Aggressive Girls Put Teenage Boy In Embarrassing State

[cbdo2007]

Aggressive Girls Put Teenage Boy In Embarrassing State
By Abigail Van Buren | Dear Abby – 8 hrs ago

DEAR ABBY: My son is a tall, strikingly handsome teenager, although somewhat shy. Our problem is that his looks attract the wrong kind of attention from aggressive girls, and it's getting worse every year.

He and his 14-year-old sister went out to eat after school yesterday, and when they returned it was obvious my son was upset and his sister was furious. She said a group of college girls at a table next to them were teasing and taunting my son with blatantly sexual propositions. They went so far as to touch him suggestively as they got up to leave.

I'm sure they got the physical response from him they wanted; he is only 17, after all. But he was clearly angry, embarrassed and ashamed. He said he felt trapped and didn't know what to do.

The sexual harassment of young men is often laughed off with a wink and a nudge, but it isn't funny. It can be as painful and damaging to men as to women. Furthermore, my son is a minor, and I suspect the college girls were adults, if the beer on the table was any indication.

http://news.yahoo.com/aggressive-girls-put-teenage-boy-embarrassing-state-050046433.html

[pipoman]

1. Every 17 year old

has to begin learning how to interact with others in society. He felt "angry, embarrassed and ashamed". These things will/should lead him to thought about how he could/should have responded. After this thought, he will respond differently next time. We all do or have done this in our problem solving mode. It is part of interacting within society.

[el_bryanto]

5. So in a way those girls were helping him - that's very sweet.

I'm going to try that rational next time I want to sexually harrass one of my female coworkers. Wait I mean next time I want to help them get into a problem solving mode.

I also hear that running people down in the parking lot helps their reflexes.

Bryant

[pipoman]

11. I didn't read where this was his co-workers? Did I miss that?

The way I read this he was out in free society. Unwanted touching is by definition battery..maybe he should have called the police and claimed battery. Or, maybe he will know what to say and how to act next time to shut them down.

[el_bryanto]

13. Ah so you are saying if I want to help a woman by harrassing her

I need to do it in a public place - not at work. Good point - thanks for clearing that up.

Bryant

[pipoman]

17. Maybe I'm not clear on what you think

his recourse should be for this egregious act? What charges shold these offenders face? What are you suggesting should be done?

[el_bryanto]

18. You are defending them - I'm saying that people like these offenders should be held up to scorn nt

[pipoman]

25. OOO, scorn, eh?

Yeah, people behave badly. Badly does not equal unlawfully, nor should it. In this story the unwanted touching part is by definition in most states, battery (criminal). The verbal part is a speech issue. Should Westborugh Baptists be scorned for their exceedingly offensive speech and behaviors? Yes, and they are. Should it be punishable in any other way? I don't believe so.

[el_bryanto]

27. Imagining someone posting this in response to the Westborugh fucks

Every Funeral Goer . . .

has to begin learning how to interact with others in society. He felt "angry, embarrassed and ashamed". These things will/should lead him to thought about how he could/should have responded. After this thought, he will respond differently next time. We all do or have done this in our problem solving mode. It is part of interacting within society.

Doesn't seem like that would happen does it? I guess because people would have more sympathy with those who are bullied than those who do the bullying.

Bryant

[pipoman]

29. That is exactly what has to happen to funeral goers..

they can't go over and kick their asses, they can't call the police, they can peacefully counter protest (fume about the problem and develop a response), they can avoid the funeral, they can ignore WBC, what else can they do? What else should they be able to do?

[el_bryanto]

32. This isn't about what they should do - this is about what you should do

Which is to stop defending bullies.

[pipoman]

38. Not defending anyone..

obviously. Stating the facts. Why won't you tell us what should happen?

[MattBaggins]

12. Wow so the next time an HR department has a harrasment case

they can point the victim to your post.

What an amazing post.

[pipoman]

22. You do know the difference between a work environment and a public

venue, no?

[MattBaggins]

23. Yes and harassment is wrong in both places.

Unfortunately we have really stupid people in our society who think crass caveman behavior is fine in the one.

[pipoman]

26. Nobody said it is fine..

is it or should it be illegal? If so, then you should get to work on that. If not, and since it isn't now, maybe this would be a good time to help the kid learn how to handle rude, insensitive, mean people...what other option does/should he have?

[MattBaggins]

30. You put the blame on the victim

perhaps you should enlighten us.

[pipoman]

39. No, I stated a possible

response for the victim. What other alternative does the victim have?

[pnwmom]

40. Oh, right. So they were doing him a favor.

And when older men harass young girls, they're doing them a favor.

In fact, every nasty thing an older person does to a younger person is a favor, helping them to figure out how to respond, training them for the real world.

What a huge pile of crap.

[pipoman]

46. So this is the only time in his life he will encounter this?

If so, fine...if not, how should he handle it next time? Is what the did girls nice? No. Did I say it was? No. Did I say it's OK? No. Did I condone it? No.

Did I dispense the same advice I would give my son? Yes.

Tell us what options he has when this happens again? The way I see it his options are to do the same thing he did this time...go home feeling badly about himself, or he can respond in a way to shut them down. For instance, maybe he decides next time he will say in a rather loud voice, "aren't you girls too old to molest a 14 year old?" What would their response be to that? Maybe shut up? I don't know.

I am merely pointing out that we all learn to cope within society by reliving experiences and honing our response for the next time that experience comes around.

What is a huge pile of crap is pretending that scorn, or sympathy, or empathy on a message board will do anything to help the kid. The best advice is to help him deal in the future...or we can start a crusade to jail rude college girls..

[pnwmom]

47. Your answer failed to validate the young man's experience,

or acknowledge that he had been harassed.

Instead, it put the onus on him to respond differently differently next time.

It was a form of "blaming the victim," which is why people are objecting.

[pipoman]

50. No blaming the victim would be blaming the victim..

my response is really the only thing I can think of which may help the situation. Pity if you please, but follow up with sage advice, and since girls talking to boys isn't illegal it seems he needs to arm himself with an appropriate response for next time.

[Eleanors38]

49. Good advice to an extent, but I must respectfully take issue...

It is possible the guy has a different outlook toward society, maybe a little naive. But that does not warrant such demeaning, aggressive behavior. A group of (or even one) males could be brought up on charges/disciplinary action. If the fellow is gay or just not interested in sex (it happens), this "girls will be girls" action would be even worse.

[pipoman]

71. I agree, it doesn't warrant it

and nothing I've said mitigates the girls behavior. The parent has zero control over what other people will say or do to her son. She does have influence on how he responds next time, and if he is all that, it will happen again..

Maybe I don't understand the reason for the OP. Is it for everyone to pile our pity on a person in a dear abby column, or is it to garner help and hope for the kid?..parental type advice and such?

[Eleanors38]

74. Oh, I don't doubt there needs to be some supportive discussion...

between the kid and his parents about what to do the next time. I don't know that anything we do on the InnerTube will help the kids, or even recharge our compassion batteries via a Dear Abby column. But it is an opportunity to say this kind of crap is out of bounds. Maybe there is some minor progress which can be made if we only agree with ourselves on occasion!

[Crunchy Frog]

67. Same thing true for 17 year old girls

fending off college men grabbing at their breasts?

Good opportunity to learn about social interactions?

[pipoman]

70. As stated at least 3 times in this thread

unwanted touching is illegal. Rude talk isn't. This is really unbelievably simple.

And yes every attractive 17 year old girl at some point comes up with responses to unwelcome advances...every one..tell us all what other choice they have? Should they run away crying? This is such common sense.

[KitSileya]

2. This is clearly sexual harassment.

Unfortunately, the narrative of our patriarchal society is that men (boys!) always want sex and attention, and that they "cannot be harassed" since they want women to pay attention to them. It's a natural corollary of the "men cannot help themselves around women" hogwash.

Hopefully, you won't get the typical posts in answer to this, which we see every time a teenage boy is raped by an older woman - there are posters on DU that don't think that such a scenario is rape, and instead wax lyrically about how they wish that had happened to them at that age. (Barf!)

[GaYellowDawg]

6. Yes, it is.

Something similar happened to me when I was 17, and I still remember it. I was walking down the street with my mom and sister. My sister had told me my jeans were a little tight, but I was in great shape and didn't care. A car with 3 or 4 girls slowed down beside us and one girl shouted, "Hey, I'd like a piece of THAT!" and there were several other comments. I honestly don't know how I would have responded if I was alone, but it was really humiliating with my mom and sister there. I turned bright red. My mom said, "think about how you feel right now the next time you think about hollering at a girl." And then she told my sister to shut up when it looked like she was going to start up with the "I told you so"s.

[MineralMan]

19. Smart mom. Lesson learned, I bet.

I doubt that there's any guy here on DU who hasn't had a red-faced moment over a particular bodily reaction. I know that I can remember more than one. My reaction was to learn to shrug that stuff off, since it wasn't a rare situation to find myself in. I just stopped letting such things be a source of embarrassment. Oddly enough, that helped prevent some occurrences, I'm sure.

[seabeyond]

31. i was around speedos all day, for the first two decades of my life. bodily function were not even

noticed, let alone embarrassing or called out.

in some ways we seem to have regressed to childish so much with the body, as people suggest it is progressive.

i think not.

[KittyWampus]

56. {erhaps more women are acting badly & mimicking the wretched behavior that's been deemed acceptable

in men.

I'm also reminded of women who reach top of corporate ladders by being sociopathic greedheads just like the "boys" are.

Does women's liberation mean being assholes just like the guys are?

[seabeyond]

57. I believe so.... Seems to me to be what we are creating. Yes. Nt

[HappyMe]

58. So, it's a case of monkey see, monkey do?

[MineralMan]

65. I know what you're saying. We're so focused on

some things these days that we're often less flexible about them than we used to be. Normal body reactions shouldn't even be a matter of public comment or even be noticed really, but we think too much about it.

That first HS girlfriend of mine back in the early 1960s was a great example for me. Our first date was to an after game dance. We were dancing some slow dance, and she said quietly in my ear, "Does that thing hurt when it gets like that?" "Nope," I replied. We continued dancing. Simple question asked and simply answered. We were together for the next two years, and her matter-of-fact nature was one of the things I liked best about her.

[The2ndWheel]

21. Your mom blamed the vicitm?

Certainly a different context you're in if you're with your mom and sister at that particular time, than if you're by yourself or with friends. The same way I doubt any of those girls say anything if they're in the car with their dad at the time.

[GaYellowDawg]

80. No, she took an opportunity to educate me.

I should have said that she first told me that she was sorry that happened, and that it was trashy behavior. But she absolutely did the right thing in saying that, because boys are put in that kind of situation a lot less than girls, and it didn't hurt me to walk in their shoes for a second.

That reminded me of something else that happened to me. When I was running for track practice, I ran by a group of girls from the girls' track team, and one of them grabbed my ass. I was so surprised that I stopped dead in my tracks and said, "what did you do THAT for??" She said, "Because it's cute." I turned bright red and ran off. Heard them laughing for about 100 yards, too. I just didn't know how to handle that. It probably won't surprise you to learn that I've never been a grabby person myself. But thank God THAT didn't happen in front of my mom. I think I would have died of embarrassment on the spot, and she would have lit into the girl, too, which would have made it that much worse.

[cbdo2007]

35. and sexual assault.

[treestar]

36. Exactly, I was thinking cue the posts from guys

saying they wished this had happened to them!

[raccoon]

54. Amen! How many times have you seen posts from guys saying they wished some hot teacher

had hit on them.

[MineralMan]

3. Mean people suck!

The boy experienced that. Being an adolescent boy is tough at times, and their bodies often betray them in embarrassing ways. Every man remembers some of those times, I'm sure. Minor adjustments are often required.

What those girls thought was hilarious was horribly embarrassing for that boy. Mean people suck!

[seabeyond]

4. i would have LOVED to see the 14 yr old girl brave enough to take on the other, older girls.

this is our society today. so many excuses made for it, especially when applying the harassment to girls. harassment feels no better for boys, regardless what society likes to say about boys sexuality being all that.

the purpose was solely to embarrass and dominate the boy.

it is wrong. that simple.

[GaYellowDawg]

7. I just have to say this

For seabeyond's critics: you may not agree with her, but this ought to quell any idea that she's not consistent with her views.

[seabeyond]

10. thank you for recognizing this. it is very important to me. nt

[GaYellowDawg]

16. You're welcome.

I think of you and redqueen as the most outspoken feminists on GD. And you're both consistent. I may not always agree with you (but who agrees with anyone else 100% of the time?) but you've both given me a lot to think about and my views are definitely closer to yours than they were before I got onto DU.

Also: in my opinion, your stance on this demonstrates the difference between feminism and misanthropy. A feminist is consistent with how all people should be treated. A misanthropist would have minimized the boy's feelings.

[galileoreloaded]

59. and a clear stated agenda with no apologies. I asked a question

recently in HoF and even though the answer was clearly showing bias and preference towards the female gender, she did answer it honestly and without reserve.

I can deal with people accountable to their views. pretty refreshing.

[sigmasix]

33. indeed-seabeyond has honor and honesty

Anyone claiming otherwise is either ill-informed or dishonest.

[WhaTHellsgoingonhere]

89. I'm going to piggyback on that and...

...send a shout out to seabeyond. It's been a long while since we discussed gender roles in the context of dating. I recall seabeyond being very fair and level headed, a stark contrast to the bitter trolls that buzz about any discussion of gender. It really is tedious.

I don't expect you to remember me, seabeyond, as this discussion took place more than a year ago. But I still remember looking forward to exploring the subject further with you the next day. I'm pretty certain I put it in my journal if you're curious about whatever it is I'm going on about

Anyway, I've long been a seabeyond fan. Glad someone gave me a reason to say as much.

[Eleanors38]

51. Yeah, I have to admit she got it right.

[Iggo]

55. .

[MineralMan]

8. I can imagine that happening.

My first high school girlfriend would have been perfectly capable of reading those older girls off at age 14. Very smart and very matter-of-fact about such things. She was great!

[seabeyond]

9. absolutely. and the girl taking them on is a win all around. for all the people.

there is no lose in it.

i could have done it. sheeeit. i would have done it, lol.

[MineralMan]

14. It's tough for a boy to tell a table full of college

women off. Not so much for a girl who is the boy's sister. Sisters are wonderful people to have around. My sister was always ready to put up a defense for me when I couldn't. She's a year younger than I am. The reverse is and was also true.

These days, there's not so much mystery as there once was, either, about body functions.

[geek tragedy]

15. Predatory behavior. Possibly criminal. nt

[HappyMe]

20. Creepy predators.

Way to go girls. Your parents would be so fucking proud.

[Sheldon Cooper]

24. I have to wonder what's in it for those college women.

Is it a group thing? I'm guessing that none of those women would have pulled this shit if they were alone. Is it a power trip? Did they think that causing a high school guy to get a boner reinforced their attractiveness and ability to get a guy turned on? Are they sociopaths who embarrass people for shits and giggles? I wonder if they're a bunch of Heathers who pick apart everyone who crosses their path.

None of it really matters, though, they acted like the assholes they are and they should be shamed and scorned for it. No matter how much some men may claim to be flattered by the attention, when it's unwanted it's awrful.

[stevenleser]

44. Like other sex crimes, it's power and control. A college aged woman (and most women actually)

can usually get sex when they want it. If that is what they were after, one of them could appropriately approach another guy at college and they would probably get what they want.

This was about power and humiliation, just like most sex crimes.

[Comrade Grumpy]

68. A sex crime!? Quick, convene the grand jury!

Good Lord.

[CBGLuthier]

28. In less than a year her poor baby will have to learn to fend for himself

No more cries of his only being a minor and if he so gosh darned handsome he best learn how to cope.

Yeah, I know it is harassment or as it is otherwise known, how young people today talk to each other. The mighty gulf of 1 to 4 years in age that these women are ignoring at their peril is truly frightening.

[dawg]

34. Females can act like jerks, too.

It isn't cute, modern, or empowered. It's just rude and mean. The same as when males act that way.

[fitman]

43. As a man I have been groped

many times by women over the years-women squeezing my butt, trying to put their hands down my pants, trying to kiss me etc. I was blessed by good facial and body genetics (thanks mom-college cheerleader & dad!!). Wish I had more smarts though..

Have been offered sex by women over the years numerous times and rarely did I recipocate...don't want to be too sexist but I like the hunt and want to be the hunter and make the first move and in most cases huge turnoff when women do this too me...

Plus not that excited about one night stands. Have done them in college don't get me wrong I am not a male prude but always preferred sex with gf's or in a a good long term relationship. ...sex is 10000 x's better.

Many guys think I am crazy..too hard to explain...

Being attractive has many downsides-.it's not all roses.. women automatically think you are a "player/narcassitic" (I'm actually very shy IRL) and men are jealous and envious and hate on you w/o even knowing you..I could go on for days...

Happily married now for 15 years to a great woman and we can't keep our hands off of each other.

[redqueen]

37. How sad... that poor kid.

Street harassment is fucked up, no matter the sex of the person being a predatory, creepy, bullying asshole.

[Brigid]

42. How about this for a title:

"College-age Women Prove They Still Have A Lot of Growing Up To Do."

[LanternWaste]

45. All the more interesting due not only to gender reversal,

All the more interesting due not only to gender reversal playing against both type and perception, but also the rarity of reactions of all involved predicated on the gender reversal.

[The2ndWheel]

48. She says her son said he felt trapped and didn't know what to do

I'm just going by what information we have.

If he's a shy kid, it would be awkward enough. But to have your younger sister there too, while other women are saying sexual things to you, that's going to feel that much more weird. It's going to trap you between your younger sister and women that aren't your sister.

I'm not saying the guy would've been cool with it had his sister not been there, but the sister part of it changes the equation in some way. I don't know if there have been other times where this guy has gone through this, and then told his mom about it or whatever. But from this story, it sounds like it was the sister that told their mom, which then increases the awkwardness of what was already an awkward situation.

Two females who are directly related to this teenage guy, who live in the same house as he does, are now basically intimately involved in a story about how some college girls were sexually suggestive toward him. That's going to make any guy feel weird, especially a shy 17 year old.

[datasuspect]

52. my inner ww2 granpda would say

ah, never mind.

[Rex]

53. Bullying sucks, it is always bad form.

'Trapped and didn't know what to do.'

I remember feeling that way in 3rd grade when I got to meet the playground bully for the very first time. It was like a bunch of jackals quickly surrounded me, I was very scared and felt trapped. I had no idea what to do and believe I experienced dread for the first time in my life.

Bullying is wrong.

[galileoreloaded]

60. pretty pc answers so far.

dawkins would shiver.

[JustAnotherGen]

61. This reads

Like a 'fake' letter my girlfriends and I in college would get published in the Cosmo Sex Section. Ann Landers published one once and we got two into Cosmo in four years.

This has gotta be obnoxious college age women goofing off instead of reading their Con Law book.

[Zorra]

62. Breaking News: Tens of millions of girls and women experience this every day.

No, it doesn't make it right. It's just true.

The fact that it happened to a male, however, makes it newsworthy because of how relatively rare these cases are.

That said, my sympathies to the boy. Welcome to women's world, and it is too bad that some women are starting to act like aggressive, sexist assholes.

[bettyellen]

63. yep, it's man bites dog. welcome to our world, fellas. Sucks sometimes, huh?

[Hosnon]

76. Your comment and the one it is in response to aren't constructive at all.

This isn't a contest.

[Zorra]

79. Really, sir? Pointing out that this happens to millions of women every day is not constructive?

Maybe it is irrelevant to the conversation from your POV, but it certainly isn't from mine.

[bettyellen]

81. Well, pardon us while we gawk at your shock and indignation. We didn't know you had it in you.

[Bonobo]

85. Women employ their sexuality as tools to get what they want by the millions as well.

Sorry, but that also is true.

Please deny it. It will be fun to watch.

[Cleita]

64. Unwelcome sexual advances regardless of gender are sexual harassment

something the son or daughter should remind the perpetrators about. Sometimes these girls/women have no shame. My husband, who was quite handsome in his day, often had women throw themselves at him even in front of me, knowing I was his wife. I'm sure it was worse when I wasn't around but he didn't cause me pain by telling me about it.

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

69. Would you dare ask a woman a similar question?

This just sounds like some assholes were trying to embarrass the kid in front of his sister.

[bettyellen]

73. You're right- that is an awful comment.

[nolabels]

72. Dear Abby?

Okay what happened, did the mother shun and dismiss father and decided to raise the family on her own?

So you want your cake and want to be able to eat it too? Like duh, no male or dominate figure of influence and they wonder why and what happened.

Its not a crime to be gentle and docile but it's quite ignorant if you think you will have an entirely enjoyable time that way.

The ying and yang always is in play no matter how you place things together.

He probably would have never been seen in that situation if their were more real males for him around to model himself after. In any case my advice would have been for him to not been so timid and tell the girls of his excitement and how he enjoyed it. More than likely they would have left him alone very soon after.

[Sheldon Cooper]

75. lol

[octothorpe]

77. My initial reaction is almost always hypocritical in situations like this

but the more reasoned part of my brain always points our my hypocritical reaction. Like, my first thought was "why did that make him feel that uncomfortable", but it doesn't matter why it did. I would never wonder that if the genders were reversed.

[Ikonoklast]

78. "Dear Abby"? Yeah, that really happened.

Made-up bullshit for stupid people to lap up.

[BainsBane]

83. What would be the point of making it up?

Don't find the letter unbelievable.

[dballance]

87. Not That I Doubt Your Statistic, But It Would Be Nice to Have a Link to the Source.

I find that when I include a link to my sources I get fewer replies to my posts disputing my post. Just a thought.

[JI7]

84. they probably do this a lot, it's a joke to them

they get together and pick out guys to do that to. it is meant for their own laughs.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

86. Many are saying this is fake, but I saw this happen whe I was in college.

The college girls getting their kicks by making young guys embarrassed. It was not fun for the guy, he was not enjoying it. And after he was able to get away the college girls had some nasty things to say.

And I saw collage guys do it to young girls to. Either way was bad.

When you said something about it with the girl and it is (without question it is the right thing to do) right to step in. But when you see a guy that is not happy with this, your silly. "Guys can't be sexually harassed" is the response. To that response, I call BS.