeira, parkour and gymnastics because the idea of how to flow appeals to me. As a result, I probably can't bench press as much as somebody who spends hours in a gym, but I can do things physically I never thought I could. And I have found some people I consider very good friends because of it. I don't have to date them to develop a relationship that is worthwhile.
I find that exercise helps with my depressive moods. Whether it's through getting something new, or just pushing myself into exhaustion so I can sleep better, or even just becoming more consistent.
Don't change yourself to try to make some unknown random person happy. You'll forever be chasing a goal that can't be met. Find what makes you happy and do that. Maybe it's not exercise, but is instead doing something artistic or reading or whatever. If you meet somebody compatible, you do, but let that just be a bonus.
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I had a bad patch for a while where I thought I might get a bad review but things are going better there.
Still, I come home exhausted. I have no idea why because I sit behind a desk all day.
I am speaking with my ex again, or at least I was. Now he's not returning my calls. He was supposed to go visit some of his family in a few weeks and we talked about getting together. Now, I'm apparently getting the brushoff. I was hopeful (or delusional, if you prefer) of getting back together. Now I don't know.
Incitatus
(5,317 posts)but I do like how the exercise and way I eat makes me feel healthy, energetic and happier than when I wasn't exercising and eating well. But I guess different people prefer different lifestyles. Maybe not everyone feels the same levels of benefits. It sounds like you're going through a tough time right now. I don't know what advice to offer that other posters haven't, but I hope whatever you choose to do leads you to a happier place.
dawg
(10,610 posts)abq e streeter
(7,658 posts)I can't say the loneliness has been anything but that; lonely, which AIN'T fun...BUT...I do go to the gym regularly, and it (along with the simultaneous weight loss) got me off of cholesterol meds, blood pressure meds, the CPAP machine for my apparently now cured sleep apnea, and no meds needed for my now under control type 2 diabetes. I get a great feeling of accomplishment from my workouts (and saves me bunches of money for meds and doctors), Not one bit less lonely, but it's nice to feel strong and fit again. Exercise for YOU and no one else. That's what I do.I rarely interact with anyone there, and come home to an empty apt night after night after....But that feeling of accomplishment helps make the rest of my time a bit more bearable.
alarimer
(16,245 posts)Water will be warm enough to kayak soon, so I suppose I'll do that.
abq e streeter
(7,658 posts)Never have done that even though I have kayaker friends. I need to get outside more too. Gym is great but nothing like outdoors exercise too. Best wishes to you .
tblue
(16,350 posts)Exercise can be a lot of things. You can try walking or hiking. Do you like the outdoors? I can understand not wanting to go to the gym. You don't have to. But exercise is good for your mood as well as your bod. I've a suggestion for you. Check out Dr. Daniel Amen book/audiobook called "Change your brain, Change you body." Really good stuff about why you think and feel the way you do and how to get control of that. Highly recommend it.
If you're moving soon it's understandable that you don't want to start dating anybody new where you are. So think of these last months in your current location as your 'cocoon time.' Time to heal and prepare yourself for your move. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy or at least start working toward a goal. Enrich your life. Maybe take a class or join a Meetup, just once a week or two. Whatever you enjoy, find a way to indulge in it.
If possible, spend time with people who love you. Tell somebody what you're going through. Get a hug.
Just don't do nothing. Take a break if you need it, and then get up on that horse and ride! You are worth it. And life is short dammit! Find a way to enjoy some itty bitty part of it. What you focus on GROWS.
Sending you hugs and hopes.
tblue
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I just haven't gone to any events. Part of the problem is that most of them are in Virginia Beach, which is about a 40 minute drive from here. I often can't get away early enough from work or just don't feel like going.
femmocrat
(28,394 posts)1. If you sit at a desk all day, that is even more reason to exercise.
2. You sound depressed, which could be causing the fatigue. Or you could have an underlying medical thing going on. Get a check-up.
3. You do not need to be admired (desired, whatever) by someone else to be happy. You are not a commodity (as you said, "on the market" . You do not have a shelf life!
4. It is easy to get into that rut. By reaching out here at DU, you are taking a step towards bettering your situation. Now.... please don't just brush off the good advice you are getting. Give yourself a kick in the butt and DO SOMETHING for yourself.
Please forgive my frank tone, but I'm old and wise. hahahaha to you, alarimer. (Now, just DO IT!)
alarimer
(16,245 posts)I only realized how much I hate winter after I moved here. It's not even particularly bad. Although it was pretty cold up until a few weeks ago. Now I have the windows open and feel much better.
I need to buy a bicycle, to take advantage of the bike trail just up the road.
femmocrat
(28,394 posts)The fresh air and exercise will blow away the cobwebs. Best wishes, alarimer.
Lydia Leftcoast
(48,217 posts)I'm pretty sure that you're depressed.
Fatigue. Check.
Self-hatred. Check.
Seeing the future as only bleak. Check.
Lack of initiative. Check.
I can't see your OP while I'm writing, but I think you ought to get yourself evaluated for depression. It's hard to find anyone as long as you're depressed, because depression sends off unpleasant vibes, so do something about that, first.
I'm old and wise, too. (I just signed up for a University of Minnesota summer class at the senior tuition rate.)
riderinthestorm
(23,272 posts)which leads to bad eating habits, which deepens the depression (lather, rinse, repeat).
All of THAT contributes to the black funk which most folks can "see" and feel, and is a relationship killer.
I don't really know you and I hate to go all Dr. Frist on you, but if you can control the exercise and eating parts of your life, it may be enough to help lift the other parts of your life as well. But only if you keep at it and push through this slump.
Good luck.
alarimer
(16,245 posts)Back in Texas, I had a routine established that seemed to work. Plus my job was more active so I didn't have to go to the gym as much. I had a boyfriend and things were generally good.
Got a new job across the country in a town I don't like (I moved for the job opportunity), lost the boyfriend along the way. I can't seem to establish a routine. I go to a lot of meetings and end up eating at unhealthy places (because this IS NC, after all and my colleagues can't live without their BBQ I guess).
Not that I can afford to eat out much, but when I go with people from work, it's ALWAYS to some place unhealthy. And the gym options are limited. I'm at the Y, where at least I can swim if the swim teams aren't having practice.
Lydia Leftcoast
(48,217 posts)I've been in several in both Portland and the Twin Cities, and they're very social. I've made several friends that way. Since you're able to swim, you might try a deep water class. They're quite challenging but with a fun atmosphere.
What fun things did you do in Texas? Is there a way to continue them or something similar in North Carolina? Try a bunch of things that appeal to you. They won't all stick, but at least you're out and around. Join a musical group if you sing or play an instrument. Try community theater, even if it's just as a scene painter (you'll still get invited to the cast party). Join an intramural sports. team. Take a class in a subject or hobby that you've always wondered about.
Avoid singles groups. They tend to be full of dull, unimaginative people whose only common trait is being single.
alarimer
(16,245 posts)There doesn't seem to be anything like that here.
In any case, I didn't really do anything. I went to work, came home, and that was pretty much it. When my boyfriend wasn't around, I was basically alone all the time.
I have found a group here of atheist and heathens (as we call ourselves). We usually meet at a bar once a month, but we've been bowling a few times.
Lydia Leftcoast
(48,217 posts)I spent 7 years in a town of 15,000, so I have some idea of what you're going through. Community theater saved my sanity, as did, believe it or not, Jazzercize.
Quantess
(27,630 posts)Or that you have a hard time getting past the first couple of minutes. I can't speak for everyone obviously, but for me the first few minutes of running are the least fun. After that it gets to be like, the forces of inertia in motion are hard to stop.
Get a dog to run with you, then it's about 10x more fun.
I'm not into team sports but a lot of people get really energized by competition.
The only thing that kept me alive after my fiance of a couple of years dumped me was running with my dog, and running really hard until my lungs were fighting for air and my heart was pushed into maximum. I didn't do it to look hot, or to lose weight...I just felt a lot better afterward. I guess everyone handles breakups differently.
It's okay to be single.
alarimer
(16,245 posts)It's too hot much of the time, but mostly it's dangerous. This town has very few sidewalks and a lot of sketchy neighborhoods. So I use the machines at the gym. I ran three miles today. I like the elliptical and some of the other machines. I keep meaning to try the spinning classes but I never seem to get out of work early enough.
Swimming's all right, if a little boring. I like to listen to music so I'd really like to get a waterproof MP3 player to use in the pool.
spiderpig
(10,419 posts)The smell of sweat was so gross I never went back to that or any other facility. Yeccch.